Jackie Papandrew 's Posts
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March 14, 2009 09:25 AM EDT --
It has come to my attention that Barbie and I are nearly the same age. She recently celebrated her 50th birthday, and I’m not far from that particular milestone. But I am apparently more upset . . .
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August 25, 2008 11:16 AM EDT --
My all-time favorite commercial is the one from a few years back where a father with an ear-to-ear grin is pushing a shopping cart through a Staples store, gleefully tossing in school supplies as his . . .
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July 07, 2008 07:48 AM EDT --
We are now deeply embroiled in the grilling season, and the gentle man who promised to love me for better or for worse has once again morphed into the General Patton of the barbecue set, a tyrant with . . .
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June 09, 2008 10:37 AM EDT --
The man who never in his life
Has washed the dishes with his wife
Or polished up the silver plate -
He still is largely celibate.
~Christopher Morley, Washing the . . .
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May 19, 2008 02:03 AM EDT --
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out -- Rodney Dangerfield
Every once in a while, in a blinding moment of clarity that fortunately doesn't last long, I realize . . .
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May 12, 2008 07:11 AM EDT --
I was in a public restroom the other day, doing what one does in such places, when I realized that civilization - even the fairly savage form of civilization that has existed since Janet Jackson's . . .
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April 28, 2008 07:41 AM EDT --
Ever since I can recall, my dad has been telling The Pig Story. He tells it with great flourish and over the years, he's perfected a series of coy pauses and soft smiles, delivered at just the . . .
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April 14, 2008 10:19 AM EDT --
My son recently turned 13, and the last traces of that sweet little boy who thought I hung the moon seem to have vanished. In his place is a strange, slouching creature with a pencil-thin mustache . . .
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April 07, 2008 08:21 AM EDT --
I'm a big fan of the English. They are highly civilized, rich in culture and history. If only they'd learn to drive correctly and speak the language properly, they'd be a perfect people. . . .
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March 26, 2008 01:47 PM EDT --
As a professional columnist who writes on matters of pressing national importance that frequently involve food-thieving dogs and sanity-stealing teenagers, I sometimes have to deal with difficult people. . . .
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March 07, 2008 09:42 AM EST --
It's a sad fact that no one has invented a decent party game since Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Now that was a great game, involving a sharpened object wielded in a precarious fashion by a blindfolded . . .
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February 11, 2008 07:21 AM EST --
Now that football season is finally over (YEAH! Oops, did I say that out loud?), it is time for American men to focus on something far more important. It's almost Valentine's Day, fellas - surprisingly, . . .
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February 04, 2008 11:31 AM EST --
To celebrate the end of football season, I've posted something I wrote back at the beginning of yet another season of insanity...
Anybody who watches three games of football in . . .
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January 25, 2008 07:45 AM EST --
In honor of Season 7 of American Idol, here's something I wrote in an earlier season of idol insanity...
Now that we are deeply embedded, as a nation, in yet another season of the cultural . . .
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January 11, 2008 10:56 AM EST --
If the Good Lord had wanted us to eat sensibly this time of year, he wouldn't have invented the cruise ship. It must have been divine compulsion that drove my family and a couple thousand of our . . .
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January 06, 2008 07:30 PM EST --
I hear tell the road to hell is paved with good intentions
And Mama my intentions were the best -- Randy Travis in "Good Intentions"
Mark Twain once suggested . . .
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December 27, 2007 06:31 PM EST --
You know how, when you're a child, and you don't correctly hear the lyrics to a song or the words to some hackneyed cliché that adults are always throwing around? Like the phrase my parents . . .
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December 17, 2007 09:33 AM EST --
It's funny how one's self-image tends to stay frozen in time. Your mind picks out a moment when you looked your best, sometimes a moment that occurred many moons (and many pounds) ago, and it . . .
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December 10, 2007 11:45 AM EST --
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!
And he puzzled three hours, ‘till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t . . .
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November 27, 2007 08:38 PM EST --
‘Tis a few weeks 'til Christmas and all through my house
Not a gift has been bought, and I’m feeling like a louse.
The dog chewed up the stockings I left . . .
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