robert b.'s Comments
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Nov 6, 2007 | comments: 52
robert b. Dec 2, 2007, 12:22pm EST
Well written. Engaging characters, snappy dialogue. Tight, suspenseful. The attack on Phil is masterfully built and described. Definitely one of the best entries I've read here. Two things that gave me pause: the computer jargon up front is greek to me and goes on a little long...I'd consider trimming it until we're well into the plot. Then you can get away with it; Phil's fear and skittishness struck me as too much too soon. No compelling reason for him to be feeling afraid just because he discovered a rogue program. Seems forced and unnecessary the way it reads now. Of course these are both subjective judgments and otherwise the story is definitely solid, a 10. This belongs in the next round
Good luck in the competition and if you have the time I'd appreciate your looking at my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Oct 29, 2007 | comments: 76
robert b. Dec 1, 2007, 2:39pm EST
This is an intriguing story with some nice detail and description. It does need editorial attention though. The second sentence alone has two significatn errors: a missing word(of, after most, and then the second most should be mostly). These errors coming so soon in the narrative are off-putting. As mentioned by others there are some confusions with the dialogue.
That being said, this does show promise.
Good luck.
My entry is A Cappella Blues
Nov 9, 2007 | comments: 76
robert b. Nov 30, 2007, 11:40am EST
Good start. I was chilled when the dead boy's father surprises our hero with a promise of death. It's hard to write in 1st person POV, harder still if the narrator is a boy, but I think you succeed for most of the piece. There are a few spots where the voice seem older(I'm thinking particularly about his talk of women and hormones).
There are other minor editorial quibbles, but we all could use a good line editor.
Anyway, I want to read more.

My entry is A Cappella Blues
Nov 7, 2007 | comments: 235
robert b. Nov 30, 2007, 10:23am EST
This is well written, definitely one of the best here. Clear clean prose. Excellent use of detail and descriptions of Mykonos(I've been there). That being said, I think there too much exposition after the initial setup of the girl disappearing. A lot of unbroken narrative that provides mood and character but doesn't propel us along and isn't directly related to the plot. For a mystery, this is, I think, a problem. A lot of this exposition can be cut or trimmed and/or layered in after we're enmeshed in the story.
I gave you a 10 anyway, based upon the prose and all the other good things you do.
Good luck. My entry is A Cappella Blues, if you have the time.
Nov 3, 2007 | comments: 17
robert b. Nov 29, 2007, 9:22pm EST
This is a twisty surprising story that makes the reader want to read on. Some nice detail and descriptions. I would think about the dialogue Margie speaks out loud to herself...too much exposition. I think it might be better to cover this in tight interior monologue with some asides to the dog.
Overall though a promising start...I gave you a 10 based on the fascinating plot...no way to predict where it's going.
Good luck and I'd really appreciate your vote and comments on my entry, A Cappella Blues
Nov 10, 2007 | comments: 47
robert b. Nov 29, 2007, 8:54pm EST
The sleepwalking villain is a good twist. You built a nice suspenseful mood. The opening reminded me a little of Dean Koontz's, Intensity.
A good start.

If you have a chance I'd really appreciate your vote on my entry, A Cappella Blues
Nov 9, 2007 | comments: 53
robert b. Nov 29, 2007, 7:38pm EST
Nicely done. Different, funny, smart, and an endearing lead character. I don't know if all the golf detail will turn off some readers, but there are plenty of golfers who would probably be fascinated. The mystery is certainly hinted at effectively but perhaps the crime shoud be introduced by now...?
Overall a fine entry. A 10.
Good luck and I'd really appreciate your vote and comment on my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Oct 2, 2007 | comments: 28
robert b. Nov 29, 2007, 1:29pm EST
Gruesome and intriguing. Some good detail. I think you do have to watch the "ball" and penis references , not because they're upsetting or gross but because they're over ripe and affect the way we look at your main character.
Good luck.
If you have a chance, take a look at my entry, A Cappella Blues
Oct 2, 2007 | comments: 32
robert b. Nov 29, 2007, 12:36pm EST
Nice atmosphere and mood and some tension built with our hero being followed. I assume they're after the stones...I would suggest a little less description and more dialogue and story movement and maybe layer some of the back story in later on.
Overall, a promising start...I'd like to read more.

Good luck and if you have a chance please take a look at my entry, A Cappella Blues
Oct 29, 2007 | comments: 25
robert b. Nov 29, 2007, 11:50am EST
You have a compelling story here and an interesting lead character. Reminds me a little of some of Dean Koontz's stuff. One suggestion: I would consider dropping all the opening explanation of Jade's psychic abilities and just tell the story, letting the reader figure things out. You can clarify and provide back story later, after we're hooked.
I gave you a 10 because I want to read more.
Good luck and I would really appreciate your vote and comment on my entry, A Cappella Blues
Oct 25, 2007 | comments: 42
robert b. Nov 29, 2007, 11:16am EST
I voted you a 10 based upon the depth of feeling your story evokes along with the sharp detail and clear prose. This is a powerful tragic story. Minor complaints: The long paragraphs(maybe you're one of those who had a problem with the download to gather?) and the exposition unbroken by much dialogue may be a little difficult for some readers.
Overall, very well done.
Good luck and I'd love your vote and comments on my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Oct 15, 2007 | comments: 31
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 11:33pm EST
Nice detail and mood setting. You have a vivid way of describing unappealing characters. Alex is a complex likeable narrator. Overall one of the better entries I've read. I voted you a 10 based on the strength of your prose.
Good luck and I would really appreciate your vote and comment on my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Nov 4, 2007 | comments: 37
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 11:17pm EST
This is interesting and disturbing.

Good luck and I'd appreciate your vote on my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Oct 23, 2007 | comments: 19
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 10:54pm EST
You have an interesting main character and set a nice mood. I do think, however, that the long exposition up front(particularly without paragraphs which I know you said you couldn't convert properly for the contest)with little dialogue is hard to stay with. Much of it seems to have little to do with the plot. I think you'd be better trimming a lot of this and getting to the dead body sooner and then layer some of the details and important character info in a little at a time as you go along.
Good luck.
If you have a chance I'd appreciate your taking a look at my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Oct 14, 2007 | comments: 46
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 8:53pm EST
I have no problem with the size of the text because on my little Mac laptop under View there's a Make Text Bigger function which I use frequently and which blows up this and any other text to whatever size I want. Do others not realize they can do this...I can't imagine my computer is unique.
Regards your entry, your writing is lyrical and evocative, but the beginning reads more like nonfiction or perhaps the start of a long literary work. Unfortunately, most readers of mystery/suspense are looking for plot and character. Only one character is introduced, and very late in the chapter and he's not yet someone we can easily empathize with. I would suggest you hook the reader with an engaging character and interesting plot/mystery and then weave the exposition in later as you go along. Just my opinion.
You do write well.
Good luck.
If you have a chance I'd appreciate your vote on my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Oct 27, 2007 | comments: 24
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 8:16pm EST
This has the makings of a complex, twisty plot. Duke is an intriguing character and the dialogue has punch and humor.
Good luck.

If you have a chance I'd appreciate your vote on my entry, A Cappella Blues
Oct 13, 2007 | comments: 45
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 7:50pm EST
Some nice descriptive passages and a truly creepy villain.
Good luck in the contest.

If you have a chance please vote on my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Oct 20, 2007 | comments: 15
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 7:24pm EST
This is suspenseful and intriguing. Posey is a mystery, a complex one worth pursuing. Some evocative prose and nice mood-building detail.
You deserve more readers and votes.

Good luck and if you have a chance please look at my entry, A Cappella Blues. Mine also starts with a blackjack game.
Nov 6, 2007 | comments: 15
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 6:10pm EST
It's hard to do a child's voice well, but you captured some of the essence. I'd like to know how old the children are. This has the makings of a disturbing suspenseful story and I don't really know where it's going. You should be getting more votes
Good luck and if you have a chance please vote on my entry, A Cappella Blues.
Nov 1, 2007 | comments: 15
robert b. Nov 28, 2007, 5:32pm EST
I've only read a few screenplays, but this has potential. Very interesting.

Good luck.
If you have a chance please take a look at my entry, A Cappella Blues
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robert b.
cape cod, massachusetts
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