Rhoda G.'s Comments

The Pill by Tommy Simpson

Jan 19, 2006 | comments: 4

Rhoda G. Jan 20, 2006, 7:58pm EST

What a fun piece!

Yet it could be better STORYTELLING if you rethink the order of some of it, if your timing built up to your surprise ending with more precision (instead of extraneous "halucinations," your heroine should slowly begin to develop the ones that Nelson will see thru his peephole or behind the chain on his door).

I'll read more of your writing and that's for certain.

How about taking a look at my story? I haven't posted any speculative fiction yet. I just discovered Gather. Sure is easy to get lost on here, isn't it?

Meant To Be by Audrey K.

Jan 15, 2006 | comments: 3

Rhoda G. Jan 20, 2006, 7:23pm EST

You're quite a writer! Your timing and your ability to structure a story when so many haven't a clue truly kept me wrapt in your exposition.

There are a few things that kept me from viewing this as a 10. First, althogh many women could easily fall into the persona of your storyteller, she's too simplistic, too much of a near-cliche. I pretty much knew the entire story after a few lines, and I shouldn't. There should have been a surprise or three, some kind of unexpected conflict.

Second, the narration reminds me too much of hard-boiled-detective-narrator types. It's got a Mickey Spillane/Leonard Elmore feel or sound which lacks almost all sensory details. It's not bad; it's just not engaging enough. Often the clipped dialogue and sentences become tedious.

Still you're VERY TALENTED. I'll be looking forward to reading more.

Thanks,

Rhoda G.

ANGELS IN THE CITY by Mark Scheel

Dec 29, 2005 | comments: 2

Rhoda G. Dec 31, 2005, 3:32am EST

You're so adroit with words, I couldn't stop reading. Real talent coupled with education is very refreshing these days. Then, about two paragraphs (stanzas?) from the end, I realized that it was about over, yet I couldn't figure out what the "it" was. I think you may have had an overdose of Raymond Carver a la Spillane. No. Elroy? Can't quite place the pulse, but it's familiar. So now how about getting visceral? That's not to be confused with venerial. Or venial. I can see how literate you are, and that may be the problem. When's the last time you just had some fun? For all your talent, something is wanting, something doesn't quite breathe. I'm also a local writer (Long Beach), so I'll be looking for more of your work. Although you probably won't believe me, your writing will get better once you get out of the psyche (not all the way, all the time, but half of the time at least). Are you part of any writing groups?

The Miracle of the Baby Swimmer by chris bolton

Nov 20, 2005 | comments: 1

Rhoda G. Dec 31, 2005, 3:03am EST

Some wonderful impressionistic passages along with the interesting story line. What kept it from being a 10 was the writer's indecision over classifying the story as realistic or surrealistic. A combination of the two is wanting because there is neither a fantastic objective nor a realistic one won. Still, I'm awfully glad I read it. I suggest the writer play with character sketched for a while, making people the audience can visualize or empathize with stronger...

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Rhoda G.
Long Beach, CA

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