I resolve not to make any resolutions

I don't make New Years resolutions. Not because I'm perfect. No, no, far from it. And it's not because I have some sort of philosophical 'problem' with making resolutions. For the right person with the right attitude, resolutions can be good things. It can help you name a goal and make it real. It can give you a sense of inspiration.

The reason, I don't make them is simple. I won't do them. I just won't. Even if I make them so simple, impossible to fail type resolutions, there is something in my genetic makeup that will not allow me to do them. For example, I may say, okay my goal for 2009 is to drop twenty pounds. Somehow I will pack on another 5 pounds. I will wake up one morning and in a scene right out of a culinary version of The Godfather, and find a half-eaten cheesecake in my bed; all the more curious because I hate cheesecake. If I were make the half-crazy promise to cut down on my drinking, I would find myself not only drinking more, I would probably develop a liking to kerosene and lamp oil.

The fact is I am undisciplined and that's not a good thing for someone looking to make resolutions. So I stopped doing it years ago. The moment of truth for me came in the middle of January 2000 when I was slowly crossing off resolutions from my list with a chewed up nub of a pencil. It was 2:00 AM, I was sitting at my dining room table in sweats pants, washing down a piece of black forest cake with a vodka gimlet while fishing a cigar out of the pocket of my bathrobe. "No," I thought, "resolutions are not for me."

But there has been a trend here in Happy Gatherland that I find curious and inviting. Apparently the thing now is to give yourself a word that you would like to attribute to yourself in the coming year. There have been many interesting ones turning up here and most of them really are inspirational. So I have given this some thought and come up with my own word(s). I have to say words because no one word seemed to sum it up for me.

First up: Unguent:

Yes, the word unguent. Now you're wondering where is the inspiration in another word for 'salve'. Ah (forgive this please) there's the rub. There is no meaning. I chose this word because, simply, I like it. It's a fun word to say. Hell, it's a fun word to hear. There's something so delightful and charming in the 'gue' tone - it sounds like something you would hear from someone trying to talk with a mouthful of Swedish fish. I like the word because it sounds like something that you could accidentally find yourself spreading on a Triscuit. You would never mistake an ointment for a cheese spread but an unguent is a different story. Plus, it's just so much fun to ask the pock marked stock boy at the local drug store where the unguents are kept and watch his eyes start to roll around in his head.

Next: Mantissa: According to my little Websters dictionary, this is the part of a logarithm to the right of a decimal point. I would have no idea since I suck at math. Seriously. I had a tough time with the most basic of math courses and even came close to failing elementary accounting in high school. That was the remedial course assigned to shop kids and jocks just to give them a math credit so they could graduate. I was neither a cool and dangerous shop kid nor a much admired jock. Nope. Just a dopey geek who would break into a sweat just looking at a math book. So why would I choose a math term? Easy. It has plenty of uses. In my every day life, I don't spend a lot of time with math majors, doctors or engineers. So I can insert this little gem into all manner of conversations in totally inappropriate contexts and get away with it. Here's an example: "Yes, I heard that the Carnegie has a new exhibit of new Mantissa paintings. Wonderfully expressive if not a little derivative." See what I did there? That sentence means nothing but if played right, it could lead to a little groping with a half-stoned divorcee in the coat room at a local Elks Club. Or perhaps this little scenario when dealing with sports talk that may be moving into an area that I have no use for, like baseball. "Tony 'Royal' Mantissa was the greatest third baseman who ever played for the Turtle Creek Hammers. It was Triple A ball back in the 50's. You've never heard of him? I'm surprised, you being such a baseball fan and all..." (Here's a secret - no guy ever wants to admit that he does not know something about sports. It's a sign of weakness and is liable to get you a wedgie, which as an adult is almost worse than a non-fatal gunshot wound).

And finally: Dither. This reason for this one is simple. Say it really, really fast. Hear it? It's the same sound that little kids make at that moment right before they pass out from a sugar overdose. You know, when they are running in a tight circle with their arms held out perpendicular. That wild moment of what you would imagine an egret with a bum leg would look like trying desperately to take flight. I include this because it's just fun. Period. Try it. When the boss hands you a file and starts screaming that it needs done now or your ass is "sooo fired", just hop up in your cubicle and start whirling around saying 'dither, dither, dither...." You'll probably still get fired but you'll get a good laugh out of it and isn't that what we're all looking forward to in 2009?

So there it is. I hope you all find what you're looking for in 2009. If you use resolutions, good luck. If you have your own word for the upcoming year, I hope it serves you well. If it's a slogan, keep it close in your mind. As for me, I'll be the one in the lunchroom, spinning wildly and shouting "dither, dither, dither...."