Stressed? Of Course Not.....It's CHRISTMAS!

It's beginning to look a lot like....well, you know how the song goes. Whatever it's looking like on the outside is nothing compared to what my mind looks like on the inside of this overworked, high strung mother who has to do it all for the holidays. Won't you join me as I peruse my list? Something tells me yours will resemble this one. Perhaps we can sing a carol or nibble a double-iced sugar cookie as we read each number on the list. After all, why not up our sugar intake? You know that as the holidays draw nearer the kids will have more than tripled theirs!

Mom's Holiday Stress List

Buy the presents-even the ones for Aunt Gladys and Uncle Paul, who even though you tell them every year not to buy live gifts for your children, will show up with some sort of small reptile in a cage. When they balk at your gift to them of reptile food (read: live crickets!) and a gift card to the pet store, remind them gently of your rule.

Brave the school holiday performances-yes, it is indeed wonderful to watch young children give thanks and lift their voices in glee, but exactly how many renditions of Frosty the Snowman can one parent listen to in a lifetime? Enter the addition of the teacher's quartet playing the hand bells and kazoos, and you've got something resembling screeching traffic noise at rush hour. Note for night of concert: take aspirin. Lots of aspirin.

Plan the holiday menu-of course you can't forget the special diets of Grandma and Aunt Jean's second cousin twice removed. Wasn't his name Leonard? Let's see, no onions for Grandma and no dairy for Leonard....or was it the other way around. Note for menu prep: buy Gas-X and Lactaid.

Decorate the house-with boughs of holly, menorahs, or what have you, and be sure to remember where all of last year's stuff is packed away. Carry the boxes down from the attic, be careful not to fall off the ladder (oh, no...is that the phone?) and keep anything the dog/cat/two-year old might eat just up out of hand/paw reach. And make it all look good. Better Homes and Gardens good.

Decorate the children-come on now, you know what I mean. Bathe them, dress them up in clothing so stiff it won't allow limbs to bend, slick their bangs down with just enough saliva to prevent cowlicks and then make them smile! That's right...for the camera. Decorate the children and maybe even mom and dad, too, and stick the results on the front of 60 glossy holiday cards to send to people like Aunt Jane's second cousin twice removed who is coming to your house for dinner, and will get to see you all anyway.

Send the cards-yes, the ones with everyone's smiling faces on the front. What recipients don't see or hear include the words mom used to make little Johnny stop sticking his finger in his brother's ear, and the run up the back of Mom's pantyhose from refereeing the boxing match between pre-teen brother and sister featherweights. Add a few sweet sentiments to the cards (lie, I tell you...lie!) and drop them in the nearest mailbox.

Happy Holidays!