Let your fingers do the shopping ( Xmas Humor)

When I lived in New England, strong signals heralded the end of summer; trees turned brilliant colors, frost appeared on the ground, and there was the smell of burning leaves in the air. Now I live in California where season signposts are less pronounced. Fortunately, American business provides it’s own signals for the end of summer — the arrival of Christmas Catalogs.

It starts as an almost imperceptible increase in the weight of what the postman delivers, and the occasional pictures of holly appearing on catalog covers. When you start having to use your son's American Flyer wagon to collect the mail, you know Christmas is only three months away.

This year I’ve decided to support the American economy by not reducing my Christmas spending. But, as my personal economy is climbing out of the same toilet as the nation’s, I plan to save money by not traipsing from mall to mall in my 14 miles-to-the-gallon-because-you-can’t-get-it-out-of-four-wheel-drive V8 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

I am going to do all my shopping in catalogs.

I figure I will also save money by having my gift selections shipped directly to the lucky recipients because large shippers buy their boxes in bulk and benefit from the best postal rates, which saves me taking out a second mortgage from Mailboxes ‘R Us.

Word of my decision seems to have leaked however, because I received 126 gift catalogs before I even ordered my Thanksgiving turkey.

Let me share some of the items I have encountered. These are all real, another example of truth being funnier than fiction.

In the $1 to $25 category:
•    Senility slate: a little blackboard that hangs around your neck-$7. (A must for certain age groups and all in-laws.)

•    Toilet Golf: a green rug that fits around the potty with a hole in it-$18. (So you can practice putting while ...)

•    "Futuristic Nostalgia": (interesting concept) A miniature spacecraft suspended on a pendulum-only $19.95

•    In the $25 to $100 category:
•    A $69 face life. Really! A face fitness system comprised of two little pieces of metal at the end of two pieces of spring steel. Also includes 1/2 oz. of high quality moisturizer. (Isn’t 1/2 an ounce like four drops?)

•   For around $100 you can get a light that simulates sunset and sunrise. (In case you don't want to open the blinds before you go to bed.)

•    There's a toaster that holds 2 hot dogs and two hot dog rolls for $50.( "great for picnics", if you have a REALLY LONG extension cord.)

Over $100:

•    Great Drives on America's Highways - a $120 set of videotapes that not only let you explore America but with CELEBRITY DRIVERS — one of whom is Terri Garr. (I think I'd be jumping out of the window before the first rest stop.)

•    In the area of personal defense there is an item which can immobilize potential attackers from 17 feet away, using a 9 volt battery-$140 (I think 9 volts would just make an attacker angrier.)

•    For $250 you can direct your own dreams (If you are tired of Steven King's direction). It comes with an eye mask, which has embedded micro-electronics that "cues you in your dream that you're having one so you can pay attention and control it." (I'm sure they wouldn't sell it if electro-shock might wake you up — or put part of your brain on “hold.”)

For that special someone, where price is no barrier:
•    The Alien Queen: From the Alien movie comes a 16-foot sculpture — $22,000. (No comment)

•    A Ragtime Band organ: houses eight automatic-play instruments-bass and snare drums, cymbal, tambourine, triangle, castanets, a 27-note Glockenspeil and 43 calliope pipes. Only $11,500. (Wonder what they'd deduct if you ordered it without the cymbal and triangle? And, can they set it up for coin operation? Then it would be an investment not a toy, should the IRS, or a spouse, ever ask.)

•    A motion detecting dinosaur: to startle uninvited guests. An infra-red sensor activates a threatening performance (liability insurance for real guests not included).

•    For you Dads who are good with tools you can buy a G0-Kart that will achieve 28 mph for $1399. You can save $150 shipping costs if you assemble it at the factory and drive it home.

Or I could drive one to the mall and buy some real presents. I understand GO-Karts get great mileage.
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