Not Raising Hogs

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1968, until this year, when he got your check for $1000.00 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000. for not raising 100 hogs?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 for the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise, will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that also.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours: xxxxxxxxx

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese??