What I'm doing and what I'm going to do...

Kind of funny that I went to school today and found the roads were a big clogged on the way there, I had been planning on applying for some jobs near my school for some part time work to supplement the income I already receive. But, then I realized that I really needed some extra study time, besides there is career services at my school and they are really good about helping me when I need it. Soooo... I walked in and found a fellow classmate that also wanted to brush up. We drilled each other till it was time for our test. Long day at school after that, did an interesting project looking up how many calories are in the food at Applebees (well my team chose Applebees) Ewwww! Haha

I was happy to get out of school early and bounded into my brothers house. I made myself a bite to eat and made some hot tea while I was at it. Then who should appear... but my brother. Grrrr. Oh gawd, he was so much like my dad I wanted to laugh at him, but I'm trying to just shut my mouth for now because he is letting me stay with him. I figure I can shut my mouth now, then when I get my own place I can respectfully tell him he needs to stop pretending to be my dad! So, anyhow, he asked me if I got any applications. Nope. Why... had to study for a test. Didn't I know there was going to be a test, don't I ever read the syllabus... yes, I knew there was a test, no I don't need to read the syllabus, I wanted to study with a classmate! Well, maybe school isn't the best thing for you, you would be better off working if you ever want to get your kids back.

OH NO HE DIDN'T! You know my lovely little post about people that throw their age around? Yeah, well people who try to use your children as a threat to get you to do what they want... that gets to me even more. "Oh, well you shouldn't be dating, your children will be scarred for life if you do. Oh, you shouldn't be single, that lil boy of yours needs a man in the house!" Push/ Pull, Push/ Pull. I zoned out. I'm really good at that. I've been doing it since I was really young. Lecture voice turns on (You know the voice that says 'I really think that I have the only idea worth listening too, and weather you listen or not I'm going to lay it all out here') and it's funny because I don't give eye contact at all, I don't look at my fit either because that is a sign of submissiveness that you don't give to people like this. I looked past him. It's the best move really... because it says 'honestly there is much more interesting in the world than listening to what you have to say.'  I nod haphazardly and keep staring into space thinking about everything else in life but what he is going on and on about. And then I glance at the clock, dude has he been monologueing  for the past hour! I tear myself away from my trance and look him straight in the eyes "Um, I left my phone out in the van and need to go get that." Then I turned and walked away.

Now granted, I'm sure that their are nuggets of truth and possibly wisdom in what my brother has to say. But, he needs to learn that there is a time and a place for this kind of talk. And a way to present it. This is a lesson my dad never did learn. My dad is the KING of inappropriate lectures. I remember him getting on me for something when I was a teen (what it was I don't remember... he had so many really crazy rules and problems with everything I did) I turned away and grabbed 3 large trash bags and went to my room. Now, my mom learned long ago that I might be a slob most of the time... but as long as I'm a slob, you know I'm happy with my lie. Get me mad... and I start cleaning! My did didn't quite get it and just barged in on me in my room and continued his lecture while I was cleaning. I don't remember much of what happened next. I just remember turning on him in blind rage and yelling and him and letting him know just what I thought of him and his crazy rules. Because of this outburst my dad felt very self righteous about the whole situation just because I lost my temper. Even my mom didn't back me up because she saw the temper. When I talked about it years later with her she started laughing her butt off. "He did WHAT????? What an idiot! If I would have known he did that I would have told him to leave you alone." Haha. Well, not that it really would have helped.

Okay, let me get something clear here. I am rather afraid that I'm going to come off like an overgrown bratty teenager that just can't get over all the rules daddy had. But, it really isn't like that, but I've compared notes with lots of girls that thought their dads held a tight reign on them... hands down I win!

1. I was not allowed to go to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert with my friend when I was 16 because it was 'in the city and you don't know what kind of evil minded men will be at that concert' Hahaha, evil minded christian men, and I would have been with her family the entire time!

2. When I was 13 I had to sign a contract promising to let my dad choose my future husband for me.

3. When 2 friends of mine had a free ticket to the baseball game and invited me... my dad forced them to buy him a ticket so that he could go and keep an eye on us. Good grief, they were brother and sister!

4. I was not allowed to read anything but christian literature. And not just any ol 'Neilsons publishing' would do. I had to have 'Vision Forum' go ahead and look it up if you have a mind... while your at it, google Patriarch Magazine... a man that not only started the church I grew up in... but he also put my dad in CHARGE of it when he left!

5. I was homeschooled, but not just for the superior education that homeschoolers have... no I didn't go to the homeschool groups, or hang out with other kids my age at all really. My friends grew up hurt most of the time because my dad would physically grab me away from them and make me stand by my mom instead of talking to my friends. My friends thought that they had done something to offend my dad... but, no, he just didn't believe in children being friends with children is all. And yes, this went all the way up to age 17.

6. At age 17 I got kicked out of the house for checking my horoscope. Yes, you read that correctly. The funny thing is I didn't even do it. But, whatever. I don't even really care now.

There is so much more, but I think this gives you a sampling of the life I lived. And why it makes me so mad to be pushed back into a life like that as an adult!

So, even though my brother lectures that I'm not doing the right thing and should take advantage of the awesome position I am in... I'm going tomorrow to check into getting this apartment. I CAN'T live like this. I would rather fail again. I would rather lose everything again than be choking under his 'help'.