This feeling is completely new to me: Selfishness. How do you deal with that? When you know it's wrong, but you can't help how you feel. Who am I to decide what's right or wrong for someone else. Are my emotions really getting in the way of my own judgement? Since when do I even have emotions? I'm a realist. I've always been able to see the good and bad in every situation. So why? Why am I having such a hard time with this? My mind will not even sit still long enough to form a single thought. They're all just whirling and whipping around in my head. It's like a miniature hurricane, except there's no eye to this storm. It's just a constant. No release, no break, no relaxation. There was a calm though. For a few moments anyway. Could I get that calm to come back? Even for just a little while. You can send in a second storm if you'd like. Just give me some time to breathe. One soothing, tranquil breath to rid my mind of all thought, all senses. Take me back to the numbness I know. The emptiness that I've learned to embrace. And what is this in my eye? Liquid form, clear. It looks almost like....One solitary tear drop slowly kissing my face. Over three years since I last felt a tear. Foreign. Fallen for a purpose unknown. I don't know how to deal with this. How to make it go away. How does one person get into your head and completely take over? Your thought process, the way you look at yourself. Make your emotions go crazy and feel what you've never felt before. Has this always been inside me, just waiting for someone to open the door? If that's the case, that's fine. But why did it have to be that one person, the one that means so much? I learned a long time ago that life isn't always fair. But this time, I didn't even have a chance.
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As one person said here moderation is the key. I think we all have had periods of selfishness and at times it is good to be selfish because it is after all, our life that we must watch out for when push comes to shove and yes sometimes there are others who seem in the way or are the brunt of our selfish desires and it may hurt them not quite understanding what it is we are going through inside our selves.
It is also very good to write those feelings out as you have done. I keep a journal ,though I don't write daily, just once or twice a week, and it helps a lot to express our deep feelings about whatever it is that bothers us or makes us happy etc.
I keep reading Buddhist works about how desire is the root suffering and that happiness can only be obtained through giving up desire, attachment, hang ups, and grasping behaviors.
I sounds nice, but I don't think I'm going there this lifetime. I wake up and say okay I'm going to get out of bed today to earn money or to spend the money I've earned on junk I don't need or simply to further my world domination plot.