The Cynical Empire: Your Vote At Work

You may recently have observed that the Cynical Empire took a vote on what to declare war on. We don't expect that this will actually improve matters, of course, but it's far more entertaining to declare war on something than to actually solve it, and it implies we might be willing to blow things up, which is always more entertaining than working.

As such, we carefully and painstakingly tallied the votes of our citizens (and noncitizens - we save a lot of money by just not worrying so much about who's a citizen, after all), and thus far, the leading vote is 'Gas Prices'. (Votes for 'everything' were simply counted as a vote for every other option brought up, of course.) As such, we've decided on a comprehensive attack strategy for reducing the cost of fuels and thus providing us with the gasoline we need to fuel our flaming fountains:

1) Apparently one concern that causes high gas prices is an increase in demand. Therefore, our Exports Minister has issued a decree that all people who advocate solving problems by shipping everyone they disagree with to foreign climates shall be disallowed access to motor vehicles. This will ensure that the fuel they would otherwise consume will be put to things they consider a higher priority.

2) As you may have noticed, we have decided to make citizenship within the Cynical Empire easily attainable. We figure that it's childish and petty to be worried about whether someone is 'foreign', and we figure that reducing our efforts on citizenship enforcement (border patrols, deportation, and such) will save countless barrels of fuel that we can use to continue running our wonderful flaming fountains. Cynics would point out that this negatively affects our defensive position, to which I respond, 'If anyone invades, we'll just provide proof that they have terrorist connections and let the United States bomb them out of relevance, then rebuild using foreign aid contributions.'

3) The Cynical Empire is also proud to announce that it runs a thoroughly paperless system of government, relying on electronic services and battery-operated systems that can easily be powered by wind farms, solar energy, or by our greatest technological achievement...

4) The Autogenerator. This simple device is based on designs available since the medieval era, namely, giant wheels that are moved through human locomotive power. We have found that a properly induced individual can provide large amounts of energy by operating these devices. Currently, we use a points-based system where power generated allows you to purchase a variety of things; we've seen great success with our pilot project, where one of our test subjects has been consistently generating energy and cashing in points earned to buy fast food and music for his MP3 player. With suitable access to sanitation, restaurant, lodging and entertainment facilities on site, we think this should allow us to provide electrical power throughout the Empire while simultaneously providing food, housing, exercise, and employment to our citizens. It even makes a great child care solution!

5) If none of these options prove successful, we plan on invading Exxon and seizing their assets. We figure that nobody will really miss them, and that by eliminating executive salaries and perks, we can lower Exxon's expenses and therefore lower gas prices, undercutting the market - and giving our Empire all of the profits, besides. In point of fairness to Exxon employees, we will also be seizing and redistributing assets of Exxon executives in excess of $10 million and redistributing them among all Exxon employees with assets totalling less than $1 million. We'll take a 10% 'finder's fee' off the top, but we figure nobody will mind if they receive a check for past earnings due and an increase in wages. The executives will likely complain about their 90% or greater wage cuts, but since they form a very small fraction of the total workforce, we don't honestly care.

6) We are also hiring technical specialists knowledgeable in the processes of converting existing gas-powered vehicles to electric-only systems, and convincing them to work on a larger scale instead of complaining about how nobody will let them work on a larger scale. We feel that the overall advantages and reduced long-term costs of converting most of our fuel-reliant vehicles to electric will improve our empire, and make the price of gas mostly irrelevant, except towards running our awesome flaming fountains. Furthermore, we think that if people have to go for a run in the Autogenerator to charge their car AND their cell phone up, they'll think twice about chatting on cell phones while driving.




(The Cynical Empire is a flight of fantasy, and is not meant to be taken too seriously. If after reading content of The Cynical Empire you feel strong urges towards political activism, economic stimulus, sexual urges, gambling, or other compulsive behaviors, see your doctor immediately.)