Here is my problem. Ive got a grown son who I love very much. But he has always been a problem child. We didn't really give him very much sense of discipline, preferring instead to instill creativity and a sense of adventure. Im not really sure what he does for a living, but he has been doing really well for several years.
Last week, he came over for a visit. He was upset. It turns out he has been a gambler for the past decade, and that has been the source of his high income. As he told us the details of his life, his mother and I began to understand why he often sent us large presents, and at other times asked for large amounts of money.
But this time was different. His gambling had gotten out of control. He owed a huge amount of money, and the people he owed it to were threatening his life. At least that's what he told us. He asked for a sum of money, that was just about all we had.
"I know it's a lot to ask, Mom and Dad, but if I don't pay them, they will kill me."
I talked to some of my friends about this. Almost all of them were against the idea of paying the money. One friend said, "You are only encouraging his bad behavior if you pay him now". Another said, "Are you sure, there is really any danger? Maybe he is conning you, once again". Another one said, "If you give that kind of sum, think of the position YOU will be in".
Of course they are all right. But he isn't their son, he's mine, and I cant accept the risk that he might be telling the truth, this time, and that he is great danger. So I have decided to give him the money. But.... He must sign a legal agreement to pay every cent back, with interest. This means he will need to get a job, and stay close to home, so his relatives can keep a watch on him. If he is ever found to gamble again, I will get him tossed in jail.
He has agreed. God help me, I hope I am doing the right thing. What do you think?
(Note added after about 50 comments. Before posting a comment on this article, you might want to check out the first comment, (by Pat S, and my own first comment).
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 60
Nice parable.
(sorry)
Regardless - he is an adult and he needs to be in control of his destination.
Wall Street made a mess. They can clean it up.
Some people are "givers" in life, and since you say you "can't accept the risk" of your son being a liar, you appear to be a "giver" and I would suggest your son knows you are a ready, agreeable mark.
Parents are the worst decision makers as it pertains to their children "in crisis." They always want to solve the problem for the child. It simply makes the matter worse, as the child learns the Pavolvian lesson his caretaker teaches.
Let the "boy" grow up. Any "man" that lives for a decade or more by gambling, is a fool, and deserves whatever fate awaits.
Too bad you've bailed him out in the past, apparently by your words, more than once.
The pattern is established, and the person that should be in the alpha role, has ceded that position of dominance to his offspring, apparently because he foolishly believes he is unable to accept his son could be a liar.
Man up Sy, and maybe the kid will too.....
We do know that the government has lied to us, a lot. Tonkin Gulf was a big one. And the non existent WMD, another. And I have no idea if the fear being spread by Washington is real or not. Hence the parable, hence the dilemma. This is the real dilemma of every Congressman and Senator tonight. I would have no idea what to do.
I can't tell you what to do. None of us can. Many children (even the grown ones) are unwilling or incapable of maturing. Others do. No one, and I mean no one, can decide what you are willing to risk on your child or whether he will be worthy of that trust.
I suspect that your relationship will not be the same no matter what happens, and that's sad. I suspect that it may be harder than he thinks to reform himself. But there are worse things than being a gambler. It is impractical and dangerous, but he could be a drug addict or a violent individual. If you feel this is best for you, you must do it.
After all, you will live with the consequences of whatever you decide.
I'm not sure it's the country, but I'm not convinced I'm right. Is it those who are in power, and the system we have that puts them there without providing assurance (or punishment if they do not) they will work to our benefit.
I'm glad I answered consistently with my opinion on the banks--- let the kid (the banks) stand or fall on his own.
One key thing: don't expect to get your money back, but I think you already know that.
But jJack is right. Both you and Stephanie answered in a way that would be true for a real child, and for the parable as well. For example, Stephanie said "I suspect that your relationship will not be the same no matter what happens, and that's sad. I suspect that it may be harder than he thinks to reform himself." How true, how true!!
Please dont delete your comment. I think it was great, and like all the others it really applies to the parable as well as the literal story. Please, I hate deletions.
Why would I care what somoene else thinks of your ideas ??
When I come to a person's page, I am interested in hearing THEM, not others.
jJack, thats interesting. I am just the opposite. I always read the comments. Sometimes they are better than the article. In fact often.
And you are right, it would be tough to know how to vote if I were a Congress person tonight. What I'm hoping is that the majority of them love their country as well, and aren't just thinking about their own self interest and the next election. If "no" is the right answer, then I hope they have the courage to vote that way. And if yes is the right answer, they better be able to explain why. So far, I'm not convinced.
What I'm seeing is the same old same old, with everyone standing there with their hand out, wanting their piece of the pie. And you know what? I'm getting awfully tired of being the grown up. I'm tired of bailing everyone out, and I'm tired of being the one who has to live with everyone else's bad choices, their failure to be accountable and responsible, and their me first attitude. I do not believe we are on the brink of Depression, anymore than I believe the stuff about the gas shortages in the south. That's just one more example of people being stupid and acting on their fears, rather than being responsible. Instead of only filling up when it's actually needed, folks are stopping to top off their tanks every time they spot a station, adding to long lines and shortages. People are thinking short term instead of long term. They are thinking of themselves, instead of what might be better overall.
I would prefer, perhaps in conjunction with a smaller bailout, to see real action to punish the real miscreants here. Set some examples. Like any parent, at some point, we have to put our foot down and say enough.
Ok, jumping off my soapbox here.
I think there is a dilemma, which means I am not in agreement with so many people on all sides of the political spectrum who just want to vote no. Maybe because I remember the stories of my parents in the Great Depression. And that made me think of the family drama (which is loosely stolen from a fine movie of several years ago called Parenthood).
say "NO!" to bail-out mania
I think if we run the bailout we keep all the incompetents and criminals
in place, with more expertise and emboldened, just like those terrorists
Bush and McCain are always talking about.
If the bad guys remain, the good companies will get no opportunity to
rise up and fill the void left by the collapse of the bad apples.
Now, to use your parable as a kick off for some logic, here’s my thinking (albeit nobody cares what I think …) I also have a 20 years old son with some accountability issues . Let’s assume he’s created some debt . The problem is that if I bail him out and give him the money directly there’s no telling what he’ll do with it , he might pay his debt or he may pay some of it and splurge the left over on designer clothes ….I could also pay off the debtors directly with a large sum of money .
So if the government helps out the individuals in trouble rather than big corporations , what will happen after the cash is spent ?Sure , everybody wants money in their pocket right about now , but remember the Maslow’s pyramid , this would only be an immediate need taken care off .
Bottom line is that i typed 200 words above but have no solution , worse i don't even think i have a point ...
I thought I saw one item on the news that addresses your point. It was that the Fed just injected 650 billion into the economy. My reaction was WHAT?? Wait a minute, isnt that almost 700 billion? Did the announcer have that right? did he mean million??
Atlantis, it just means you are confused, like every other human being on the planet.
I am beginning to think that this all boils down to the fact that we have no real leadership in Washington, and that is very scary. As Bruce points out, we havent managed to get Bin Laden or the other terrorists either. Would anyone, even Republicans, argue against the idea that this has been the worst American President in history?
> been the worst American President in history?
By doing anything but hanging their heads in shame and shutting up
the Republicans are indeed arguing that everything is fine. That is
what we heard thoughout the last 8 years.
There is a great conversation online with Bill Moyers and Andrew
Basevich, bestselling author, about the decline of America.
The comment was America is becoming so deranged an unhinged
from reality that there is no longer any regard for the consequences.
We seem to fill ignorance with corrupt profiteering, so the path is
always clear, whatever can generate the most cash instead of what
is right.
We have an addiction to imported goods, oil and credit, and the
purpose of the government is to enable us, and condition us further
into this addiction. Our whole society is built on this, so that when
faced with a crisis, it could be likely we would rather go to war
instead of dealing with reality.
I have a friend who is a gambler. He lived a great life. Beautiful home, nice wife and they basically did what they wanted to do. He was in therapy regarding family matters and was told he had the gambling addiction. He was told to stop. He did not do this. He got himself in big trouble and started borrowing from his mother who is 83. She has been helping him and he has lost his home and is broke. She is losing her money too. Here at 83, she should be enjoying life and not have financial worries. But instead, she is helping her son who has not listened to his therapist and has not joined a support group.
If your son promises he will pay you back, don't count on it. Oh, when he tells you he has every intention to do so, he means it at the time. It is like the alcoholic that promises he will never take a drink again. There behavior is motivated by their addiction.
I wish you luck, but don't be surprised if you never see a penny of your loan.
A hard time?? From you?? Nah, I cant believe it. LOL!!
I am beginning to think this post is the model for why people should read at least some of the comments before commenting. Your welcome, Gather.
Well, McCain tries to "distance" himself from w. at every turn.
Your parable is an accurate one. The economic situation is the logical outcome of a society that has as its primary dynamic an addictive orientation. This is all "withdrawal", because the "supply" is running out. That's true if it's drugs, oil, or credit. This is true at the societal level, and at the level of most of our "consumers" - uh..., I mean "citizens".
I just hope that when Obama says "Enough is enough," we (and he) really understands what that means.
And Obama is the second highest recipient of donations from employees of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
A lesson here, Sy, in several ways.
I hate deletions and neverminds, too.
lol@Gary....good idea.