Thought~Byte No.169

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This is a great pic and it is true. That is a sad thing.

It is sad, Elizabeth.

To clarify (the drawing says it better than my words did) This Byte is not about helping, it is about rescuing.

Ah, but it does not say that. The best aid you can provide to a victim is empowerment and the ability to prevent a repeat of the situation that made them a victim in the first place.

The words were intended to speak to the concept that no one can empower someone else. You have to do it for yourself.

The drawing adds a different dimension to this as do some of the concepts below.

As Bytes are just thought catalysts, I say the more interpretations the merrier. As with the empowerment, only the connections you make from this Byte will have any value for you.

There is a fine line between assisting and enabling. Often that line is very hard to define until you realize you have actually crossed it.

Point well taken, Linda.

One thing to worry about is getting comfortable in the roles of victim and rescuer.

Don't you already know? Throw unregulated money at the 'victim' and the problem is solved. That's a "change" for you.

Good point, Jeff. That is akin to "form a task force," both coming from people with the power who won't take the time to understand the problem.

First thought John? The individual is only a victim so long as they want to be. Initially, yes. Remaining one, no. It a choice.

You help a victim initially--that's kindness and compassion.

They have to then help themselves to be a survivor who lives life to the full. And that's where our initial kindness can turn to enabling if we're not careful.

Sia, you distinguish between initially and chronic. Thanks.

In your last sentence I'd use the word "disabling."

And you'd be right, John.

John, you probably have spies around our office in Delhi. In fact, I had just turned away someone away. He happened to be a boy and carried a slip of paper where it was written I am unable to speak or hear. Normally, we do not entertain people who seek alms inside the office. Naturally, I had to turn him away. So I did that politely.

But this sort of thing – begging - is quite common here, and you never know if a person is telling the truth. Personally, I discourage beggars and would only help those who are in dire need of help. But most people take to begging seeing this as a lucrative business to earn without any pain or handwork. So you find children and even elders running around begging at cross-roads and bus stops.

I feel the government needs to take care of people who are in dire need of help by allowing some form of pension or things of the sort. Otherwise, they should be accommodated in some camps where philanthropists may cater to their needs.

But basically here begging has become a nuisance because even children who are robust and healthy go about begging just for the heck of it. Yes – you are right – by giving alms one only “makes them all the more a victim”. Very thoughtful piece.

Thanks, Vinod.

In many places like India you experience an exaggerated case of the subject of this Byte. I think the principle of "helping victims help themselves" is probably still valid and the solution is not, as Jeff mentions above, throwing money at the problem.

In the Navy we had an aviator's wife who played the victim card. She felt she could get away with anything because she was the only officer's wife on base of her ethnicity, so any criticism could be chalked up to bigotry. That's one kind of victimized status.
Another is the kind of person who spends his or her life wallowing in their victimized state instead of rising above and moving on. Trying to "rescue" somebody who is determined to forever be a victim is not going to change that.

Not only won't it help, John, it reinforces the victim's decision to stay in that role.

In my experience, the rescuer bears considerable responsibility here as well. They are both playing a game to use the transactional analysis term of "games people play."

If your aid is in the form of labeling as the picture suggests then you aren't helping, you are denying their abilities. If you provide help while they solve their own problems, they grow and prosper. It all is in the attitude.

You make a valid point, Larry. Helping someone help themselves can work well.

That's how children become adults, via being helped to accomplish things for themselves. Those who are not helped at all feel abandoned. Those who find that others do it for them never gain confidence in their own abilities. Those who are attacked (verbally or physically) for needing help fear the world (and sometimes retaliate).

Like marking one. Right.

Sort of, Kushal, though the drawing is an exaggeration.

oy...

that's something to watch for! Helpers mean well, but some kinds of help are enabling.

Again, Sandi, as I mentioned above to Sia, I'd see the word as "disabling." Maybe I'm missing something here.

I would say that some Helpers are helping for their own reasons not for the altruistic ones they espouse.

ah...I see what you mean. I meant "enabling" as in someone who helps their friend stay in a bad situation by their support. But that is far more disabling...

Now I understand as well. Think I prefer disabling in this context.

Good one John!!

I have a lot of experience with these doo gooders who, as you say are "helping" for there own gratification. Yes I am considered one of these doo gooders in certain situations.
I do it cause I am selfish, I need that for myself. I will walk away when helping becomes public. I personally do not want the attention.
Remembering when I took the kids to the city, long story. Anyhoo I have taught my kids that home is where you are. Technically we were "homeless", however that is not how I see things. These doo gooders insisted that I come to reality and admit we were homeless. No, I have kids whom I have taught different and I will not give up as many women there were doing.
The mayor of that city promised to get every women and child off the "streets". We were considered homeless, so I did me some calling and had us a place. A promise is a promise and if the mayor did not promise, and the newspaper did not publish it.....
A victim is a mind set. It is not by choice, it is a mind set. People like to put others into this mind set. I think it makes them themselves feel good. Look I am better then so and so.
I am no victim, will never be a victim. No matter how people treat me. The way I see it, if people abuse others in any fashion, they have to live with this. I might be "disabled", some say body and mind. But I do not have to look at the situation like they do.... Call me crazy lol!
Now to teach others that "victim" and "disabled" are only societies way of putting people in a nice square box. Like a group I am in says, never ever give up!
Again nice one!!

Thanks, MrsR for your attitude and your personal experience.

It is a mindset. There is a concept called the "drama triangle" in psychology: persecutor, victim, rescuer. Some families and societies are constructed on that model. And the roles can change. One day your mother can be rescuing your from your father and the next day she is the persecutor.

Yes I have heard of that, isn't something how our society appears to have so many victims ?
I spoke to one kid who was a victim of the economy (not my kid). Nothing positive said was going to get him out of this mind set. Sad actually.
This topic kind of relates to something I am writing at the moment.

Then to my oldest boy is homeless in a city over here. I guess I taught him well for he is very happy doing what he is doing. Like the experience I had up there, he is not "homeless", he is on a "adventure". I being his mother am still worried for him..... that my job!

I think the increasing "sense of entitlement" as a "right" and the increasing number of people who feel they are "victims" goes hand in hand.

It's a shame because it diverts attention and resources from those who really need help.

It is true that there are those who magnify the victim status in order to reap the associated benefits. After all, if there are no starving children to feed, how are we going to look good? Never mind that elimination of the root problem (the form of money we use) would drastically reduce the number of starving children so we'd have to find other ways to shine. But I'm sure that the world could manage that...

I think that's also true, Lydia. Thanks for adding to this Byte.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Lao Tzu

Granny Janny, the irony is that most of "teaching" your children is just modeling behavior — thinking and otherwise.

I taught my son backgammon by just "thinking out loud" as we played.

Actually, teach him to fish and we run out of fish. (See Cod.)

Wow - this is so true!

Thanks, Holly.

too true

Glad you thought so, Chas.

Ah, there's the rub, alright. The line between empowering and enabling is often easily "NOT DRAWN.

John, excellent point.

Good way to put it, Pat. Thanks.

Fascinating. The victim has to change and no one can do it for him.

That's a key aspect to this Byte, Sheila. Thanks.

This was very thought provoking indeed, I am not sure I completely agree with you in this. Sometimes victims need a little compassion and a helping hand up, at least to a certain point.

I agree with you, Beth. The semantics are tricky. Victim in this Byte is more the chronic or "professional" victim not, say, someone who lost their house in Katrina. That person is a real victim and deserves the helping hand you describe.

The picture implies that the do gooder is there for his own glory. That never helps anyone. If you want to help some times just listening can be more assistance than giving people the label "VICTIM" and helpng carry their load. I agree that we may be victimized at times but there is no need to remain in that place. Move on. Life is to be lived.

Yes, the do gooder side is another facet in this Byte, Ruth. Thanks.

Most of us cannot empower anyone to do much of anything unless you are one those nasty capitalist supervisors. Enablers abound to foster the victims. The scary thing is that victims empower victims so we breed new generations of victims continuously who are empowered by their parent (singular is on purpose) and government enables if not empowers by its lack of understanding and easy access to unlimited funds.

Rest easy

It does seem to be spiraling out of control.

We have members of our congregation who are being assisted by other in the congregation. I have noticed that the aid given has always been to get the person to a point where he/she can carry on without further assistsnce. Just asking for money will not result in a response. Asking for a job will.

When houses are destroyed, we put back up the walls, roof and doors. The occupant must finish the rest.

If the person will not demonstrate willingness (preferrebly determination) to change his/her status/situation, we are disinclined to assist. One member in dire need decided to open a shop along a busy route out of town. She asked for loans and got gifts. (Money, building materials and free labor.)

As stated a number of times above, sometimes all the person needs is a listening ear. Once when I got into deep financial manure, I called an elder. He couldn't help, I knew that, but we just talked and talked (well I did the most of the talking) at the end, I thanked him very much. I could handle the problem; I just needed to unload my depression first.

Two good examples of "aiding" versus "rescuing," Dennis. Thanks.

Only when the victim is yourself.

An intriguing other side to this Byte, Angela. "Victim" does not have to refer to other people. You could be continually rescuing yourself.

Thanks for that.

They do get the big, fancy medal! Just sayin'. Of course it'll probably get caught in a subway door and end up killing them, but that's a tale for another day.

Metaphorically speaking (and aren't we all), that's often what happens. (the medal not the subway door).

Otherwise "Victimhood" wouldn't be so appealing.

Maybe the empowerment to leave the victim status has to come from within.

Maybe no maybe about it, Karen.

You're right!

That is very true as some people will always be the victim. This is especially true in domestic cases as the victim always end up with some one who will abuse them. They need to learn to break the cycle and only they can do that.

Excellent point I don't think has been raised so far, LaRue.

All "game" players are very skilled at finding new actors for the old play and for parts originated quite probably by mom or dad or both.

Victims remain victims until they make a choice to free themselves. No one else can free them, no matter how good their intentions.

Good point, Jan.

And trying to rescue them works against their making that decision.