I know, and I think it's sad to be driven by fear. They may very well find they in being alone they have a best companion and refuge in themselves, and great joy as well. Distinguishing the difference from "loneliness", and "alone", the greatest loneliness I've felt -- sometimes -- was being in the "crowd".
Having a life means also getting to know and being comfortable in your own skin. I've always thought being a whole person more important. Having someone share your life with is a bonus. Having a life means you have something to share...
Something just happened that causes me to correct myself, John. Greta Garbo did NOT say that at all. What she did say though, was,
I vant to be let ALONE!!!!!!!!!!
LOL. Bless her lovely heart.
That is what I miss about home. I'm going home, soon. But I do not think I shall be able to jump into the leetle vehicle and head out into the wide open country spaces the way I once was able to do -- breathing room, space, getting away from people, getting away from it all. [Big sigh].
I tried to find those places of refuge last year, and they were all gone.
People will tell you that I have been known to just tell them,
GO! Go home!
Relationships? Hmmm. When they are good, oooooh yeah, but the bad ones?
I recall one where I walked, and it was HEAVEN, just to be . . .ALONE.
I did not care -- at that time -- if I never saw human face for the rest of my life. I tell you,
It is often difficult to fathom, John. I had a patient who had a good job and was intelligent, personable and attractive and related well to people. She confessed to me that whenever her husband went out drinking, which was often, she could count on being beaten when he got home. Yet she told me that she would swear on a bible in court that she had never told me that! She elected to stay with the bum!
I chose to be happy and I am alone...as far as not having a mate in life at this point. I can be in a crowd of people and still be alone. It isn't being with people that means that you aren't alone, it is what you chose to do with the situation that matters. I am finding that I have to make my own happiness and not count on having someone in my life to make me happy. Having someone in your life doesn't alway make you happy.
Some folks use other people as cushions or bumpers for their own world. Crowding other people in all the corners and niches to keep them from introspection.
I also know some folks who use "make busy" the same way. They get so caught up in the lists and details of "the doing" that they never have to slow down and take a long evaluative look at who and what they are, what they stand for, or what their "gifts" are.
I guess I kinda think of folks as Pos or Neg. Others call it "givers" or "takers." I just call it "theirs" and am thankful it isn't mine.
Someone in an abusive relationship once told me: Batter the devil you know than the devil you don't. It isn't my way. That kind of relationship would smother me to death. I believe learning to live on my own is the biggest gift I ever gave myself. All that freedom to think or talk without being put down. Places you can go if I wished. The biggest decisions are what to do with all that freedom. All that responsibility.
Sad but true. It's remarkable how few good husbands there are out there and how many of the other kind who are married. (I'll not speak to the wives' side of that proposition.)
Of course, when one is with someone who cares nothing for one, one is still alone.
I had a non-productive relationship that I really spawned upon myself and the man because I was over 40 and unattached and was tired of being alone. He was very much a companion and we shared a lot of generational history but, in the end, he was looking for someone to enable his self-proclaimed seclusion from the world and that was not what i wanted. He refused to do anything with my family; in fact, he never even met them even though we had been dating and dating exclusively for more than a year and we all lived within 50 miles of each other so distance was no excuse. He told me once that I was all of the world he needed to see and I knew this was not what I wanted. He did not go out to eat once he discovered I could cook; used my good nature to enable him in his desire to avoid the world and his family; ignored my needs because, after all, was he not giving me the joy of his company? and I spent all of my time taking care of him and ignoring my own friends and family. Within months of dating Mel, my husband, he was involved in family events, knew enough to share insults with my brothers and was liked by my niece and nephew as well as winning over my mom, even though he was d-i-v-o-r-c-e-d. She thought that divorced meant he would leave me too if we married because he had used the escape of divorce to wiggle out of matrimony but he changed her mind and made her his #1 fan. I did what your thought byte portrays but I got out and lived to enjoy life.
Yeah, I complain about my chronic loneliness but I have to wonder how many times the Lord may have averted me from being chained to unhappiness. Just hope the right one comes along soon.
"I've always thought being a whole person more important. Having someone share your life with is a bonus. Having a life means you have something to share..."
Well stated, Sia.
You need to be whole to share in an authentic manner.
"Some folks use other people as cushions or bumpers for their own world. Crowding other people in all the corners and niches to keep them from introspection."
"Someone in an abusive relationship once told me: Batter the devil you know than the devil you don't."
Wilhelmine, an excellent point. People say that to rationalize their remaining ... forgetting it is based on the assumption that there will always be a devil in a relationship.
Three Dog Night sang a song about this.... BUT YOU KNOW....alot of the problem in choosing unhappiness....is placing false expectations on what someone else needs to do to make you happy.... Not to say one cannot find some rousing debate over unhappiness...but I tend to keep my SUPER fairy tales and expectations in a trinket box anymore...and if I choose to "wallow" in them, I try to do it at my own expense... Creating relationships with people outta "fluff" is a sad song waiting to happen..... but calling a relationship "lonely" because they endup being human....is well....the cost of false advertisement..LOL
If you choose to be unhappy rather than be alone, then you must be even more unhappy when alone. Otherwise you are a masochist of some kind. So we're dealing with the "alone" part. Sorry, I just had to think that through. Somehow we have to get people to value themselves to a point that they are, if not ecstatic, at least pleasantly ok with themselves. I wish I could help people do that. I would do it for free and be the busiest person on the planet.
OH John, I looked to you for a smile and instead I am reminded of some of my friends. How little life means when you have to hang on to emptiy hearts for companionship.
Here is something I heard once upon a time.
"There are those people who don't like themselves and then they have to take that person they don't like everywhere they go."
"Somehow we have to get people to value themselves to a point that they are, if not ecstatic, at least pleasantly ok with themselves. I wish I could help people do that."
Good one. *** I am alone, and there are times when I think that I am unhappy because of it. But whether or not I am happy MUST be something I control, not another person --- otherwise I will never be happy. Clear as mud, I know, but it make sense to me (and that's what matters).
Oh, boy. Soooo true. It's amazing how we make our relationships, unhealthy or not, our comfort zones. Then even though we know it's time to go, we cling. Taking that first step out of, and away from our comfort zones is one of the hardest things we ever have to do. But do it, we must. If we truly want to be happy.
I enjoy alone time. Alone is better than a bad relationship and not as good as a good relationship. The problem arises when you can't tell the difference.
Wow....talk about nerves being STRUCK! Interesting comments for sure! I have saved the graphic because it reminds me of my sister who is grooming her 5th future EX husband. I was miserable in a marraige for 11 years but have found myself to be a leading expert at DIVORCE. At least that has lasted for 35 years!
I'd rather be in hell, then stay where I'm unhappy. I found the love of my life, thank goodness. And, don't have to settle for second best. I love my hubby, he's truly wonderful.
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Comments: 115
I do so dig Greta Garbo's,
"I vant to be alone." Go girlfriend!
Having a life means also getting to know and being comfortable in your own skin. I've always thought being a whole person more important. Having someone share your life with is a bonus. Having a life means you have something to share...
I vant to be let ALONE!!!!!!!!!!
LOL. Bless her lovely heart.
That is what I miss about home. I'm going home, soon. But I do not think I shall be able to jump into the leetle vehicle and head out into the wide open country spaces the way I once was able to do -- breathing room, space, getting away from people, getting away from it all. [Big sigh].
I tried to find those places of refuge last year, and they were all gone.
People will tell you that I have been known to just tell them,
GO! Go home!
Relationships? Hmmm. When they are good, oooooh yeah, but the bad ones?
I recall one where I walked, and it was HEAVEN, just to be . . .ALONE.
I did not care -- at that time -- if I never saw human face for the rest of my life. I tell you,
it was HEAVEN!!!
Okay, enough of my business.
I also know some folks who use "make busy" the same way. They get so caught up in the lists and details of "the doing" that they never have to slow down and take a long evaluative look at who and what they are, what they stand for, or what their "gifts" are.
I guess I kinda think of folks as Pos or Neg. Others call it "givers" or "takers."
I just call it "theirs" and am thankful it isn't mine.
Good post John P.
Blessed be,
Wilka
It isn't my way. That kind of relationship would smother me to death. I believe learning to live on my own is the biggest gift I ever gave myself. All that freedom to think or talk without being put down. Places you can go if I wished. The biggest decisions are what to do with all that freedom. All that responsibility.
Of course, when one is with someone who cares nothing for one, one is still alone.
:+)
True, Greg, and missing the opposite, which would be heartmaking.
An important facet to this Byte, Nee.
Thanks.
An apt way to put it, Patrick. Thanks.
Insecurity is another facet of this Byte.
Or, Beth, convince themselves they didn't see it.
Denial is another aspect of this Byte.
Well stated, Sia.
You need to be whole to share in an authentic manner.
Anna, maybe that's what dogs are trying to do too — stay in a relationship.
Linda, you raise the whole question of "convenience."
I think it is both a factor and a rationalization.
Nee, that may be a good measure of your comfort in a relationship — if you feel the need to scream "I vant to be let ALONE!!!!!!!!!!"
John, I don't know much about the causes of "battered wife syndrome" and I think it is more than just a harder game of this Byte.
Maybe not.
Good point, Karen.
Choosing happiness (or unhappiness) is another aspect of this Byte.
True, John. In fact, we all do in one way or another.
How many times have you been in a situation you let "go on too long?" At work, with friendships, etc.
In addition to the personal insecurity layer of this Byte, there is also something about avoiding conflict.
Wilka, what a wonderful analogy.
Thank you.
Wilhelmine, an excellent point. People say that to rationalize their remaining ... forgetting it is based on the assumption that there will always be a devil in a relationship.
Larry, you have just surfaced another important aspect to this Byte.
Thanks.
Good for you, Donna, and thanks for sharing your example.
Bert, that is the perfect expression for this Byte.
Thanks.
Me too, Barney, and when you are thinking about it you see even more.
Hopefully you had something to do with that as well, Robert.
BUT YOU KNOW....alot of the problem in choosing unhappiness....is placing false expectations on what someone else needs to do to make you happy....
Not to say one cannot find some rousing debate over unhappiness...but I tend to keep my SUPER fairy tales and expectations in a trinket box anymore...and if I choose to "wallow" in them, I try to do it at my own expense...
Creating relationships with people outta "fluff" is a sad song waiting to happen.....
but calling a relationship "lonely" because they endup being human....is well....the cost of false advertisement..LOL
As well, Lou Ann, as the assumption that what someone else does is what will effect your happiness.
Also, SUPER fairy tales and expectations should never, eve,r be kept in the same box.
Rest easy
Here is something I heard once upon a time.
"There are those people who don't like themselves and then they have to take that person they don't like everywhere they go."
I'd start with parents, Bill.
Bob, from the comments above that would indicate that you don't feel lonely when you are alone.
I wonder if that ties to what an only child experiences?
Another excellent phrase, David. Thank you.
I also LOVE the quote.
(That is assuming you remembered to take your meds :)
Bless you John dear friend,,,
Being happy with yourself comes first and is a precursor to being happy in a relationship.
Yep. I've given this one a lot of thought. :)
I like the concept of "comfort zone." That's clearly one of the dynamics at play here.
I have saved the graphic because it reminds me of my sister who is grooming her 5th future EX husband.
I was miserable in a marraige for 11 years but have found myself to be a leading expert at DIVORCE. At least that has lasted for 35 years!
That's another side to this, Robert.
Well said and thanks.
Jan, we haven't yet discussed "freedom" as an aspect of this Byte. Thanks.
Personally, I'm not a believer in "trade-offs."
APE that's what I find interesting with Bytes. One day they mean nothing. Two months later it's ... what you said.
DIVORCE is definitely an art not a science.
I found the love of my life, thank goodness.
And, don't have to settle for second best.
I love my hubby, he's truly wonderful.
.i married one too many times for the wrong reasons...
It's not the mistakes in life that count, it's whether you learn from them.
It's like forgetting to read the small print.