It takes a lot more energy than I'll ever have, even when I'm recharged. I find it renews my energy if I'll just recognize the bias and drop it out of my life.
Somebody once told me, the only person you can change is yourself. When I looked at that, I noticed that most problems I observed in others' relationships was when one was hell bent on changing the other.
Here is a deeper problem how do I and others realize we have a bias. So it is in self-righteousness that we try to change people. It is easier to change ourselves and how much more content we would be.
That's an interesting concept, but if you stand alone it should be easy to make the change, otherwise you run the risk of being ousted from normal society.
I have been outside normal society all my life. That's the secret of my success. I learned from the errors of others. Naturally I made a lot of my own errors but I learned from those, too.
Being the one who is different makes it easy to spot one's biases.
This is so true!!! It takes a tremendous amount of energy but is completely worth the effort!! For example I had a friend who was always negative, always busy and unreliable. Being with her was EXHAUSTING and I was almost to the point of ending the friendship. Instead I took a step back and realized she is never going to change, this is how SHE IS and that maybe my expectations of her were unrealistic. I dropped the expectations and decided to just enjoy her whenever she chose to come around or call without getting annoyed or upset. Just listen to her whine about her problems endlessly without trying to change her or give her advice as I had done in the past. I took away her power to hurt me and I offered unconditional friendship/love in return. She has stopped calling/coming around as much but I feel good about things and don't hold any hatred or anger in my heart. In fact we talked on the phone last week and the conversation lasted longer than they usually do and it was actually much more pleasant then expected. We might be able to save the friendship!
If you mean by this site Thought~Bytes, all the articles (Nos 71-109 are there) and the early ones are being converted from just posted images — but you can view them by searching images for the tag "thoughtbytes" and they'll all pop right up.
We all have biases. The challenge is in recognizing them in ourselves and being honest about it. If our introspection reveals that we are unhappy with our biases, we are, of course, free to change them. This takes energy - but no where near as much as attempting to change everyone else.
My favorite university professor began her first class by telling us what her biases were. She taught history and felt it was important to state her inclinations, as-it-were, so that we may better understand her perspective and approach to the subject matter. I greatly respected her for this.
you can't change bias. you will ALWAYS have a bias because every thought you have is formed based on knowledge you already have in your head. every thought is personally designed by you mind, and thus will always have your bias.
so even if you expend "energy" to try to get rid of bias, you can't. you can reduce it perhaps but it is more likely that you just end up obtaining a new bias.
I grew up in the Bible Belt and co-existed with people who belong to the KKK, John Birch Society, Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition, would-be union organizers, racially-biased people of all colors and more. I learned at a very early age to listen and keep my own thoughts to myself and am probably the greatest sinner in the "sins of omission" category because I preferred to walk away rather than argue with fanatics on ANY topic. I just tried never to fuel a fire or opinion with which I disagreed and to try to ameliorate fanatics to see if they were truly blinded by their bias or just regurgitating the same tripe they heard others say. Many times it was the latter. I found out years later that my best friend in school was from a KKK family. We never discussed race, we never shared ethnic jokes, we never opened that can of worms so we never knew that about each other. By the time I learned this, she was concentrating on her husband and child and had no time for single friends who might lure her husband away - that was her bias I could not overcome, she believed every female wanted her husband. I once went to visit her after her little girl was born and she told me before I left that I should always call and make sure her husband was not there as that was family time and not for outsiders. It was 20 years before I visited her again and that was after her husband had left her for someone she never suspected he was seeing on the side. I can't help but believe her constant attempts to keep him for herself alone drove him away but I don't know - I never saw him again after the new baby visit. Maybe if she had had people over without her fanatical desire to keep him away from all other women, he would not have left and the clencher was that the one he left her for WAS married at the time they got together. Life is funny, is it not?
Gabe, you are right in that that is the way our minds work, off stereotypes or we'd be inundated with too much data. Thats why we can process image data quickly while a computer crunches a gazillion pixels and then often gets it wrong.
This does not mean you can't alter certain biases, or drop them, and replace them with others. Look how often the American public shifts its biases, especially when coached by spin doctors.
Donna, a wise way to deal with people who have strongly held opinions. Another way is to make the bias visible. Not to change them (that's their choice) but to clarify why they feel the way they do and you feel the way you do. The same holds true for values. Unless biases and values are visible there is can be no dialogue.
Would be great if we could wear logos of our values and biases sewn onto our clothes.
Your response to Donna is a major lesson illustrated in The Celestine Prophecy. The bias is defined as a "control drama," what people use get others to do what they want. The author shows how to confront them head on once its recognized, and how people, once confronted, almost immediately change they way they behave. Guess what-we all have a control drama, and it's up to us to recognize it and stop using it so we can have strong, loving relationships that are not based on manipulation. It's part of the child-self we need to put away and be mature adults.
I'm surprised no has made the analogy to the Bush Administration, and how every senior staff member who decided to stop drinking the Koolaid and leave was vilified, essentially for displaying independent thought and no longer following the company bias. Mr. Bush has certainly expended a lot of energy.
To answer the question: I think it would take more energy to change your biases. Seeing the world as you always have done is the lazy option. The stereotypes remain unquestioned. Nudging oneself out of complacency can be very challenging. Anyway, I don't need to do that, as all my biases are obviously justified. zzzz zzzz zzzz
While I know your comment was in partial jest, Mike, it raises an interesting aspect of this topic which is internal inertia and the resistance to change.
Much less the anxiety connected with a change of this sort.
Junior is now using "tofu" as a swear word, or "tofu shells" for added emphasis. I don't know what tofu shells would be, but that makes a very good expletive.
Oops, I forgot to answer the question. Ummm...three?
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 117
For a while, every Wednesday will be one new Byte and one older Byte until we get them all in article format.
When I looked at that, I noticed that most problems I observed in others' relationships was when one was hell bent on changing the other.
cheers,gayle doing more chewing
Being the one who is different makes it easy to spot one's biases.
I'll chew on that one.
4. Lawn Bowling. a. a slight bulge or greater weight on one side of the ball or bowl.
b. the curved course made by such a ball when rolled.
Was this what you were referring to? ;)"
Exactly, Shannon. I refer to it as the Slippery Lane Tricky 6-10 Split Theory of Life.
( that's trademarked BTW).
Well said, Tanya. It takes a great deal of energy to maintain your biases.
An excellent example of this principle, Pat.
Thanks.
Biases never do, Gayle.
Bert, when you feel a need to "change" someone, that's a good indication a bias may be at work.
Anger is another signpost.
I fully understand the concern, LaRue, but as I read this common phrase I thought "Isn't this is a double oxymoron?"
Met all kinds of morons I didn't like, but never a double oxymoron.
LOL
If you mean by this site Thought~Bytes, all the articles (Nos 71-109 are there) and the early ones are being converted from just posted images — but you can view them by searching images for the tag "thoughtbytes" and they'll all pop right up.
I'm sure it is JoAnne but not quite sure I understand what you mean.
MORE coffee for me — NOW!
If you stop "playing," so do they. Sometimes they leave, sometimes they change in how they interact with you.
My favorite university professor began her first class by telling us what her biases were. She taught history and felt it was important to state her inclinations, as-it-were, so that we may better understand her perspective and approach to the subject matter. I greatly respected her for this.
Thanks.
And most Bytes need digestion time to get the full connection.
so even if you expend "energy" to try to get rid of bias, you can't. you can reduce it perhaps but it is more likely that you just end up obtaining a new bias.
This does not mean you can't alter certain biases, or drop them, and replace them with others. Look how often the American public shifts its biases, especially when coached by spin doctors.
Would be great if we could wear logos of our values and biases sewn onto our clothes.
Hmmm, that gave me an idea for a column ...
I'm surprised no has made the analogy to the Bush Administration, and how every senior staff member who decided to stop drinking the Koolaid and leave was vilified, essentially for displaying independent thought and no longer following the company bias. Mr. Bush has certainly expended a lot of energy.
Thanks for adding that depth to this discussion.
1) No one wins an argument; and
2) You cannot change anyone but yourself.
Hot flashes are very persuasive.
Thanks.
for metaphysics
Anyway, I don't need to do that, as all my biases are obviously justified. zzzz zzzz zzzz
Thanks for the illumination.
Much less the anxiety connected with a change of this sort.
Oops, I forgot to answer the question. Ummm...three?
And how they view it shouldn't effect how you act on it.
I love tofu as a swear word. It will replace lima beans, which is getting clichéd.
Tofu shells..., hmmm, I like the sound of that one Beaker.