"I can assure you there is no knob for this task."
(A tribute to the style of the late Robert Benchley.)
In today's fast-paced world, a modern man must be able to use the personal computer (or, if not use one, be able to look and talk as if he does). For those not reared in the Computer Age, the biggest problem (now would be a good time for your first martini) is that the personal computer has no knobs. It also has no knees, which, as is true with many facets of the computer, is irrelevant and also means nothing.
Don't worry; this is something any 10-year-old can do. Check your records and you will find you, too, were once ten.
The first step in taming a computer is to let it out of its box. This should be done standing on a rubber mat lest the wily devil decide to electronically probe its new environs, of which you are a part.
As electricity is the sum and substance of the computer, the second step is to let the computer know that you are in charge of the charge. This means you are in control of its food supply. To demonstrate your mastery, plug the computer cord into an electrical outlet — then quickly unplug it. Pause and have another martini. Repeat this step six times, particularly the martini part. This procedure has a dual purpose: the computer will accept that you are The Connector and your brain will be sufficiently lubricated for the next step.
Step three is to activate the computer. I have no idea how to do this. However, after extensive research I can assure you there is no knob for this task. Fortunately, your computer can instruct you in this operation as soon as you turn it on.
To turn on the computer, push every key on the keyboard, one by one, until the computer makes a whirring sound. Shortly thereafter, pictures that appear to have been drawn by third-graders will magically appear on your computer screen. The screen is a device that keeps flies and crawling insects from eating the computer's insides or depositing unmentionable organic matter that could short-circuit your electric bill.
That's all there is to it. You have now successfully subdued the wild computer. You can't use it until you buy lots of expensive software, but it is tame and won't electrocute you or anyone who can sue you.
There are several types of software programs required to turn your whirring pile of electronic circuits into an actual tool.
A word processing program will allow you to type letters on the keyboard and they will appear automatically on your computer screen. Now you can type a letter and invite your friends over to view your screen and be suitably impressed. If you are more ambitious, email software will allow you to send a letter so that it will, seconds later, magically appear on your friends computers, saving them a trip to your house.
The remaining software must is an Internet browser. This program allows you to access the rich trove of information available on the World Wide Web where you can stay up to the minute on breaking news and diligently study the source of all the clamor about too much pornography online.
Finally, you will need to learn some computer lingo. "Ram," "Bluetooth" and "megabyte" constitute a good starting vocabulary. Understanding the meaning of these terms is time-consuming and, therefore, not required. Speaking these words will demonstrate you are a card-carrying member of the computer literati, which means you know how to turn the pages of the manual that no longer comes with the modern computer. However, a manual can be purchased separately from a publisher whose titles all begin with the words, "The Missing Manual …" (True — for computers and software applications.)
The above terms can also be dropped casually in the midst of any major metropolitan area cocktail gathering.
An optional step for the overly ambitious is to use the computer to do actual work. For this you will need even more software programs, another pitcher of martinis and a 10-year-old. If you don't have one, rent one. They work for jellybeans.
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Comments: 190
You know what is sad is when the kids can do it and we can't
Apropos (a non-computer term) your second to last paragraph, dropping such terms into a metroploitan cocktail gathering is no guarantee of social success, unless said gathering is composed of geeks and nerds.
In which case it won't be martinis they're drinking but Coke Extra and high-caffeine Mountain Dew, and you still won't score 'cause any self-respecting woman will be at least a non-molestation order's distance away.
Trust me, I've been there. And the NMO is still in effect.
Just because I plugged in some cable thingy before I received permission from the "photo gods", my personal photos have been taken hostage. This will require reading the instructions, removing the software and installing it properly.
Isn't that asking a lot of me without my son close by? Where's my wine? I don't do martinis!
Or was that Peoria......the city, I mean, not the machine.
So you say that's one of the main purposes of our browsers, John? (I would pick up on that, wouldn't I? (;o) ) I used to program very simple programs in the Basic language on what was called a hobby computer. As painstaking as That could be, and was, some of this new stuff is, odd to say, More complicated. Thanks for the fun, John. (:OD
Gotta run!
Cool article John!
I think I'll stock up on jelly beans in case I need help with my next computer.
Now where are my jellybeans...
But all you really need is the desire to learn.....
What's that? What am I doing here, you ask? Hmmmm, good question....
I've been using computers since the early 80's. The TRS-80 from Radio Shack, the Zenith one's with the orange screens.
The first one I purchased was a Commodore 64 with 64K of memory! Ooooo! I hear we went to the Moon using a computer as capable as the C64.
Then came DOS and now the screens were a monochromatic green. I used these for many years until the advent of Windows. The displays for this operating system were very colorful but many times were simply blue (i.e. the famous Blue Screen of Death).
I am struggling away with a very old PC and things are very slow. And my nose hurts like hell. It would be a lot easier if they removed this straightjacket.
Cheers!
Now where DID I leave the computer....?
An advanced lesson would include learning to use an instant messenger and understanding its language. We are required to use IM at work and teaching one older employee what LOL, IMHO, BRB and OMG mean has been an adventure. Instead of asking on the IM what we mean, his head pops up over the cubie wall and he asks the room what the letters stand for.
Thanks.
(See ROTFLUTS
and Technological Disruption Syndrome)
Not for the kids, Renee.
However, I love where you ran with the idea and especially like the phrase "at least a non-molestation order's distance away"
Thanks.
J R, dumb by whose standards — yours or the computers?
And I suggest having en emergency medical team on call just in case.
Dale, I agree. This is clearly a conspiracy. I'm hoping it's an alien conspiracy. They are bound to be more humane than Corporate America.
I have noticed that today's computers won't run them unless there is an actual, live ten-year-old in the room at the time.
Just where might I purchase one of those and how painful is the installation?
Ah, Jo, the days before "system failure."
The only "system" that failed with the mechanical typewriter was the human.
(Drambuie on the rocks is a nice addition.)
(I would suggest escaping from there and getting a Mac as soon as possible.)
(what is a "dirty" martini? Lots of olives?)
(That is, have it actually do something useful.)
Thanks John - for the smile and the nice start to the week.
Thank you for posting to Make me laugh
*Remember show no fear.*
-Like animals and small children, electronic devices will figure out soon enough who's in charge.
Rest easy
And, three years from now they'll show you something else the DVD player can do.
If you ask them now you'll develop a rash.
It the 21st century version of the rusting '56 Buick in the front yard.
You're right, Christine but I'd like to point out that kids were the ones who got us into the computer age in the first place.
Thanks.
Those are a great series of books, Elaine. Also check out "The Missing Manual ..." for all software and hardware.