Proceed with Caution

Early December
Traveling is not just seeing the new;  it is also leaving behind. Not just opening doors;  also closing them, never to return.  But the place you have left forever is always there  for you to see, whenever you shut your eyes.

—Jan Myrdal

'Tis the season to be jolly, or so the familiar carol goes, yet I'm hardly feeling festive. I've gone to great pains to tell myself that it doesn't matter if the family is together for the holiday, but I find it still does. My mother's recuperation from surgery has prevented us from visiting either of our sons. She's out of the hospital and back in her house with help but not completely recovered. I couldn't possibly, in good conscience, leave her alone this Christmas.

The other day I unpacked a box of old Christmas books that we get out each year, and I began leafing through my favorite, Why the Chimes Rang. Although a picture book for children, it relays a message that I needed to hear—a story about two brothers who, while walking to church on Christmas Eve, come upon an elderly lady who has fallen in the snow. The older brother feels compelled to stay behind and comfort her, but he sends his brother on to the service with a pouch of coins they had saved, in hopes that their gift for the Christ child will make the chimes ring—something that hasn't happened for years.

Alas, when the boy arrives on the cathedral steps, the service is over and the chimes are silent. Nonetheless, the young boy makes his way to the altar, kneels down, and places his small offering next to grander ones of gold, jewels, precious works of art. Just as he does, the organ stops and everyone gathered inside listens intently to the unexpected sound—a gentle pealing at first, and then a larger, bolder ringing as the giant bells flood the cathedral in glorious melody. The chimes ring once again, all because of the unassuming but determined gift of two young boys.

I closed the book and knew where I belonged this Christmas. For all of its frivolity, decorations, sentimentality as well as good cheer, Christmas is a time of selflessness. My mother deserves our companionship this year—there will be other years with children and grandchildren. For now I must have faith that the packages have been shipped and our gifts will make the chimes ring in the hearts of our grandchildren.

I have to admit that part of me is relieved not to be taking a long flight in the busiest of seasons only to feel like a guest who has dropped in on someone else's holiday. We've spent myriad Christmases trying to fit into the kids' busy schedules by lugging expensive, thoughtful gifts across the country and orchestrating the making of gingerbread houses or the stringing of popcorn just to have an influence on the grandchildren's sense of the holiday. But, if truth be told, most of the time I feel as though I'm stretching far to make my mark. Other times, I feel as if I am at the center of a wild game of Twister, my feet and hands all planted in different circles. Besides, there is usually more tension than joy at our family get-togethers; this year will be peaceful at least. I'm doing just what the doctor ordered a few months back—having a self-imposed shutdown—forgoing any agenda in order to be still.

Still, I feel like Scrooge and want to bark "humbug" at everyone around me. I'm moved to decorate the house one minute and not be bothered the next. We did go to the lighting of the town Christmas tree, and I unpacked our homemade crèche, both of which made me miss the kids all the more. The one event I've refused to cancel is my wreath party—a gathering of friends who come together to sip wine as they create decorations for their front doors—a tradition I've created just for me.

More to come...

Excerpted from THE SECOND JOURNEY by JOAN ANDERSON. Copyright (c) 2008 JOAN ANDERSON.. All rights reserved. Published by VOICE, an imprint of Hyperion. Available wherever books are sold.

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The Second Journey: The Road Back to Yourself is the currently featured book in the Getting Better All The Time group. Written by Joan Anderson, it's a story about finding yourself and what's important in your life. To join the group and stay on top of all of the new articles and excerpts, click here.