Life With Buddy, a Continuing Saga 05/23/08, or: This Could be Mowing Heaven, but it Might Be Hell

Those of you that read our article on the Sagas yesterday may have noted that I mentioned that my new mower was being delivered that afternoon. Those words, innocent as they seem, cannot begin to portend the debacle that an informed reader might have been able to predict, had they known these words. Ol' dad, though a yard machinery "expert" of sorts, by now, after doing careful research both on and off line to determine what the best solution to my mowing needs was, determined that a "ZTR" or zero turn radius mower, to those of you that aren't newly educated yard equipage "experts" like ol' dad,  was just what he needed. Ol' dad forgot that he'd never even sat on a ZTR before, though, much less driven one...

   Those of you that have, probably know already what is coming. The learning curve can be both steep, and quite surprisingly, shockingly expensive. The first tip off that this may have been more complex than I was ever aware it could be, was when I noticed, while going through the checklist to start my heavenly mowing experiences for the first time, salvation almost in my grasp, angels looking down upon Buddy and I's innocent countenances, singing huzzahs,.... wait, I digress. Uh,....

   Where was I? Oh, I was inwardly shocked...It had a seat belt. I'm thinking, at the time, this might be an omen, but I shoved that unsettling thought down out of my mind and went on, blissfully unaware of what was to come. Still, what is a seat belt doing on a stupid lawn mower, you might ask? Don't. It's there for the same reason it's there everywhere they are found, it's a life saving device, that's what, but we'll get into that later. Right now, lets just go on through the basics. Next unsettling piece of information, it's got "ROPS". Again, you non experts, that means roll over protection system........huh? Mind you, I'd seen that big roll bar back there when I looked at them, but I thought it was probably just an OSHA mandated overkill thing that some committee of lawn mower safety standards guys might have mandated in a cover your butt maneuver of sterling tonnage magnitude..... or because, as I also thought, it looked really, really, sexy, apparently, especially to newly educated lawn mower "experts" like myself. It's not, it's there, good old boys that have installed millions of them onto pickup trucks for just such reasons not withstanding, as a life saving device. You can see where all this is headed, right?

   Well, all that weighing on my mind somewhat worryingly, I plowed through the long checklist/safety data sheet provided there, where they talk about such illuminating things as never mow anything over a fifteen percent grade (Do you know how gentle a grade that really is? That basically means my whole rancho is off limits.), stay away from the rims of canyons (someone has a soft spot for Wiley Coyote, on the manual writing staff, I think), don't drive it into a lake, etc. If you do, I assume it's a plus if you haven't put that seat belt on yet. All of these things were still pretty good things to know, I'll grant you, but then I came to the operating instructions, which I devoured with equal gusto and anticipation, my impatience hardly containable. All part of the joy that every other new "expert" and ZTR mower owner must also experience, till finally, it was just me and the machine, and we were set to tango, that taking two and all. Sorry, that wasn't intentional, I didn't even know where that scream was coming from, until I realized it was me screaming. I'll try to keep it together now, so I can finish this, though. I've got to tell someone......

   Did I mention I've never driven one of these before? It's altogether possible, after the late afternoon's experience, that that can still quite arguably be said. There's no steering wheel on this thing. Right off, with my keen deductive powers, I noticed that fact. Actually, that wasn't too scary to me, in itself. Let me state for the record that it uses basically the same steering theory as my little skid steer, where you steer by alternately applying power to one rear wheel, and/or applying brakage to the other, pivoting the machine to your selected new path, but theory is, in the end, all these two devices share. Where as my anemically powered skid steer reacts with sluggish obedience to any physically forced upon it input from my person, and takes you where you want to go, this beast reacts to any driver input by similarly taking you where you want to go, but you really should wave as you go by, because you're on your way somewhere much warmer, past go, and you don't get the two hundred dollars, well..... maybe in repair bills. To say the controls on this thing are touchy would be like saying the Eiffel Tower is French. My apologies to any French people out there reading for the association. As for any of you that design ZTR lawnmowers, I'd really, really like a word with you..... obvious freakin' maniacs!

   Still, at that point, I was far beyond optimistic, and more than ready to give this thing a whirl. That's pretty much most of what I remember, though, a blurred, whirling sensation, punctuated by loud snaps, a crack or two, and a few pops thrown in, (My apologies to Kellogg's) for good measure, somewhere, as I wreaked havoc upon my acreage in a record showing of destructive time and efficiency. The first experience that might have clued me in to what was to come, was when, with the careful lining up of the machine on a round, inanimate object (not wanting to risk debarking one of my trees), I attempted to try and mimic the oft cited ZTR function. When those guys say zero, you can believe them. It flawlessly executed a zero degree turn, which incidentally zeroed out the round, inanimate object, cutting it off to the unerringly accurate five inches that I had set the blade height at.

   There's precision to be had all over the place with this machine. It is precisely just as dangerous as the instructions said it was, for instance, believe me. Hmmm... Did I mention there was a teensy weensy little learning curve involved here? Still it does make short work of other incidental things,... grass, for instance. I was blissfully thankful, though, that that seat belt was keeping me firmly on the mower, and out of my own feckless path. There's that life saving function I talked about up there.

   Buddy was not so luckily blessed, and he was responsible for his own life saving functions, sans a seat belt. He sized up the situation, though, in typical Budster fashion, and even though he used to tirelessly follow me all over the place on my other mower, with this one, he retreated quickly to the safety of large steel objects and concrete that grace the three acre rancho driveway area, my yard art defunct vehicle managerie, and beyond all that, up onto concrete steppage to the house. Smart dog, that Buddy. He obviously didn't want to be known as old stubby tail, or something worse, and I sure can't blame him for that, considering.

   I've got to tell you though, this thing has power. Tim the Toolman Taylor would be suitably impressed. It mows deep wet grass with only an almost imperceptible lowering in tone of the motor. Something it doesn't even bother with, as you mow over such mundane fare as the aforementioned septic system lateral vent pipe, clothes line 4x4 postage, various and sundry fences, and an occasional cement block prop up for your incidental farm equipment conquests, out there in the weedage. Unfortunately, those were just for starters, and I have neither time, nor ego, for a complete listing of ruined mowed acreage objects, right now. Say, now that I think about it, I need to check on their design team, Tim may have had something to do with this.......

   I figure I made myself almost a months worth of work in less than two hours, here, but I've never, ever finished mowing that fast, so it's a good thing, right? Plus, I think I shall never have to buy another...mower, that is. I imagine all other things that are down on the ground, and even remotely possible recipients of it's mowing blades, may be entirely expendable from this moment on. This was, till I got the hang of it (sure I did), the proverbial bat controlled ride right out of hell.  Good thing with all that practice, I'm now an "expert" ....... Mommy, make the bad machine go away now, please? Buddy and I just want to live......


Link to updated Ron & Buddy materials. They're all in here, from the beginning, sagas, poems, etc. All about the Budster, in many varied and interesting reflections... or whatever they're calling rants, in polite circles, these days.

Link to all poetry by Ron W. on Gather

Link to new groupies site - Go here and join, for email notifications of new Saga publishoscity. Don't miss these important literary nuggets, or you'll end up like Buddy,.... denuggified without even knowing about it.......



PS- On this date, the Budster, unbeknownst to ol' dad who was fecklessly trying to kill himself on a dumb mower, turned three years old. Birthday to be celebrated at a later date.....