What Do You Think Makes A Perfect Marriage, Or Relationship????

I think the most important thing is to be able to talk to each other.
Money matter can cause many fights.

What Do You Think Makes A Perfect Mariage, Or Relationship????

I can not answer that. I have been through numerous relationships so I am not giving out any advice. Sorry.

Sorry to hear this. Maybe counseling would help.

I found having a best friend has helped my marriage. My husband doesn't want to hear stuff and neither does her husband so we talk to each other, alot. Her husband doesn't understand how we can talk so much. It is nice to have someone who will listen and not try to "fix" things. Men tend to think you are going to them to "fix" things!

I hope things get better. Oh and if it helps, statistics show money is the #1 thing couples fight about. I am lucky, we never fight about money.

Diane, - my husband and I have always had more tension from money matters than anything else. If I can offer some advice - pick a time when you are able to talk to him. Just tell him that maybe it would help if both of you put your expectations on paper, then trade them & read them, and then get together and talk about them. Don't leave this as 'maybe' tomorrow, or next week - pick specific times. Tell him the only way you're both going to get past this is working together to figure it out. If discussing it makes you both too angry, what might be happening is that neither of you is feeling heard. By writing the issues down on paper you might realize you're closer than you think. Tell him to be honest, and you be honest for budget ideas. If you're struggling, then what can you give up to help pay a bill? Are one of you a spender while the other is exceptionally thrifty? There has to be balance.

I do not think that there is such think as a perfect relationship. It is compromise. Sorry you hear that you are going through a difficult time.

hope this helps. I don't mean to be pushy. :-)

Diane I think Mary is right about making an appointment to discuss issues you have a hard time with. We have a hard time with money issues too, but our discussion has mellowed with age (thank goodness). Another thing is fighting fair. No swearing, calling names or throwing things in the other person's face. The statements you did this or that; or you always do this or that; are counterproductive. You need to set down rules for discussion. We don't fight very much anymore because we both have learned how to fight fair. There are times (very rare) when my Husband does say things that are mean and I just sit there and say you are being abusive, and that is all I say. You cannot feed into the whole fighting cycle. One of you must start to stop it. As far as just talking in general I can't help you there. I have the same problem alot of the time. It is hard, I am sorry.

I'm sorry, I hope you can work things out.

The only thing I can say is a pefect marriage for one couple is not a perfect one for another copuple. It depends on each individual couple to make a perfect marriage.

I am having difficulty with my husband as well. I knwo alot of it stress and money. i am hoping the move will be a change for the better.

I think everyone is feeling the pressure from the bad economy. We don't fight about money but we are both feeling scared, it's hard for men to express fear. Men tend to turn fear and frustration into anger, even if it has nothing to do with you I'm sure you feel it. I hope you two can ride it out and figure out where the real problem is. Good Luck, I'm on your side!

lol! I don't know if it makes a good marriage for others, but I can tell you what works for my hubby and me. He makes the money; I budget it. We've been doing this for 12 years now. My hubby still shakes his head when I go crazy looking for the errant penny from the bank statement to my account book.

The other night, watching CSINY I questioned the guy who admitted to having two wives. My thought, Didn't his 1st wife notice a drop in his paycheck? My hubby laughed, not too many women concern themselves with the household finances. True but it's how we've kept this house running on a single income. You have to know what is coming in and where it is going out.

oh honey ill pray for you both

Communication is the key.

I do want to go to counseling, he says for me to go! He won't! Like that would do any good!

yes, Honesty is very important.

Have you considered looking into Dave Ramsey. If you follow his plan there is nothing to fight about. You have a budget meeting every month with guidlines. Fighting over money can destroy a marriage very easly. Consider getting her books. The total money makeover and Dave Ramsey revisited. It is amazing how well it works and without anything to fight over

Thanks Deise, Never heard of him, will check it out though, I am ready to try anything

diane, my ex and i had gone to counseling many times during our relationship. i knew it was over when i suggested we start going back to counseling and he said no. he obviously wasn't willing to try anymore.

i am sorry to hear you are having problems. money usually is a hard one for couples to get past in a relationship. however if that is the only problem, when you do start to fight over it, take a moment to stop and think of the things you love about each other instead. it may be the very thing you need to start talking again.

I'm with Mary also. One of the things the counsellor we went to had us do is to write it all out, like Mary said. This is the stepping stone - gap bridge that can put a couple "back on the same page. He had a regular agenda, or recipie (chic talk.) See if he will go fo this.

A couple of his rules. You had to draw a line down the center of the paper, and only write "your side" on your side. He does the same thing. Then you both wait 24 hours, and trade notes (sounds like highschool?) Then you go off into your respective "safe spaces" and read all the way through your partners words. Then you read it again. THEN you comment back. Then wait another 24 hours, and pass them back to the originator.
THEN you wait 24 hours and come together at the kitchen table to discuss the items one at a time.
Sounds like litigation, doesn't it? Well, it can help you avoid litigation, if you both are committed to making your relationship work.
Other comments above are also good.
I liked walking. It is the best way to "get the mad out." Walk together in the evenings, and don't talk--or at least promise each other that you won't talk about anything-Money.
Find out, again--by walking--what you hooked up for in the first place.
If the walks aren't working together...you can each take your own walks, and then agree to meet afterwards for an ice cream sundae at the malt shoppe!

Take it back to highschool levels, and you can see that it's really the same game. Don't get caught up in the Venus/Mars thing. No flash talking, as mentioned above...no meanness. As soon as it turns mean, both or each, of you walk away.

Mean never wins. Even when it wins, it loses.

Blessings to you. Peaceful, wishful blessings to you.
Good luck.
Wilka

Trust/Respect..w/o that you got nuttin' to build on

$$ issues the #1 relationship killer..
you need a third party to referee the 'conversation' ie therapist..and maybe have a pro accountant check your books..or economist help come up with a budget..good luck!

so true! Thanks ,Sheila

I was going to make a smart-alec comment for a laugh until I actually read what you wrote.

That's a tough situation to be and there are no easy answers. The thing to remember though is not to stop trying. You got together for a reason - you have to try to find it again - together.

Honest communication is key.

Yes, I am trying my best, getting some Great feedback! Sad thing is times are getting harder, alot of your suugestions are GREAT, and cost no money!

By the way, this is the second time I married my husband, he was my first, and he is my true love, We have been together off and on since I was 14, I always seem to know what he is going to say.

I can't imagine why you posted this to a group run by the woman who wrote "Marriage is a Bad Habit", but
Thank you for posting to this group whose only purpose is to thank you for posting to this group, anyhow.

I don't think anyone has the answer to that question, but my husband and I have went through some rough spots. When we did we just made 2 rules 1)we had to fight fair, no threatening divorce and slamming each other to be mean 2)we had to set at least 30 minutes a day to each other to talk, no matter how tired we were. That meant without the T.V. or other distractions. I admit that it didn't work at first, but after a little time of holding those rules important, things got better and we started communicating more. We were able to talk about things more. (By the way finances is probably the number one reason I and every other couple fights) After we were able to talk about things easier, the intimacy came back as the communication for me is what felt intimate. Good luck and I will be thinking about you.

when i get there i'll let ya know! haha :)

I don't think there is such a thing as a PERFECT relationship or marriage. One of the things that I have learned about my marriage is that the more I try to lift my husband up and look towards the wonderful things about him the better I feel. We try to over look each others flaws and focus on the positive. We struggle from paycheck to paycheck, but we don't focus on those things. We focus on the fact that we have each other, that we have a home and food on the table, that we have two beautiful healthy children. My husband always says to me, "Honey, we may not have alot of money.......but we've got alot of love." He's very right about that. Take time to laugh with each other, enjoy each others company.......instead of worrying about all the things you haven't got. We always try to talk after we are over being angry. Nothing is ever solved by having heated arguments. I have learned that the hard way. We just wait until a quiet moment and try to talk to each other without judgement on the other person. I think the reason I try my best to enjoy the time I have with my husband, is because I never know when he will be gone. I hope it's 60 years from now, but you never can tell what each day will bring.

hubby and I talk every day yes we disagree with alot yeet we talk about money and both of us figure a way to work things out,, cummincation is the best way to do,, budget together and stick to it,, and work out any major problem you have to have happpy in life,, look at the positive in everything,, it helps

It helps to be friends first and always

No relationship or marriage is perfect at best some of us may have some pretty good moments. We need to focus on getting along as best we can and be happy when the good moments happen. I have known a few couples who appeared to have wonderful relationships and in most of those one or the other partner had some secret hidden from the other. Being honest and supportive of each goes a long way towards making things work.

Thanks , all True no relationship is perfect

I have been married 3 times, and as most of you know my last husband just died....and before his passing...he had left me, for another woman, the funny part is that he came back because she didn't understand him....but my point in saying this, I tryed very hard to make him a happy man...but I have learned I don't need a man to make me happy, I was trying so hard to be the prefect wife...and step mom...that I forgot about myself....So in all relationships, Talking openly about the problem, not yelling or belittling the other person may help....and Money is a big problem in most marriages, not just yours....

Thanks, Ellen

Been fortunate, married for 45 years now. Most marriages as many have said, break up because of communication and money issues. Often, because their never discussed ahead of time, usually during a heated argument, that one side has spent more then the other on something foolish, which leads to more arguments, that get no where in improving the relationship. If its not to late, may I suggest a "marriage encounter weekend", you can find out about one at your church. What would you say to your spouse if you knew that she or he, would be dying and only had a few weeks to live? All your arguments at that point, would be trival, and fade away. Mistakes are made on both sides of the fence, just be open, find it in both of your hearts, to say something positive about one another, everyday of your life, never be afraid to say I'm sorry. And simple as it may sound " I love you" goes along way. Too often now a days, the marriage vows are not taken seriously, causing a 50% rate of divorce in this country. On onother note, our son has made his first movie, that is going to have a powerful effect on decreasing the divorce rate in this country, feel free to watch it or you can get it from Netflix, its called "Jake's Closet". Continued success in your marriage.

Communication is key... but you have to be open to listening, as well as open to talking... AND both people have to be participating.

If talking live face to face is too hard, you could write down your thoughts. Pass them back and forth. My husband and I talk online to each other. If we're yelling, we use CAPS!!! And type really hard!!! With lots of punctuation!!! For Emphasis!!!!!!!

Also knowing when to let things go is important. Is this going to really matter? If not, let it go. Compromise.

Thanks Cory.

I'm with Lera on this one. Looks like a lot of great advice in the above comments!

HA! Maybe I should copy out this whole thread and see if I can put some of this advice to use. But that would mean getting into another relation and I think I like my life just the way it is. I'm on my own and free as a bird. I have my own money, come and go as I please, and have no one to answer to.

I suck at relationships, so i will not put in my two cents. Good luck, it seems you have gotten some good advice here.

Hi Diane,
To be honest Diane, I don't think that there is a "perfect marriage."
Men and women usually fight about three things:
1. Money
2. Sex
3. Children

You are not alone. This happens to many couples, but most are usually able to compromise or work through it in some way.

When you say that you cannot talk to your husband, does he get angry? Does he ignore you? It could be something with him, and perhaps he is taking it out on you. Men and women are so different in their way of thinking and expressing themselves.

Counseling is always best, talking you your pastor (if you have one) and your friends.

Don't give up. Maybe back off a bit and see what happens. I will pray for you. Remember, you have Gather friends, and we are always here for you!
God Bless

Commitment to God and prayer.
THE POINTS DEPOT

A willingness to grow and learn together, to listen without judging, and to hear before planning a response. And a willingness to see God in the other.

Thanks for posting to http://happinessunltd.gather.com/

Unconditional love. Nobody's perfect... No one's going to meet all you needs. You're not always going to agree.

I agree with mini. What is perfect to one may not be perfect to another. I think money causes alot of problems in relationships.

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I've seen a study that indicates the ability to self-delude is a prime ingredient for a good marriage. When you think he's the best whatever, it helps.

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