The PMSystem: Presents for Women (Humor)

This week’s topic is for all the young men who have recently entered into a serious relationship, meaning she has decided it is. Now you’ll need to buy her a Christmas present. Along with her birthday and your anniversary, Christmas is at the pinnacle of the Point Matrix System [PMS] on which you, and all men, are judged. The initials have various meanings for women. For men, in all cases, PMS stands for caution: "Proceed Most Slowly".

The problem men have whenever they hear the word “points” is they assume the person with the most points wins. This is why they spend money on flowers, candy, and having their t-shirt washed and ironed; they want to play.

But this PMS is not a game, it is an evaluation system, handed down from mother to girl-friend to wife. Men are born with a digital counter in the middle of their forehead that can be seen only by women, or through special glasses. Males all start life with 400 points from which deductions are made whenever they make a mistake. When a man falls into minus numbers, he spends the rest of his life trying to come from behind. He thinks this is possible because he’s seen Joe Montana do it so often.

In PMS, the man's goal is to stay in positive numbers long enough to win the lottery, have a movie star ask him to be her personal valet, or win the Nobel prize For Anything (BIG points!).

Where the sports analogy holds true is while this is not the man’s game to win, it is his to lose — which he will. The strategy with women's presents is not to go for the win. Go for the tie … and then accept defeat gracefully. Argue and you lose even more points.

Remember when your mother punished you if you argued with her? Different woman, same game.

Those of us who have had serious relationships know the pitfalls of buying presents for women-over-three-who-are-not-your-sister and have the scars to prove it. “Oh, that crescent-shaped one? That was the year I gave my wife a drill press. And when I suggested she might use it to make new buttonholes for her too-tight clothes, she gave me this squiggly scar here.”

I’m writing this as we approach Christmas, but the advice pertains to all female present occasions. There are 187 times a year when you can be legally punished for not bringing a present home. To underscore the seriousness of this, that is four more than the number of all religious holidays combined.

Others have written columns about not buying women any present that has utility, which you might personally use — say in your workshop, or which costs less than your weekly take-home pay. This eliminates electric irons, vacuum cleaners, drilling rigs, and anything labeled Harley-Davidson. One further admonishment: Regardless of what the ads say, you cannot buy an acceptable present for a women at a drugstore.

This column takes female present buying to the next level and covers the oft forgotten Present Peripheries, The Three Deadly Sins — Wrapping, Ribbons, and Cards.
Women expect their presents to be not only wrapped, but in paper suitable for later ironing and reuse; the reason for this is unknown but is probably genetic. An unwrapped present doesn't count. This is why lawnmowers are rejected as Mother's Day gifts. If you ask for an explanation, the answer is, always,  "If you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you", a statement you possibly have heard before. Cultural anthropologists having been trying to discover the meaning behind these words since biblical times when they were first uttered by a woman named Delilah.

Wrapped presents MUST be decorated with a ribbon AND a bow. Pre-made stick-on bows are acceptable, but you will get extra credit for a hand-tied one — not actually a credit, but a lower deduction.

Women also expect a card, a real card, not a tiny one with "TO: ____" and "FROM: ____" on it — one for which you paid folding money. There are two types of cards: humorous and sentimental. Stay away from humorous cards, which are a more dangerous minefield than anywhere along the Baghdad-Takrit highway. And, don’t worry about reading the insides.

Any card that starts "Happy [Name of Occasion] Sweetheart" will read fine inside. These writers are professionals, and also have the scars to prove it.

One last caveat about cards: NEVER buy one that mentions or alludes to age. No man has ever recovered from making a comment about a woman’s age, no matter how well-intentioned. Age is something a woman will only discuss with: her mother, because she already knows; her best friend, if she tells her age first; and her gynecologist, only because she has to.

OK, time to hit the malls. And, guys, be careful out there.

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  (Extra Credit: For those who want to know what happens when you fail to follow these rules: view “Beware of the Doghouse.”)