(Wearing my faux journalist's hat, I often run across news stories that are too good to be true. That's because they aren't. Here's one.)
In a fast-breaking news story this week, the Obama administration offered the Sausalito Art Festival (SAF) what was described as "a sizable bailout." The festival, in what may be the first hiccup in the Obama economic rescue effort, rejected the offer saying, "What would we do with it?"
Questioned as to why the Sausalito Art Festival would even be on the Obama radar, a White House spokesman said that as the leading outdoor art festival in the country, the SAF was "too popular to be allowed to fail." The same thinking was behind the strategy to give AIG the keys to Fort Knox in case it needed emergency funds over the weekend.
The SAF responded to the Treasury saying it didn't ask for, or need, any federal funds and was puzzled by the unexpected offer. A government spokesperson explained "off the record" that the economy is turning the corner on the recession. This leaves Treasury in the embarrassing position of having several hundred billion dollars of congressionally approved bailout funds and nowhere to put them.
When the festival pointed out that by not accepting the offer it would save the American taxpayers considerable money, a Treasury source explained the SAF didn't understand how the game is played. "If we don't spend all the money, the next time we go to Congress they'll give us less than we ask for. It is budget suicide to leave money on the table in Washington."
This conversation might have occurred:
SAF: While we appreciate the offer, what would we do with the money?
TREASURY: Hire more people, provide more jobs and help turn this economy around.
SAF: But no one works for the Art Festival. They're all volunteers.
TREASURY: That's just silly, maybe even un-American.
SAF: With all due respect, we just don't need the money.
TREASURY: It's that kind of attitude that is slowing our recession recovery. America is the Land of Spending. No one says no to free money here.
SAF: But we have no use for the money.
TREASURY: Use it to build something, a bridge from the East Bay directly to the Art Festival would take years and provide thousands of jobs.
SAF: For the sake of argument, say we took the money. What would it cost us?
TREASURY: We can negotiate a low interest rate and then we can loan you more money to pay the interest. It's the American way.
SAF: Interest. That's it?
TREASURY: That and a few covenants such as accounting transparency and not having any gala parties during the recession.
SAF: Don't think so. We like our galas and we've tussled with transparency before. We don't need that again.
TREASURY: What if we have Joe Biden personally collect the cash from the booths and safely deliver the funds to your bank?
SAF: Vice President Joe Biden?
TREASURY: Yes. You are in a 100 percent cash business. Nothing personal but cash is the devil's plaything.
SAF: We understand that but the vice president?
TREASURY: He's responsible for reporting to the American taxpayers where every dollar goes in the bailout programs. Besides, he has nothing else to do.
SAF: You could give Sausalito funds for sewers. We've got real problems there.
TREASURY: Sewers don't have the national visibility of the Art Festival. Besides, they're underground and smelly. Barack's image is transparency and fragrance. The PR guys just came up with our new slogan: " BO is smelling like a rose."
SAF: Thanks but no thanks.
TREASURY: You drive a hard bargain for an arty crowd. OK, we'll sweeten the deal with a new postage stamp honoring the festival.
SAF: A rose by any other name …
- - - - - - -
The Sausalito Art Festival is a three-day art and music (food and drink as well) party.
Over $4 million of art by 250+ artists will be sold and I personally, as Captain of Beer Booth #3, will pour more than 1,000 beers on Labor Day to the tunes of Jefferson Starship who will be playing right next to me.
Make your plans now and come join us.
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Comments: 73
Good one, John. I am so upset about this being cancelled. Too bad.
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add me ,
Nothing was cancelled, Carol. Just a little Sausalito satire.
Ha, ha. Your satires are as usual poignant and hitting.
Kitchen and sundial
Send me the money, I can use it!
Awww, N. Nancy, you beat me to it. Sharezies?!
If the government gives them a bailout like everyone else is getting...sure I'll share. I'm not THAT greedy.
John, This is some good use of humor to promote what sounds like my kind of event. If the Sausalito Festival people really have this attitude they're also my kind of folk. Thanks for the levity. (:oD
Oh this is FUNNY John, thank you!
Satire is the funniest when there are distinct elements of truth. This piece certainly qualifies! Excellent, John.
"BO is smelling like a rose."
LMAO! Enjoyed it, John.
thats funny
John, this is a good way to start Tuesday! By the way, I could use the SAF's bailout money if they care to donate!
Will Grace Slick be performiing with Jefferson Starship? If so, watch out because she has a reputation for being fiesty!
Clever illustration of the madness... but it's not funny to me, because it's all so true even if the situation you created to depict it is fictitious.
I've joined Larry in the frustration of knowing that the solution he's take over 35 years to refine and develop could turn the economy around and provide unprecedented growth and environmental responsibility among other things... while the people who argue hardest against what we suggest are those who would benefit from it the most!
Lydia, I will say that some of the government programs are excellent advertisements for the idea you and Larry are championing.
"add me"
Thanks, Tina, but you have to add yourself.
"Your satires are as usual poignant and hitting."
Thanks, Poddar. Poking fun at the government may have replaced baseball as the great American pastime.
"Send me the money, I can use it!"
Nurse Nancy, your name is on the list.
"If the Sausalito Festival people really have this attitude they're also my kind of folk."
They do have this attitude, Yvonne.
For example, they gave away the food booths to the non-profits in town. For many of those, this is their biggest fund-raising event of the year.
Profits at the end go to scholarships.
You're welcome, t b.
"Satire is the funniest when there are distinct elements of truth."
Agreed, John. I wish there was less of this truth in the government parts.
Thanks, Dana.
Glad you liked it, Tina.
"Will Grace Slick be performiing with Jefferson Starship? If so, watch out because she has a reputation for being fiesty! "
I don't know, K D. She lives in Mill Valley (the next own over) and she has made brief appearances in past festivals.
:o)
Funny John. Even as satire I have to admit that not many would say no to the offer of 'free money'. Good way to illustrate how it's happening in today's economy.
If I'm in the area, I'll be visiting #3. :-) Think that captain might have a really cold dark beer around?
Thanks, Deb.
Sia, there will be ferries from San Francisco that dock directly at the Art Festival Pier.
Re: dark beer. The beer we serve on tap (usually 3-4 types) depends on the supplier who makes us the best deal. So far, nothing has been inked, so I don't know.
I'd love to have some of that beer, maybe if your booth wasn't so close to the starship . . .
Nice job - esp the BO one - very funny!
Trust me, Richard. Starship and lager - sweet combination!
Entertaining piece, John. Darn those folks that keep bringing up practical stuff like sewers. Course, if it's shovel ready, Sausalito might be a contender. The art festival sounds like great fun. I'll probably be back East by then, but you never know.
LOL! ;-)
if it free , its for me, great one!
Ahhh, Yankee soldier, you tread on thin ice. There are those who will set out to get you for your sacriligious satire and snide sarcasm. Anyway, I want to experience the art festival and the wine and the beer and the burgers. I've got to get it on my calendar.
Rest easy
They didn't accept free money! Gasp! That's unAmerican. Te he!
"If we don't spend all the money, the next time we go to Congress they'll give us less than we ask for. It is budget suicide to leave money on the table in Washington."
Unfortunately, this is extremely true. When I worked in Washington, there was always panic spending at the end of the fiscal year to get rid of any surplus money because the budget would be cut the next year.
thanks!
Funny, but sadly true. Projects that need repair are probably being neglected in favor of work-producing, high-profile projects. In my area, there are many very poor people. The church's food pantry is in constant need of funds to feed 300+ families. Our township has been awarded a state grant to build a boardwalk along the lake shore road. No one in the community wants the boardwalk, but it's free money and will provide a few jobs. The hungry folks can fend for themselves or perhaps stand on the new boardwalk to catch fish for dinner. Makes me want to shake some sense into our esteemed governor.
Sounds like a lifetime of indebtedness to me.
nice essay with beautiful photos
10 4 u
Well as a journalist I will testify that this is indeed faux. Anyone who lives in Sausalito doesn't need a bailout of any sort. One doubts they would be offered anything in the real world, but it's telling about what the faux journalist thinks about the world, moreso than the government's actions or inactions. People have opinions, but they aren't all created equal.
But that's the American way, JoAnne. :) / (:
Thanks, Jeanette. It's a beautiful spot.
"People have opinions, but they aren't all created equal."
The people or the opinions, Mark? :)
"Darn those folks that keep bringing up practical stuff like sewers. Course, if it's shovel ready, Sausalito might be a contender."
We're definitely shovel ready, James.
Thanks, Ginger.
It's not free, Blaine but like $20 a day or $35 for 3 days of excellent art and music.
"Anyway, I want to experience the art festival and the wine and the beer and the burgers. I've got to get it on my calendar."
Well worth it, Bill. Pretty soon the music schedule will be up on the website.
The artists have already been chosen. 250 I think.
"They didn't accept free money!"
I know, Angela but remember, this is California.
"When I worked in Washington, there was always panic spending at the end of the fiscal year to get rid of any surplus money because the budget would be cut the next year"
Same thing is true in corporate America, Walker. Always spend the budget.
You're welcome, Chas.
"Makes me want to shake some sense into our esteemed governor."
If it's anything like our state, Jan, there is a line forming for that duty. :)
AH, that was fun - and like all the best fun, oddly thought-provoking too.
No amount of shaking will benefit Arnold in the receiving of common sense. In that he IS the Terminator.
That's my goal, Sheila — especially the oddly part.
It's hard to judge Arnold, Wanda, as he is surrounded by idiots on both sides in Sacramento.
Entertaining read John. I thought you funded Sausalito so you could claim a day job for a few days each year?
John gets sauced at Sausalito
John gets sauced at Sausalito
John gets sauced at Sausalito
And it goes right to his libido.......
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:+)
I think both is pretty evident these days, John.
I have a day job, Robert.
I do have a few beers, but not until the booth is closed.
Right you are, Mark. Thanks.
Sounds like an awesome way to spend the day John. If I detested traveling on holidays less I'd drive up.
Maybe the airlines will be having a price war by then, Vivian.
Between security, check in, and delays the drive would probably be shorter.
Not true? Boo hoo!
The festival's true, Joyce.
Just the bailout offer is faux.
sounds a bit like "we don't need your stinkin' bailout"!!
Good one! I thought of using a variation of that — somehow it was left on the editing room floor.
excellent, john...
Thanks, Chris. Welcome to Gather.
"If we don't spend all the money, the next time we go to Congress they'll give us less than we ask for. It is budget suicide to leave money on the table in Washington."
Soooo, you have that there too. My wife works for the Jamaican government. Her jobs includes being a member of a procurement committee. She hears almost the same words being sung to her; just substitute "the Ministry" (of Finance) for "Congress" for and "Your Agency" for "Washington".
She has been criticized many times for saving the taxpayers money by her haggling, dealing and great skill at negotiation.
I'm afraid it's a world-wide economic stupidity pandemic, Dennis.
(Not your wife, the other guys.)