I usually post my own writing, normally a stab at humor.
This is to mention an article not by me and not humorous but, I think, a "must read" for parents and grandparents.
It will explain how kids learn to lie and why they do it.
It will help you be a better model for your kids, remove some guilt from your shoulders (it's human nature) and place different guilt on them (they probably learned it from you).
I refer to an article by New York Times #1 Best Selling Author Po Bronson in New York Magazine: Learning to Lie.
I think you'll find it interesting.
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Comments: 114
"A child who is going to lie must recognize the truth, intellectually conceive of an alternate reality, and be able to convincingly sell that new reality to someone else. Therefore, lying demands both advanced cognitive development and social skills that honesty simply doesn't require. "It's a developmental milestone."
When I was very small, 5 or 6 I guess I told my mom a whopper. She and my brother were working in the back yard and I was piddling around in the house alone. I cut a chunk of hair from my bangs with little nail scissors from the medicine cabinet. Nobody'll notice right? When I went outside where my mom and brother were, my mom gasped and asked what happened to my hair. "Rick did it!" Ooh, did I get a whippin' for that one.
He was right, of course. I knew it then. He was a smart guy and a clear cut example that having a fifth grade education doesn't mean you're stupid.
(I hope so, because I always hated that, especially when said over a plate of cold lima beans.)
I found it interesting that the story of crying wolf was not as effective as the story about Washington cutting down the cherry tree. I'm told they don't tell that story much any more because it's a myth. :-)
William, if I had a nickel for every time I suggested that and that I would pay for the postage.
Whoops, I spoke to soon.
There was some foot-in-the-water testing but I think it helped them be more open with me once they knew I was serious about not criticizing them.
(I didn't say it was easy!)
Would we rather our children were social pariahs because they couldn't say "it's yummy" or "thank you" or "it's beautiful" when the situation called for it? Just wondering how that would affect our usual social intercouse.
I suspect kids aren't mature enough yet to understand the distinction (of course, I'm assuming we do). And therein lies the dilemma.
I know my "being a kid" experience did nothing for me in this regard.
I also let a LOT slide....sometimes the little ones need to think they've pulled the wool over your eyes. As they got older, I'd start a little trip down memory lane with "Do you remember the time........." and end with what I knew to be the truth. Never failed to illicit a jaw-drop and sheepish grin.
Don't feel guilty enough for not being a good parent? Here! Here's another reason - you LIAR! Oh, and if that's not bad enough you're teaching your kids to lie and that might turn them into sociopaths.
The sky is falling...........again!
But, hey ...
Sorry you got caught up in my rant. :-)
Play nicely, children and NO LYING.
The circle is unbroken.
The thing about tattling still confuses me. I never understood why it was a bad thing. I've talked to my kids about that when they were young, and we discussed how certain things NEED to be tattled on. Like if their friend was going to do something that would hurt them or someone else. Or start a fire. I was a social pariah for most of my life, and I know one aspect of that was if someone was doing something dangerous, I TOLD. Always. Maybe that was because if I was with another child who did something dangerous and I *didn't* tell, *I* was punished if the kid got hurt. Very confusing.
Even as an adult "tattling" is frowned on. But why?
my attention span is shrinking daily
Tattling is the "You protect me, I protect you," a group cohesiveness thing, like the policemen's blue wall. An accepted norm and, if you violate it, YOU are punished, not the person who did the bad thing.
But, I never lie...
(And I'm always right...)
My position is that while waiting for Jesus's redemption, the are some ways we can behave that are better than others, especially when children are involved.
However, behaving as a role model is time-consuming, tiring and tough.
Example: When my son was seven, we couldn't get him to help out. One rule: when finished dinner, take your plate and silverware to the sink for mom. Constantly told him to do that, etc.
Read one day that criticizing negative behavior actually reinforces it behaviorally and the best approach is to reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. (Something animal trainers have known for, what, centuries?)
Next night the girls finish dinner and take their plates to the sink. "Thanks girls, we really appreciate that." George runs outside to play ball.
Same thing next three nights. Praise for the girls, ignore George.
Fourth night, George takes, his plate to the sink. Lavish praise.
Fifth night, nothing.
In two weeks, George was better at remembering to take his plate to the sink than the girls.
AND, it was hard work for me, requiring constant attention, mostly to stifle the "YOU COME RIGHT BACK HERE, YOUNG MANs" that kept rising in my throat.
Even 'white lies' that we may tell our kids to save them from being heartbroken, can come back to bite ya in the butt. They learn to lie, even when they know you lied to save them some grief.
With my kids, I try to find time when we can do things together and often this is when we really talk. Once the conversational doors are open, they seem more open, particularly when it becomes clear I won't attack them for telling uncomfortable truths. But when something doesn't sound right, we need to call our kids on this and see if we can get them to level.
I don't care so much about Santa, but killing the Tooth Fairy was cruel. She really liked me.
Even if we asked the dog "Where's your ball?" a question that would USUALLY get him to run through the house and retrieve it, in hopes that we'd throw it for him, a game he loved (endlessly), he would NOT respond when he had the ball under that pillow. He was too involved in his game.
Was he pretending? Was he lying to us? I think that lying, in some forms, is a form of play. Humor is an example. It all gets kind of mixed up and complicated. The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, for example. There are those who defend both Bunny and Claus strongly and others who call it lying.
I dunno. I think that we all lie to ourselves and others and we all learn forgiveness as a result. At least, I hope so.
You are the first one to touch on lying to ourselves — another whole kettle of fish. I'd be interested in people's thoughts on that though probably a little late in this thread.
Anyway, I do think the good outweighs the bad if the good is there.