Are we really survivors?

You are very strong, Renee.

Strong woman rock!
and you lady
totally rock!

Yes, be strong....it will pay off!

Thank you all

I consider myself a person who lives life- not just a survivor.

Now that I think of it, I may have been a victim of being shaken. I have had severe migraines for 59 years. I may have been sexually abused before my memory came into function. I say this because I was not sexually right all through my teenage years, and the first time I got married, I had to go through all kinds of things before I could have intercourse. I probably have more stuff blocked because I cannot think of them than I thought I did. It is all because children have historically been treated as things instead of human beings. I am alive because God has a purpose for me. And Renee, He has a purpose for you and you are fulfilling it right now.

You made it through & are strong.

Perhaps you can chnage or add to the definition of survivor? Maybe: A person of resilience, that strives and gains strength no matter what adversities come there way.

It is up to you to define your experience. I think people like to use the word 'survivor' because it acknowledges what it takes to endure or 'survive.' I like that you embrace the word strong. You even give yourself the deserved credit that your abuse made you strong. I know many women who have survived abuse; yet few have had the strength to walk away and yell back, "It was abuse!" The longer you are strong, the more the smaller the rest of it becomes. You learn to quiet the fears, you learn to chose to feel something other than fear. You feel really pissed when something triggers a PTSD episode, but you start to recognize the triggers. And, you learn to embrace the person you are. You start to embrace the wonders of the world around you. It's never perfect, but it's in your hands now and those hands are capable.

These are lyrics from my favorite song that speaks to this strength: "I am an endangered species, but I speak no victim's song. I am a woman. I am an artist. And I know where my voice belongs." ---Diana Reeves.

Most abuse victims make a choice to continue as victims or to survive and flourish.
It probably takes more than one lifetime to truly forgive our abusers, but we try because we must. Carrying a grudge or nursing anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I think we need to forgive as best we can, leaving final forgiveness to God. Forgiving someone does not mean we need to continue to have contact with the abuser. Forgive them, but don't give them another chance to hurt you.
Your strength and mine were born from our struggle to survive abuse, Renee.
Abused people make a choice to continue the cycle of abuse or to break that cycle.
We have made the choice to break the cycle by preventing abuse and protecting victims whenever possible. That is our strength.

You are more than just surviving Renee, you are here, on Gather and in your life, helping others, other victims who may be suicidal, you are making a difference because you have such a burden to share.

Very well written and explained. I completely agree. You are a very strong woman.

Jan see that is one of my problems I have a real hard time. I have forgave my father because he admits he was bad and that he still does wrong. My uncle still don't admit he molested me. My mother continues the abuse to this day. For me to forgive my uncle and mother I feel they need to forgive themselves. I have so much anger for my mother it is hard for me to explain. I don't want to go into a lot here because I am going to bring this out in my story as the parts go. Forgiveness with them I am not ready for. I think we have to be ready before we can forgive.

I have ptsd and panic and yes I am considered a survivor also. I see it as different though, I would rather be considered a survivor then the alternative. As far as, are we better here then up there with the angels, yes! As for pain, we are not alone in that, there are people who live everyday with physical pain and yet are glad to have their lives. And, you are correct, you have to walk in the shoes to know PTSD and yes i know it, for perhaps not the exact same reason as you but no, it is not at all fun and I also know that trust is never truly attained. But, I am a survivor and I am proud to be one. Forgiveness is another issue, you have to be ready and sometimes you have to forgive yourself for the feelings you feel before forgiving the other. Then again, sometimes it is just not possible to forgive and so we move on.

Renee, you are a rock and you only get stronger each day. I know each day is a challenge but you have chosen to take that challenge to better yourself and help others.

Keep fighting the good fight. Know there are many out there that wish they were strong like you and for those others you are a light at the end of the tunnel

I, too, have suffered abuse at the hand of someone who claimed to love me... This was many, many years ago and, still, I have nightmares sometimes... I used to have them all the time but, as the years have gone by, they become fewer and fewer... but they never go away completely...

I think the same way,no matter what you do you still remember those awful days,but you just push on to make sure it does not happen again.

GOD BLESS YOU! You are YOU and a very marvelous human being. You keep on keeping on girl!

It is important that anyone who was abused as a child stand strong. If not, then the abuser(s) win. Those of us who have chosen to stand up and speak, and it is not an easy road to travel, bring forward a light which informs society and helps protect the children of today and of the future. Those who have never felt the monster of abuse have no idea how to watch for the signs are or how these daemons spin their web of destruction.

There will be no trophies or medals for those of us who survived. There will be no trophies or medals for those of us who have chosen to continue the fight against child abuse. But what there will be is a small shinning light, deep inside that lonely dark hole we carry inside our hearts. The fact that we cared for and helped others when there was no one there for us; shall be payment enough.

Roger you summed that up nicely. I will gladly help others and take that payment. I will gladly loose sleep, make people mad, whatever it takes. If you have never been abused you have no idea what we live through. If you are not a fighter against abuse you as well have no idea. I had made people mad in my fight I really don't care. You ask me how? Cause I speak the truth. People may have PTSD or depression as I do; however in less you have it because of abuse it isn't the same. I have no idea what a person who has been in war has went through. So how can I possible say I know what they go through? See what I am saying?

i stay depressed all the time and dont go out much you are doing alot and trying to save these children from going through life being abused i thank god for you knowing you are a strong person for what you went through

I was only married for two years...it took another 10 before I got back to what I felt was the person I was meant to be. Forgiveness? I don't think so. I wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire. What I have been able to do is make him not matter anymore. It took a long time, but I don't think about him AT ALL anymore. Abuse of a child is another story...a child's brain is still forming. Your hard-wiring was altered by your abusers.
God bless you and keep you....and bring you peace.

Rebecca I was domestically and abused as a child. Your brain may still be forming as a child but you don't forget. Some of us still don't forgive. James is 19 months old some will disagree with me but some of the things he experiences at this young age is because of what his mother did. I had a psychiatrist tell me he may be young but he remembers.

Would you rather be seen as a victim, then? Someone who everyone pities? I have survived alot, but that's not how I define myself although it is part of the reason I am the way I am--strong, independent, kind, funny. Most of these characteristics were inborn, but made more pronounced by the violence I've seen in my life. I think it has more to do with how you define yourself, rather than allowing it to define you.

Kim I really don't think you got what I was saying in this article.

Renee, I think that is what Rebecca was saying. That children have a harder time getting over this because they were in their formative years.
I know that I was at least thirty before I realized that some of my self-destructive behaviors were a result of what happened to me when I was three or four. I thought I had dealt with it pretty well, up until that point.

Here is how I look at it.

1. To remain alive or in existence.
I did remain alive because I am strong or stronger. You cannot out wit me nor win in any battle. You may beat me but I will survive. You may try to kill me, but I will survive. I am not a follower. I am a leader. I will take my 2 feet and I will lead my way away from you so that I can become stronger and learn about people that abuse other people. You will not beat me down mentally. I know what I am and who I am.

2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma
There will always be hardships and there will always be trauma. As long as you breathe you will experience these things. Hardships come in many, many forms. Trauma comes in many, many forms. What matters most is that you come through it!

3. To remain functional or usable:
I think I like this one the best. Functional - to carry on my life while I leave the abuser behind to lay in his or her own missery. I did that to my now ex-husband. He is reaping the seeds that he sowed. Usable - oh yes I am. I have learned a very valuable lesson and I am usable to myself because of it. I continue to explore MY world and find interesting facts about myself that I use to survive.

Yes - I was physically and mentally abused for many, many years. I found the strength within myself to remove myself from the situation and make a promise to myself. That promise is that "I will never, ever let anyone abuse me in any way".

I will survive because I am a survivor!

You are right in what you say. I agree with you. I am a victim and our 3 adopted boys are victims.
Each and every day that we live, laugh and love we only get stronger.

You are very strong and you help alot of people,God bless you.

well its hard for me to think that as young as 19 mths.old is going to really, really remember his abuse / unless he is told all about it as he grows up, or unless he was beaten really bad or some thing that was a big trama. then i might could see it. James looks healthy and fine now, I'm just not sure that I would make him remember certain things ( depending on what his abuse was ) But i wouldn't delibertly hide things from him either. I know some times things could be put in the past - if others would allow it to be. I wasn't molested or anything - but i did live with a mother of split personality and she delt with depression, mentalness, and trust me, this wasn't an easy thing for me to live with.
She could be so cold at times. I was her 4th child ( by the age of 21 ), she reminded me daily how much she didn't want me, she wouldn't even name me, my aunt did.
She deliberately made my life hell, and was proud of it.
I guess thats why i'm a firm believer in letting dead dogs lye.
I also can't help but think, that James shouldn't be reminded daily that he was abused the first year of his life. To me, now would be the time to put the past in the past.
God has given him a new life (another chance) and i would never remind him of what can't be changed.

my friend I was abused by my ex husband and ex boy friend so I understand what your went through and I don't just exsist I live and live I do but this part of my life I don't talk about that much anymore. have a good day

Renee you are turely a strong and Beautiful woman and a great roll moddel for james. your hubby and your boy are lucky to have such a wonderful woman by their side! May God bless you and keep you by his side. Your doing supper things for more children than you know. Keep your voice strong and Yell it out to whom ever will listen!

Regina I am not trying to be rude here but you need to read Baby James Story before you comment on if he will remember or not. Number two I don't go around and tell James about his abuse. Number three James still is not safe from his egg donor till her rights are terminated and he is adopted. Number four I am just telling you what a trained professional told me on this situation. I know what James remembers even with things happening to him at a few months old. I see how he reacts, this is not normal for a child to act as he does on some things at 19 months old. Children are returned to their abusers every day this is something I have tried to stress so many times. James has a temporary chance in less I get done what I have to get done.

Renee--as you may know I have suffered all my life with depression. In the last 6 years, recovering from 2 full breakdowns in 2000 and 2001--- I realized one night that it is everything I've ever been through in my life--not just the good times--that have worked together to make me who I am. And often I have wondered if I have known the pain so that I can sense it in others, and know a little bit of what to share with them. The smiles, the laughter; the horrors, the pain; the good the bad; the triumphs, the scars---they all form who we are. We have survived at great cost ---that does not make us whole. That does not make us heroes. It makes us care. You have my deepest respect--but I think by now, you know that. Lonnie Fowler

Hi Renee, I wasn't meaning to come across rude either, sorry if it seemed that way.
I really didn't mean to afend you in any way, you seem like a wonderful person.
I will go back and read the article again. I wasn't meaning that you do tell him, I was just saying how my mom told me over and over, and I wouldn't wish that on any one else. Maybe I shouldn't have typed so fast and worded it differently, again - I'm sorry if I affended you, that was not what I was trying to do.

I really like what Michelle said, 'Thriver'!

.

Always look forward, you can't change the past but you can change the future and look what you are doing you have made a difference.

You are a VERY strong woman!

Good article. You've created some excellent discussion!

One extra point I'd like to make: there is a difference between forgiveness and remembering. We will never forget the abuse done to us. To forgive is an action done by us consciously not to hold over a person's head, even in our thoughts, the thing that needs to be forgiven.

It was healing for me to acknowledge that my Mom is a sick woman, mentally. I see her now as a victim of her "hard wiring" and a person not really strong enough to recognize the illness inside her or to make amends. Seeing her as a sufferer helped me a long way to forgiving her. I will never forget...but I won't hold it over her head what she used to say and her coldness. Instead I learned from the experience and made certain not to repeat the same mistakes with my own children.

None of the above was meant as criticism. Just clarification. Forgiveness has nothing to do with our feelings.


Aesop for Today, February 4
Aesop for Today, February 5

God Bless you Renee.

I am a survivor of many hardships but nothing comparable to child abuse.
I think it is sad that the children are given back to their abusers. Renee you are a tough cookie and you are just what James needs! He will thrive with your love.
I hope James' donors rights are terminated and you can adopt that sweet little boy.

Thank you for your insights! I thank god that I never had to go through this trauma, and have a family that loves me. No matter what the age, no person ever deserves to be abused, and should not be discounted because they are too young.

Your strength is what allowed you to survive. You are winning! You are turning all that awful stuff into a marvelous good that is helping so many people. God bless you.

I understand what you mean. I ama survior as well. But don't like to called or labeled that way. I feel I am much stronger for going through what I have. I have4 days where I cry on end. I have a husband who doesn't help or care that I am in pain. But am I useful? Sure I am. I have good days as well as bad. Last night was a good night with my daughter.

In response to a couple of posts here: yes, kids DO rmember, even if their memories are not clearly formed. I know a little boy who was severely abused by his father as an infant; at 6 weeks of age, he was taken from the home with a broken femur, in addition to cuts all along his legs and arms that we think we caused by a razor or scalpel; he was immediately placed with a dear friend of mine who has extensive experience with special needs kids; this little guy is the same age as my baby, not quite two, and he IS traumatized. Even after almost two years with a stable, loving family, he has attachment issues, fear of strangers, waked up nightly screaming; when I hear people say that "They don't remember," I feel angry because the message is that it doesn't matter if it happened as an infant or young child. Bull crap. It matters no matter when it happened.

As for the whole survivor issue? Yes, I AM a survivor on all three levels. Not only have I begun to heal from atrocities too great to mention in a post here, but I am living a full, rivh life, and I have four children whom I love and teach daily that lessons don't have to be learned through violence and abuse. I don't think you are considering yourself a victim still by saying what you said; I think it is a matter of perception, and you define your own life and circumstances. We-those of us who have been abused-are still here and still strong and are working daily to change and heal and grow. Those are all God's purposes for us.

I have read a lot about forgiveness; we are supposed to forgive, not because it helps the abusers but because it help US. Forgiveness does not mean we continue to place ourselves in situtations where we have to tolerate or sanction continued abuse. I had a terribly abusive ex-husband (hm, my mom was married seven times, I wonder which one I was looking for when I chose him?), and while I have forgiven him (with therapy, a huge support network, a lot of personal prayer and internal work), I have made the choice to stay as far away from him as possible and to cease contact between him and our son. Not to be vindictive or mean, but to protect myself and my family.

We each just have to get up in the morning and make the decision to do things differently. Though there is no doubt that things we went through as children and even adults play a huge part in why we do/think/feel the way we do, we can either continue to use our past as an excuse for our behavior, or we can learn to do things differently. What that looks like is different for each one of us, and you are following the path set for you. And are doing a great job of it, too!

I am a survivor and so are you~

I see your point Renee, and I have never been big on labeling anyone by any simple name or indication of what is usually a much more complex matter, and certainly in the case of child abuse, so much more is below the surface in the victim... and most people don't come anywhere close in understanding the trauma. So I applaud you in your effort to help us better understand

Regina I as well am sorry if I misunderstood you. However the one thing that you said that really bothered me is that you think when a child is young they forget. It don't bother me that you said it keep that in mind. So many tell me day after day he was lucky he was so young. Maybe I need to do an article on this subject to help you and others understand. As said above by Kori these children may not remember as you or me. I will use just one situation here in less you put James in water with just a little water and you in with him he screams. I don't mean scream like some kids do when they are scared of water. I mean grab a hold of you and scream to be out. When water is in his face it is a scream not like a child who has this fear just normally. I am hoping to get a video camera soon when I do I have considered video taping this action along with more of his actions. I will guarantee some will find a few of his actions cute and even funny. I can guarantee some of them when you live with him and know the story isn't funny. Such as he will yell at you in his own voice. Now some may say this is a normal child who does these actions. However, when a child does it to the agree he does is not normal. I will tell you how bad this is. He was evaluated in the birth to three program. They are coming back to evaluate him again. Is it because he is behind? No in fact he is just slightly behind in a few areas nothing to be concerned. It is because of the way he acts.

Good article. You are a very strong person. I think the affects of abuse can be like the ocean, covering us one moment and then disappearing the next, and sometimes returning quite unexpectedly. But the interesting thing is, that even though there are undesirable behaviors or reactions that are borne of abuse, so are some of the strongest and best parts of our character.

Thank you, Renee! Sending a 10 your way!

Renee this is good. Even when people misunderstand each other it brings about a discussion. The push & pull of a discussion is what brings about knowledge & understanding. The more we know and the more people that know brings closer to a solution.

Please remain strong in the Lord our God and his son Jesus Christ and know he loves you and is watching over you.

Thank you for sharing this. I view it differently for my own personal situation. I like seeing myself as a survivor. I almost died from the abuse and my outside wounds have healed. I have not let the inner scars consume me. I have healed some. Yes there are still nightmares but I was cured of my ptsd and have moved forward and met and married a wonderful man and I am in a balanced and happy relationship so I consider myself still usable LOL. He didn't crush me. HE didn't make me believe I was worthless. I deserve love and happiness and I survived a terrible ordeal with a terrible person!!!! I still celebrate life everyday no matter what comes my way!

That is just my personal view. You are very strong and good for yoU!!!!!!!

All things work together for good. You're living proof.

I know exactly everything you are saying here Renee. I can definately relate.

I mean I understand.......

I like Beverley's definition of forgiveness, and Ruthe's of survival. Interesting conversation.

I wrote a small story about enduring, it is called " Can you Endure ?"
You seem to me like the kind of person who can get through whatever you set your mind to.

Renee, you're a real asset to Gather and the world.

Renee that was a written very well of couse you know my story.. For many of you who don't know Renee as well as others do please take the time to get to know her she is a wonderful person so full of knowlege.. Willing to go the extra mile for a friend heck even a stranger because she is a person who cares about the world and the children who live in it.. I am honored that I know Renee and to be able to work with her on a her fight to get the baby james law passed and the foundation up and running full force.. Renee has helped me with many of my problems.. I know I have a true friend in Renee and if you all contunie to get to know her you will too.. Child abuse is horrible no child should have to suffer at the hands of an adult. Nor should any adult suffer at the hands of another. I am forever scared by my childhood memories but with Renee's help I have been able to over come some of them..

Thank you Sarah I love you and always here for you

Good for you Renee. God will see you through! Amen!!!

You are a very strong woman and an asset to the Gather community.

surviving is not just about coming through something...it is about coming through it and being able to function normally...put it behind and go on.

not easy to do, i imagine

interesting perspective

You are strong and are working towards a better world through your foundation. You are helping others and expressing yourself on your website and on this site. I know you are a survivor.

Hello :o),

I just wanted to stop by since I am finally going through what is now listed as under 4,500 pieces of gather new mail that is sitting in my inbox on here.

With that mentioned I just came across either a mailing from you yourself, or someone else brought this piece to my attention. You or they felt that your creation should be shared with the gather community, which I am very glad that it was passed on to me to view. So I wanted to say Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to publish it here on gather for us to all view. :o)

As well before I leave you I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year... in 2009 :o)

Here's a 10 and a click towards your next cash-out.