Christmas Humor Part I: The manly art of wrapping presents

Today we’re going to talk about wrapping Christmas presents. If you’re of the male persuasion, this information will save you considerable frustration. If you’re female, give this column to a male from whom you expect a present and it will save you the embarrassment of finding your name under the Christmas tree on something that looks like a giant red and green spitball.

By age 2, every woman can wrap a present that looks like those found on the cover of Martha Stewart’s Best Holiday Secrets. Men (although they can assemble a weapon in the dark in 3.2 seconds that, when fired, can destroy an entire Smurf village) are incapable of covering a box with decorative paper in such a way that it does not resemble the crumpled first draft of an Erskine Caldwell novel.

The first thing to do before wrapping a present is to gather the necessary supplies. You’ll need:
* Four acres of Christmas paper, which should have an exterior side with snowflakes or Santa Clauses or happy elves tippling schnapps and a plain interior side in case you need to blow your nose.
* 12,000 yards of Scotch™ Tape. DO NOT use duct tape, which will drive a certain set of females (all) catatonic.
* A pair of children’s scissors with blunt ends. Trust me on this.
* One six-pack of cold beer per present.
* A handheld GPS (Global Positioning System) device.
* A wrapping table approximately the size of Wyoming.

Step 1: DRINK a beer while deciding which present to wrap first. Suggestion: start with a small item, like a book on How to Shrink a Fat Butt if, Say, by Chance, You Know Anyone With a Fat Butt.

Step 2: SPREAD the four acres of Christmas paper on your wrapping table, pick up the present, tape, scissors, GPS device and the remaining beers and head for the center of the table. IMPORTANT NOTE: Only drink two beers on the way to the Wrapping Location, saving two for the return trip and one for the Emergency Situation that is 99.97 percent likely to occur.

Step 3: PLACE the present in the middle of the paper, which you can accurately determine (a) by using the GPS device or (b) wherever you are when you finish the second beer.

Step 4: MAKE a pencil mark on the paper along one edge of the present. If you forgot to bring a pencil, return to the START point. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200 and do not forget to restock your beer.

Step 5: ROLL the present over four times and place a mark at the opposite edge of the present. Do the same end-to-end until you have marked the outline of the paper you’ll require. HINT: This shape should look similar to a flamingo in full flight.

Step 6: USE the scissors to cut out the marked shape.

Step 7: GENTLY grab one end of the paper and walk to the center of the present, securing the paper in place with 12 pieces of tape. Do the same for the other three corners. You should now be looking at something that resembles an Easter-parade hat from the 1960s.

Step 8: ATTACH the roll of tape to the wide side of the present, roll it around the present three times and seal. Do the same lengthwise.

Step 9: RUSH the present to the nearest department store (as you’ve been drinking, use a bike instead of a car) and beg them to finish the job. You’ll know they’ve done good work if they charge you at least 12 times the present’s cost.

NOTE TO BLEEDING HEARTS: No presents were harmed in researching this column.

An alternative to gift-wrapping is to place the unwrapped and unboxed present under the Christmas tree and tell her, “Assembly was required.”

“You assembled a bottle of cologne?”

“Yes,” and a straight face are your only defense should this question arise.

For extra credit: (a) look at any presentation under your tree wrapped by a woman; (b) look at your reflection in the bathroom mirror; (c) hit the top of your forehead with the heel of your hand while simultaneously saying, “Duh!”

Now, get another six-pack and get back to work.
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(This continues with Part II- A survivor’s manual to “some assembly required …”)