Birth of a Family - 4 - Update

Tomorrow, it will be three weeks since our daughter was arrested and her two boys brought to us to take care of.  You can find more details in my earlier posts, 1, 2, and 3.

Almost every day, something new happens.  Mostly, it's negative things, but sometimes it's good (relatively) things.

Thursday, our daughter found out she will be charged in federal court, rather than in county court where she was initially charged.  That meant everything that had gone before, public defender, hearings, pleas, everything, is out the window, and she begins anew in the federal process.  Ironically, her court-appointed public defender is the same attorney we tried to engage for her, but we couldn't afford his retainer ($5,000).  As he said, "You've got me for free, now."

She had been scheduled to go to a halfway house for drug rehab on Tuesday (last week).  The person who was supposed to "graduate" from the rehab, didn't, so there was no room for our daughter.  She had planned to go through drug rehab, then parenting classes, and anything else the county required of her to show in court that she is trying to turn around her life.  The rehab here is no longer available for her.

If convicted, she will be sentenced to a federal women's prison.  There are none in Wisconsin, so at that point we will have to make a decision as to whether or not we can and want to move to live near her location so her son can see her regularly.  She doesn't want him to forget her; she wants to forge a new life with him, and we want him to be comfortable with her when the time comes that she can live with him again.  So, that's for the future to decide.

Even though she is generally treated as guilty, she has not had a trial or been convicted of the meth crimes.  There is also a remote possibility of a suspended sentence.  We have been told this is unlikely in this case.

Sometime in the future, we will have to decide whether she is sincere in her desire to start a new life and take proper care of her remaining child.  Her oldest child, a daughter, just turned 18 and lives in Oklahoma.  The 9-year-old boy was yanked from our home by his father and taken to Texas last week.

It won't be easy to make that decision in the future if we have doubts about her sincerity, but we agree we have to act in the best interests of the child.  He will be 4 in August.

At first, we felt that the little boy had not had much upbringing.  All he did was have screaming tantrums that lasted up to 2 hours and shout, "No," to anything we asked or suggested.  We did learn to stop asking and say everything in the form of a positive.

I see now that he was just too stressed after being awoken from a nap and walked to our house by a police officer.  We had never seen him without his mother.  He barely knew us.  Plus, within two days, another daughter from Montana came to visit and help us with the boys, and our youngest daughter and her fiance came home from Ohio, also to help out.  And they were all a great help.

I think, however, that it must have been overwhelming for the child to have so many new adults hovering over him, ordering him, "helping" him eat, get dressed, and so on.  The only weapon he has is his voice, and he used it plenty. 

To add insult to injury, in his mind, Social Services required us to take both boys to a specialist at University Hospital in Madison for physicals, blood and urine analysis, and, for the 9-year-old, the invasive and embarrassing questions regarding physical and sexual abuse.  He was keenly aware of not wanting to say anything to hurt his mother, and the questioning was the most painful part of it for him. 

The boys had not been abused in either way, nor were they physically affected by any drugs.  And we have the $3,400 worth of bills for that morning to prove it. 

So, now, three weeks into the new family experiment, things are a lot calmer.  The little boy has asked for his brother a couple of times, but he is used to his brother going away for the summer to visit his dad, so seems accepting.  His own father is also in jail, but has spoken with him on the phone a couple of times. 

He has a nice bedroom of his own and has his Geo-Trax set up all over the floor.  When a tantrum or defiance erupts, he is sent to his room until he is calm.  Today, he worked himself into anger when asked to speak more quietly while my husband was on the phone.  He began the shrieking that marks his tantrums, but ran to his room voluntarily.  He stood there shrieking for a few minutes, then came back to the kitchen, all smiles.  Who could not smile back at that?

Wednesday, there is a hearing in Oklahoma on the older boy's custody.  Our daughter, of course, cannot be there to participate.  We don't have time to engage an attorney in Oklahoma, nor do we have the money to do so.  She was told she could participate by phone, but the jail staff will not allow it.  They say, have Social Services set it up.  Social Services says they don't do that.  Her federal public defender said he will look at her papers and see what he can do regarding the hearing.

On April 24, there is a hearing here for Social Services to take custody of the boy.  They swear it is not complete custody and that he will be allowed to remain with us, but we have been told several untruths or half-truths by various SS workers, so don't know what is going to happen.  Retainer for a family law attorney is $3,500-$5,000 and $300 an hour.  We can't afford that, so I guess what will be, will be.

It would be wonderful if, just for awhile, there would be no news, no changes, or new problems on any given day.  Just a few days more than the weekend to relax somewhat and just . . .  live.  That's what I'm asking for now.