Birth of a Family - 3 - The Family is Splintered Apart

Sometimes you wonder how much your heart can take. If you've read my two earlier posts about the major changes in our family, you know all of us have gone through quite a bit in just two weeks.

At two weeks and one day, another terrible thing happened. My husband, both grandsons, and I were all asleep (it is spring break from school), when I woke up at 7:30 with someone pounding on the front door.

My husband got up, threw on a robe and went to answer. It was two armed police officers (guns holstered, thankfully, but I'll talk about that a bit more later on). Our daughter's ex-husband, who is the father of the older grandson (age 9), had come to take him home with him. He came with a court order in hand.

We live in Wisconsin. Our ex-SIL lives in Texas. When he and our daughter were married, they lived in Oklahoma, and that's where they lived when they divorced and my daughter was granted full custody of their only son.

The XSIL went to court and applied for emergency temporary custody of his son. There was a quickie hearing, of which our daughter (the Respondent) was not notified, and the judge granted a seizure order for the boy. There is another hearing on April 9 to complete the issue. Our daughter is in jail, still waiting for action on her case, so, of course, cannot attend the hearing in Oklahoma. At this time, we are not financially able to attend the hearing over 1,000 miles away. In any case, grandparents have no standing when there are existing natural parents.

I understand the XSIL's right to his son. I have no issue with that, although the boy cried when my husband woke him up and told him what was happening and that he was leaving. His pinched and white face as he gathered up his things and said goodbye ripped another piece out of our hearts.

We tried to call as many lawyers as we could find to be sure the order was legal and that there was nothing to be done. No one would help us. Our local police department did verify that it was a legal court order. The officers were as pleasant as they could be under the circumstances.

Here are the reasons it is so awful:

The XSIL has not lived with his son since he was an infant. He was a drug user when the boy was born. Another of our daughters witnessed him screaming the F-word and other curses at the baby when he cried, punching holes in a wall in anger because the baby annoyed him, etc. He left the family and eventually ended up in a homeless shelter. He was evicted from the shelter for fighting in the street in front of the shelter.

On the surface, he seems to have turned his life around. He has worked for a plumbing supply company (he was a licensed plumber at one time) for about 5 years. Shortly after starting the job, he left Oklahoma where his son lived, and moved to Arkansas. In the ensuing one or two years, he didn't contact his son at all. Then he moved to a suburb of Dallas.

My daughter would call and tell him his son was asking for him, and could he at least phone him. He did phone occasionally, but frequently promised to phone or make a visit, only to let the boy down when nothing happened. One time, the boy was dressed and ready to go for a visit with his father, holding his suitcase long into the night, and his father never arrived.

When our daughter, her boyfriend, and the two grandsons (the younger of the two is the boyfriend's child) moved to Wisconsin in early 2005, the XSIL didn't communicate with his son for over a year. There were some promises of visits, but nothing ever happened. During that time, the XSIL's parents, who profess to love their grandson, called or wrote him occasionally but never visited. They are financially well-off and able to afford a visit, but never bothered.

When our daughter told the XSIL that his son said he was worried he'd never see or hear from his father again, the XSIL paid for round-trip flights to Texas and back for a summer visit.

Last summer, he did the same thing for a 6- to 7-week visit. When the grandson returned, he seemed happy and healthy and said he enjoyed the visit. His father lives with or is remarried to one of his earlier wives and their teenage daughter.

The XSIL has never raised a child from an infant, although he has fathered 5 children. One daughter, he signed away parental rights to so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Another boy and girl are adults now. He never supported them at all because their mother never asked for anything.

He owes a large amount of back child support for the daughter he lives with now. By reuniting with the girl's mother, she has allowed him not to pay the back amount.

He paid our daughter $175 a month support for his son. He is the manager of this plumbing supply place and drives a $40,000 pickup truck (it's a couple of years old), plays golf frequently, and takes expensive vacations.

Our daughter feels he took the boy so he wouldn't have to pay any more support, or possibly if the case were reviewed by our Social Services department, he would be assessed more support. I believe his parents, particularly his mother, really want their grandson back. I think they may end up raising him. That would be okay, since they seem to be fairly decent people, but they do hate our daughter (always have), so I can't imagine he will be raised hearing anything at all good about his mother. Our daughter never prevented them from talking or corresponding with the boy.

Here's what hurt/angered me the most. We only had a copy of the order demanding physical custody of the boy. It gave the police the right to break down or doors or do whatever necessary to gain access to our home.

Our daughter received the full packet of papers relating to the court action the next day. Here's what happened: The XSIL told the court that my husband told him we were going to take the boy and flee. An out and out lie! That's why the order was granted. It falls under an act designed to prevent parental kidnaping!

We are both in our mid-sixties. The idea of becoming fugitives with two small boys is just ludicrous, besides the fact that we are not lawbreakers, nor are we liars.

Both my youngest daughter and I were in the room when my husband informed the XSIL what had happened. Yes, INFORMED! No one had to call him, we just thought it was the right thing to do. When Social Services asked me about him, I told them I thought he was a decent person now and gave them his address and all his phone numbers, etc.

On that first phone call (he called several more times to talk to the boy and to us briefly), he asked if he should come up and get his son. My husband told him it wasn't necessary, that he was fine with us, and that Social Services wanted him to stay with his brother, at least until everyone knows what will happen to our daughter, and they wanted him to finish out the school year (less than 2 months to go).  Then, Social Services (and we) expected he would spend the summer in Texas with his dad, and more decisions about his future would be made.

From that, the XSIL told the court that my husband had made this ridiculous statement. And they believed him!

The XSIL arrived here with his father, who, I am sure, bankrolled the entire project. I am so angry, it has taken me three days to be able to write about this. We are not that kind of people. When the XSIL was with our daughter, we visited their home in Oklahoma, and they visited us in Wisconsin several times. One time he had the flu, and we took care of him, called the doctor for him, bought medicine for him, etc. He knows who and what we are.  When his mother was extremely hateful to our daughter (his wife at that time), he told her we had welcomed him like a new son and asked why she couldn't at least be civil to his wife.

It makes me ill to think what he is telling our grandson about us. The boy told my husband the day before that if he couldn't be with his mother, he wanted to live with us until he was a grown-up.

What is wrong with people that they can't care about children as human beings? Why would someone do this to their own child? For $175 a month? I can't believe that. I don't understand what kind of hatred or underhandedness would prompt a person to lie like that.

He promised the police he will have his son call weekly to talk to us and his half-brother. We all promised to write to our grandson, and gave him our addresses, etc. (he is very close to our youngest daughter and her fiancé). We have heard nothing yet, of course it's early days, but we don't know if we ever will again.

Our daughter is heartsick, of course. So are we. The 3-year-old just asks for his brother, same as he asks for his mommy and daddy. Life sucks sometimes. It just sucks.

And what example has the XSIL set for his 9-year-old son?  That it's okay to lie to get what you want.  That money can turn things your way?  I hope he's a better father than he is a man, because at this point, he doesn't look like much to me.