Part 1 is here.
Dr. David Faraday took a seat across from Mandy and Vanetta Hess. Blonde and handsome, he was the very picture of success that Medicorp loved to show parents-to-be. By his twenty-fifth birthday, he had finished medical school and had six years of experience working for Medicorp.
"Mandy, I understand you want a reset."
"Yes." The girl looked at the floor.
"Can you explain to me why?"
"Well, I─"
"Doctor," Vanetta interrupted her, "Mandy's made some, um, unfortunate choices."
"I see."
"You'll need to do an abortion with the reset."
"Well, actually, the reset usually causes a miscarriage, but I see," then turning to Mandy, "Is this what you want to do?"
Mandy looked up. "Well, I trust my mom. She says it won't be very much fun to be a mom in eighth grade, so I believe her."
Faraday was satisfied. "Mom, you're going to have to make arrangements to stay here for a few days, so Mandy can imprint on you after her procedure. It would be good if Dad could make it, too. I can schedule the procedure for Friday, so that you'll all have time to get to know one another again."
"But I thought the chip took care of all that."
"It's not a hundred-percent perfect. We find it works better to have the family close by for the first couple of days. Then you can go home while Mandy does her rehab work."
"Okay."
"Good, then. I'll have the nurse bring you some papers to sign and set the date for you. It was great to meet you, Mandy." He shook hands with mother and daughter and left.
The following Friday, Vanetta drove Mandy back to the Waco clinic where they had met with Dr. Faraday. After checking in, they took Mandy's suitcase to her dormitory room to unpack. The room was decorated in pink gingham.
"Ugh, I hate this room. It looks like it should be for a six-year old."
"It's just for a little while, until your reset's finished with."
"But that will take weeks. I have to live in pink hell until then."
"You watch your mouth, little girl."
"Mom, I'm not a little girl. I'm pregnant. I don't like this room. It's pink!"
Vanetta opened a magazine and prayed for the nurse to come soon. Mandy slammed her clothes into the dresser and threw herself on the bed.
A pleasant nurse came in and took Mandy's vital signs. She put a hospital gown and an oversized diaper on the bed beside her. "Now, sweetie, take off your clothes and put these on."
Mandy eyed the diaper and gown. "I'm not wearing those anywhere." Vanetta's raised eyebrow had no effect.
"Sweetie, you don't want to hurt yourself during your procedure, and you might have an accident. You wouldn't want to soil your clothes, would you?"
"I don't see why wearing my clothes would hurt me. At least I wouldn't have to look like a dork."
"The zipper on your jeans would get super hot and burn you. You wouldn't want that, would you?"
"But, God, a diaper?"
"Mandy, that's enough. It's bad enough we have to do this. Just put the stupid gown on and shut up."
Mandy regarded the clothing sourly, snatched them off the bed, and stomped into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
A short time after she emerged from the bathroom, a technician came and started an IV.
"We're going to run this wide open so you are good and hydrated. Let somebody know if you start to feel like you have to pee."
Twenty minutes later, Mandy pushed her IV stand to the nurses' station. "I have to pee."
The pleasant nurse smiled. "Good. Let's get you into bed." She picked up a syringe and walked Mandy back to her room. Mandy started for the bathroom door, but the nurse guided her gently to the bed.
"We need all that water inside you."
"But I have to pee!"
The nurse turned down the bed and helped Mandy into it. "It'll just be a minute." She used the syringe to inject the medicine into Mandy's IV. Mandy's eyes drooped and then closed. She was out.
Another nurse came and together they whisked Mandy, bed and all out of the room, leaving Vanetta alone. "She'll be gone about an hour."
© 2009 Claire DeCloux
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Comments: 14
I read it earlier but wanted to think about it.
I never read science fiction or paranormal and rarely read fantasy, for the same reason I will critizice what you have written.
I don't like fiction based on ideas, but fiction based on feelings.
I read some Harry Potter because the writing style is fascinating.
Science fiction is about an idea.
But even science fiction, or other fantasy genres must include feelings to make it seem interesting.
There was one story I enjoyed a lot, and you may be familiar with it. I believe it might have been written by Kurt Vonngetu (A writer I also did not like).
It was about a computer who fell in love with a girl.
My point is that this computer endeared the reader to it. We cared about the computer, and wept when it did not work out.
I read this story when I was 12 in the Scholastic reader.
What you have here could be very interesting, but you need to make it human. You need to make us care about the character. As it is, this is a sketch, not a story.
I think you also should write this under your real name. Your real voice shines through in all your other writings, even though they are non-fiction.
We need to know that the girl lives and breathes. You have made the 'reset' as the focus of the story, but really the girl is the focus. Start differently. Start with the girl and her life - what she is about, what she cares about and doesn't care about, make su FEEL for her and want her to be happy.
I would be delighted if you could also add your story to notgatheringdust.gather.com. Work of this quality is what my site is about and accepts. Please consider editing the groups to add my group. Thanks
I thought that it read like a manual instead of a story that would peak my interest.
You need less facts and more emotion.
From the beginning, I did sense that the mother is forcing this girl to do something that she doesn't really want to do. That this pregnancy is the reason for the reset.
If you are going to start from what's happening now, then flashback to the past, it could work.
Because we as the reader need to know why all this is happening. How did she truly come to this point in her life? Who's the baby's father? And, why would mom be so opposed to her having the baby? It must be something other than she's too young.
Maybe her mother is religious? Or she doesn't want her to repeat her own mistakes?
Something that draws the reader in and keeps them there.
Having said that, I can tell you that the first paragraph is a bit rough. It needs some editing. I will copy the original here:
Dr. David Faraday took a seat across from Mandy and Vanetta Hess. Blonde and handsome, he was the very picture of success that Medicorp loved to show parents-to-be. By his twenty-fifth birthday, he had finished medical school and had six years of experience working for Medicorp.
Here's how you might wish to rewrite it.
Dr. David Faraday sat across from Mandy and Vanetta Hess. (Who is thinking that David is handsome, is it Mandy or the mother? You have to have this set in your mind if you're going to describe him.)
Mandy thought that David seemed too handsome. That he encompassed the vision of success that Medicorp loved to show perspective parents. (By his twenty-fifth birthday he had finished medical school and had six years of experience working with Medicorp)
Now how does she now how old he is? And how much experience? Find a way to work this into the story before you go on. Maybe have the characters have a meeting where he introduces himself before you have the actual procedure done.
This way, you have a set up and the reader is not confused.
That's all the critique I have for now.
until your reset's finished with
Leave out “with.” Clumsy and ungrammatical.
I find this section far too short with far too many assumption forced on the reader. You have the doctor starting his medical career at the age of 19??? Yet Mandy is not similarly advanced for her age and, in fact, is rather typical for eighth grade. Too typical for character development. You have portrayed her as perfectly average. In fiction, it’s very dangerous to make your protagonist so banal and so predictable. Since she is already pregnant, you might consider have her sexually precocious and thus have her openly flirt with the young doctor. Or set up an implied contest for the doctor’s favor between Mandy and her mother. They are obviously not on the same page in many other ways, so why not spark the story a bit here?
Mom, I'm not a little girl. I'm pregnant. I don't like this room. It's pink!"
This is rather flat and a non sequitur. It also leaves hanging a chance to develop more of a sense of what kind of relationship this particular mother is going to have and has had with her daughter. So far we have Mandy disobedient, slutty, yet compliant when agreeing that she’s too young to have a baby. Find aspects of her character to develop, again, that make her something other than just another teenager. And you can also develop Mom more fully.
For example, after leaving the doctor’s office the first time, why not include a scene of what happened on the way home—what did they discuss and how? What was made of the fact that the miscarriage is automatic? What are Mandy’s hesitations about the reset—she acquiesced to Mom in the office, but has she no doubts at all? Does she not harbor feelings that , as was said at the school, she’s too young for a reset? Here would also be a good place to flesh out the details a bit: how many resets is a person allowed in Medicorp’s scheme? Can you reset any time you’ve screwed up? Do they know how long it will last? What are the side effects other than a miscarriage? How does it affect parents and friends? How widespread is the practice becoming? If everybody resets, who will have the institutional memory to run things? Some of these questions should be addressed early to convince the readers that this is more than a fantasy.
I feel both sections are too short and can bear expansion with various techniques, both expository and dialogue, that can add to the context that you’re trying to work in.
Good luck.
I am a Science Fiction fan from way back. I have read most of the best and some of the worst. Time travel, alternate history and universe are my favorites, but I can follow anything. Some people treat the genre with contempt. You will not catch me doing that.
Keep writing and as I said, rewrite after you are done with the first draft. I am hanging in because the story line and concept arer original and well told.
I see you have an "Alterante" identity on Gather. Do I know you? If I don't I would like to see some of the work Kathryn mentioned.