Is This How It's Supposed To Be?

Well, it's 2008.  I suppose that my first business of the day should be to say Happy New Year!  Hopefully, this will be a good year for each and every one of you Gatherites out there who happen to wander blindly onto my page. 

Well, it's 2008.  It's January.  I'm sure all of you reading this are saying to yourselves, "Yes, and you're point in telling us information we already know is?"  My point is merely that I need to lay out the current situation.  2008 seems to carry so much meaning for me in its 4 little digits.  And, well, January is always a happy time for me-it's the month that I get to celebrate my birthday, and, really, who doesn't like to celebrate their own birth.  It's one of the few times people celebrate your presence on earth.  However, this is one of the first years where I don't want a lot of fuss.  As a matter of fact, instead of staying in my blessed little college town known for it's boozing, I'm trekking 3 1/2 hours back home to enjoy my birthday in a quiet small celebration with my family and boyfriend.  I don't want anything big or exciting.  It seems like after 21...the excitement has died a bit. 

But what I'm writing about today deals particularly with my birthday along with what this year will be bringing for me.  Forgive me if this blog bores you, but mostly this is to help me get some overwhelming thoughts out of my head and onto something substantial, something I can look at and evaluate for myself.  This year I will be turning 22.  And as nice as it is to be turning 22, it will also be bringing with it some heavy responsibilities and duties.  For the past 21 years of my life, most of my finances and expenses have been covered by my parents and this is the year in which I embark into the "real world."  So I propose this question for you...is it bad that I know I am 22, that I am physically 22, but that I somehow still feel as if I am not quite there emotionally or spiritually or internally?  I'm not saying that I'm not a mature 22 year old, but what I am saying is that when I sit back and realize that I am, in fact, turning 22, I can't seem to comprehend it.  Where did all that time  go?  I feel as if I was just 18 yesterday and entering college or even 16, daydreaming about how great it would be to get out of high school.  It seems as if I have paused my internal parts while the external part has been aging.  And as I come to terms with that, in comes the real world to shake me even further.

You see, 2008 represents the year of my college graduation.  For all this time I kept saying how ready I was to get out and graduate, but now as I look at it...I'm desperately wishing something, anything would slow down so that my internal clock could fast forward a wee bit and catch up.  I find myself being bombarded with the reality of what will be occurring in the next 6 months.  Graduation is no longer a little figment that is far off in the distance, but instead it is a reality.  It is happening. 

As I begin to comprehend this, I also am dealing with the reality that life is constantly moving forward.  There is no pause button.  Joe and I finally figured that by this time next year we will probably be moving in together.  When I first heard it, I was thrilled out of my mind.  I have wanted to live with him, wake up next to him, sleep next to him for a while now.  I can remember just 2 months into our relationship talking about how one day we could move in together.  But I don't think I ever really thought about what can come with it.  What if it ruins our relationship?  What if we break up?  What if it ends in nothing good?  And as I write this...I realize that these questions are what have been freaking me out.  I know that it won't be bad, but there is that uncertainty and that is frightening.  I am frightened and scared of the future in this moment.  I think it's hard finally dealing with the reality that I am 22 and I am growing up.  There is no pause anymore...life is moving on. 

I'm graduating this year.  I'll be getting my own insurance, buying my own car, insuring my own car, trying to get a real job, soon moving out of my parents' home (which is like a safety blanket I'm realizing), buying furniture for our apartment, and quite possibly soon after that getting engaged and maybe married, not to mention paying numerous bills over that time and paying off my college loan.  So as I finally realize what is happening and what is freaking me out, I once again ask you forgive me for my idle ramblings.  All comments and advice are always appreciated.  It awes me that anyone would want to read my writings so thank you!