Toxic People

You know the ones I mean.  They can be friends or family--even partners, children, parents, anyone you might trust with your heart.  They are those who come in under our radar, against whom we are undefended.  Because we value them, what they say can hurt us.  They say it for our own good, of course.  They say it because they love us and they would rather hurt us themselves than to risk having us hurt by strangers.  Besides, once they knock us to our knees, pummel our self-esteem, encourage us to give up our dreams, they are there for us when nobody else is left.  See how great they are?

I've had a great many of such people in my life because I was raised by one and trained to seek them out.  I didn't feel safe unless I had my own resident person to rain on my parade.  It's only been the last ten years I've learned that we have enough natural rain in our lives.  If we want to realize our dreams we must rid our lives of toxic people.

Thanks to a very wise support group where I practiced for months, I finally became strong enough to speak up when my mother began to criticize my choice of clothing.  I remember it vividly.

"Don't wear that sweater any more," said my frail little mother.  "It shows your BIG REAR."

My heart began to pound.  There it was again.  I had to say something, do something.  But what?  She's 87 years old, she's dying of cancer, she'll never understand.  It will hurt her feelings.  I can't do that.

So what? I argued with myself.  She's hurt my feelings for fifty-seven years.  Now is the time to take care of myself. 

No, I can't be as mean to her as she has always been to me.  I know how it feels.  Besides, she's sick.  Dying.  But I knew I had to do something.  I remembered what I learned in group.  At least leave the room.

I stood up.   "I have to go, Mom.  See you tomorrow."

"But you just got here," she said, puzzled and disappointed.

"I know," I said, "but I'm tired, and I don't want to talk about your opinion of my clothes.  I just came to see how you are."  

I forced myself to kiss her cheek and go out the door.  I went on home that evening.  The feeling was freeing.  Nothing happened.  The sky didn't fall.  I had to do it a few more times before my mother got it.  I was happy to stay and visit as long as the topic wasn't what was wrong with me.  When that subject came up, I stood up, said goodbye pleasantly and went home.

My mother lived another two years.  Not only was I more happy but I think she was too.  We talked about a lot of other things we never had time for before, when she was attacking me and I was defending myself.  I learned a lot of family history from her and have been able to write down some of it for my children and grandchildren.

Recently, I've had several toxic friends in my life.  One at a time they came, I embraced them then began to see what they were about and reluctantly had to let them go.  I ask myself the following questions: do I like myself when I'm with them, do they bring out the best in me, do they help me thrive creatively, do my best work, be the best person I can be?  With most of my friends the answer is a resounding yes.  They teach me things, give me an opportunity to share with and serve them as well and we grow together. Good friendships need balance.

But toxic friends are the opposite, they magnify our flaws, make us more unsure of ourselves.  In the name of protecting us, they hold us back, tear us down, or pull us down.  Sometimes they project their own fears and shortcomings onto us.  I caught myself judging my partner harshly because of judgments a woman friend had insinuated into my mind about men in general.  I quickly realized she was not a good listening ear for me.  Gradually, we have drifted apart, that's turned out to be a good thing in my life and in my relationship with my partner.

            Recently I lost another person I had called a good friend.  I thought it was a very bad thing at first, but as time went on I found out how much better off I was.  Periodically, she would really dump on me.  Nothing was ever her fault, it was always the fault of whomever was handy.  I'm just the most recent in a long list of friends she has worn out and cast aside.  I realized that as long as the pattern never changes, the result will never change, no matter who is the most recent friend.  So I decided to feel grateful to be off that merry-go-round and on with my own life unscathed.  Others have not been so lucky.

I'm getting better about recognizing toxic patterns in people before I become enmeshed with them.  Lessons learned early are the hardest to unlearn but it can be done and the difference in our creativity is really worthwhile.  We must be self-protective because there is nobody else to take care of us in just that way.  It's our own responsibility, and accepting it has been wonderfully empowering for me.

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