I was in a public restroom the other day, doing what one does in such places, when I realized that civilization - even the fairly savage form of civilization that has existed since Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl - has officially ended. I didn't even see it coming. But I heard it, in the form of a woman chatting on her cell phone in the toilet stall next to mine.
The words "chatting" and "toilet stall" should never even appear in the same sentence together, much less be joined in unholy alliance in real life. But that's exactly what happened. And based on my extensive personal research, I've learned it is happening every day. That's why I think the fat lady is probably warming up her vocals and getting ready to sing. If it ain't over, it's got to be pretty darn close.
But let me backpedal to a couple of weeks ago when I was in the waiting room of an orthodontist's office. If you have a teenager who had the gall to be born with imperfect teeth, you know the waiting room of an orthodontist is like the anteroom of Solomon's legendary temple. You are supposed to sit there and purify yourself of all negative emotions (such as the desire to hold on to your money) before entering the holy of holies (the billing department) to happily sacrifice to the person who will straighten your child's teeth. This purification process requires silence. But silence is in short supply these days.
As I was bracing myself to receive the braces bill, my ears were assaulted by the cell phone conversation of the teenage girl across from me. She was sitting next to her evidently comatose mother and recounting to her listener in excruciating detail an earlier discussion with a soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.
Every word of this fascinating exchange was loudly relayed to her friend and then analyzed in-depth, along with the apparent involvement with said boyfriend of another girl who was referred to only as what I will call the B word.
Unable to focus on the task at hand, I started glaring at the teenage talker with my most severe schoolmarm expression. This had absolutely no effect. Then I turned the look on the mother, thinking surely she'd tell her daughter to get off the phone. Nothing. The girl just kept talking, even dropping the "F bomb" with disturbing frequency. Finally, I spoke to the mother in that sugary-sweet tone civilized people use with strangers they'd actually like to strangle.
"Do you think you could ask your daughter to lower her voice just a little?" I inquired ever so nicely. The woman had the nerve to glare back at me.
"She's just talking," she replied in disgust.
To borrow a favorite phrase of a friend of mine, Oy Vey.
Now fast forward to that bathroom stall. I was sitting there (no, don't actually visualize it, that would be sick) and suddenly, I heard a woman's voice very nearby say "Hi!"
Being a polite individual, I automatically responded, if a little hesitantly. "Hi."
"What are you doing?"
This is when I became uncomfortable. But, still a polite individual, I began to answer. "Uh...I'm..."
"I've got to go," she said more loudly to be heard over the sound of flushing. "Some idiot next to me thinks I'm talking to her."
Naturally, I stayed in my stall until I was sure the woman was gone. Then I went home and initiated the extensive personal research I mentioned earlier. I called a couple of friends and my mother, and I found out something similar had happened to each of them. That's when I realized that cell phones will probably be the end of civilization.
We've certainly come a long way, baby. Oy vey!
© Jackie Papandrew, All Rights Reserved
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Comments: 41
I was in a waiting room and a youngish man was having a loud cell conversation. An elderly lady leaned over toward him and said"Why don't you take that out into the hallway where you can have some privacy, son?" (and we can have quiet). He did and he apologized.
Gotta love those dignified elderly ladies. They have mastered the art of putting young'uns in their place.
Jackie, hanks for posting to Gather Writing Essentials: Humor Monday. This article has been included with it's link in Humor Monday Update.
I've given up being amazed at what people think is public information.
As for your orthodontic office escapade..... been there too! I work in my hubby's orthodontic office, and it got so bad that we had to hang a sign in the waiting room banning cellphone usage. It works, to a degree. Some of the teenage girls keep chatting on their cellphones when they are sitting in the examination chair!! My dh actually has to ask them to hang up so he can check their braces!
Amy B - I can't believe that moron would conduct business on the bowl!! Oy, and ICK!
I've seen some nasty things in public restrooms and I haven't perpetrated all of them. But I can tell you with assurance that it wasn't started by any of the Jacksons. After all the Romans had public restrooms, public in the sense that there were completely exposed sit-down toilets along the side of streets in the middle of town.
Don't worry, there is hope for us!
Needless to say she got out of there really fast lest "I" be sometime of nut.
Okay, the other one might have easily happened too, of course, but this line? "I've got to go," she said more loudly to be heard over the sound of flushing. "Some idiot next to me thinks I'm talking to her." Oy vey.
I totally agree that cell phones are one of those classic examples of where technology has outstripped the ability of society to adapt its rules to fit the new reality. So many of today's young adults, those who've grown up with cell phones as an everday feature of their lives rather than some kind of bizarre extract from a Dick Tracy comic, clearly have no clue as to what constitutes good manners or conversational grace. They move seemlessly from face-to-face exchanges to these very public telephone calls without so much as a "by your leave" or even an "excuse me while I take this call".
We need to convene a town hall meeting to hash out what is appropriate, and more importantly, what is definitely inappropriate when it comes to telephone manners. Then we need to have these rules engraved on every cell phone sold and drummed into the knowledge-resistant brains of our teens.
Then maybe we have a chance of keeping the barbarians from the gates for a little while longer. Maybe.
I guess there is yin and yang in everything.
I am hoping some day our currency will be solar cells, to de-centralize energy-production to a point where it will be less easily manipulated by corrupt politicians. Maybe I watched too much Star Trek as a young person.