Family planning: How to choose when or if to have another child?

I watched two brothers tussle in the exam room over some object of desire and thought a blog on siblings might be timely. For those of you who have siblings, you know the drill — you love them and hate them, sometimes simultaneously.

Twenty years ago there was a psychologist, Dr. Burton White, who promulgated the idea that the ideal spacing between children was three years, and he wrote a book to support his theory. Since then, there does not seem to be a unifying professional view on family spacing. Some would say that having at least three years between children gives parents time to focus on each child, reduces sibling rivalry, and allows the older sibling to lead the way. Busy professionals trying to combine work and parenting might argue for close spacing to maximize efficiency — one nanny or day care, hand me down clothes and equipment, one school to make carpooling less onerous, and parents can get in the ”child-rearing mode” for a more defined period of time.

However, the reality of family spacing can veer from theoretical or academic idealism. Today, women may wait to have their families. With increasing age, there are fewer years of fertility, and the ability to produce a child on demand diminishes. And, even with the best of compulsive family planning, accidents still happen, and unplanned pregnancies are quite common. Furthermore, the logic of compressing the child rearing years for busy professionals is a fallacy. Childrearing is a life-long commitment, and each age produces its own set of challenges. Sometimes teenagers are needier than infants in terms of parenting energy and time.

Many families today choose to have only one child. The reasons may be financial, social, or fertility based, but for whatever reason, we see many families with one child. With the many day care, play group, and preschool options available, only children can develop their social skills. Learning to share and discovering that the world does not revolve around them are important developmental milestones for all children.

We all have our own personal histories that may influence whether we want a large family or small one. Many parents reproduce their own family. That is, if you grew up with three siblings, you may be inclined to have four children. If you grew up in a large family, you may not be daunted by the logistics of a large brood. It can, of course, work the other way. If you felt neglected as part of a large family, you may choose a small one.

There is no right or wrong way to space your children or to decide on family size. (And sometimes due to fertility or other issues, the choice may not even be entirely yours.)  Siblings can end up being best friends, and in a geographically mobile world, it is nice to know you can call on a sibling with a shared history. But like all relationships, sibling dynamics can be dicey and take work.

What sibling issues have arisen in your own families? What do you think about family spacing?