When they're stressed, women release the hormone oxytocin, according to Dr. Laura Cousin Klein, Assistant Professor of Bio-behavioral Health at Penn State University. This hormone encourages them to "tend and befriend" rather than reacting as men do, by "fight or flight." It's simply written in women's genetic codes that they turn towards family and friends when they're under pressure. Finding community makes us feel more powerful. Connecting with friends re-sets our inner equilibrium.
How many times have you spent a chaotic weekend with your family when your home is a disaster zone, kids are fighting, and chores need to get done but are being ignored by everyone? It's about all you can do to gather up your brood and head over to a friend's for dinner. You've barely said a word to your spouse all day and your nerves are frayed.
But... as soon as you walk through the door of your friend's place, she gives you a hug and a glass of wine, the kids run off to play, you sit down, and ahhhhh..... you start to relax. Before you know it, you're laughing at yourself, and your friends are sharing their own war stories. Suddenly your husband looks human to you again, and you're back to being comfortable in your own skin.
And, once again, you ask yourself: where would I be without my friends?
For many of us, our husbands or partners provide incredible support that we feel we couldn't live without. But many mothers are divorced or single, and even those in steady relationships find they don't get the same sense of relief and camaraderie gabbing with their mates as they do with their girlfriends. It's just different!
Your own extended family is usually a natural ally, and for some it's the first place they turn. But often family members live far away, or carry complex emotional baggage that makes it hard to rely on them as you might rely on friends. If they're at different stages of their lives, they may not always be able to relate to your concerns. Ideally, we'd all take advantage of the insights our parents, in-laws and siblings could offer us, without being too sensitive to implied criticisms or different outlooks. But regardless of how we interact with family, it's our friends who help us navigate the waters of motherhood.
Excerpt from Mothers Need Time Outs, Too. McGraw-Hill 2008
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Comments: 6
Do you know what toxic friends are? They're the ones who bring you down instead of bringing you up. Do you have one, or more, of those? Hmmm. Might be time to say good-bye to them!
And ask yourself this: have you fallen into a rut with your friends? Do you reach out to the same old people time and time again because of convenience, and overlook that cool, new (lonely) person who would love to hear from you?
There's nothing more lonely than being a lonely mom. It makes you feel soooo isolated. Here's to finding happiness with your buddies!
Those kinds of days are few and far between, though. So what I'm doing is focusing on a nice evening I'm going to have tomorrow with a good old friend. We are celebrating her birthday. Just hanging out with friends is so relaxing. We don't have enough time for it!
I'd say a good rule of thumb is to make sure you've reached out to a friend-- voice to voice NOT e-mail -- at least once a month, if not more often. That way you can keep a connection with people you cherish even when you don't get to see them as often as you'd like.
Katrin
co-author, Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too