OK, truth is, we haven't solved every problem and we can't offer a cure-all. But, over a combined 35-years of parenting a total of ten children, the three of us have discovered that being a little selfish (and trying to let go of the guilt) has helped us enjoy the mothering trip a whole lot more. And our families are better off for it—it's a win-win situation!
Our search for the answers to the perplexing question of how to be great mothers and still have full, calm and satisfying lives independent of motherhood is what brought us together in the first place. We talked endlessly. We read loads of how-to books written by doctors, coaches, therapists and celebrities. But we got tired of being told what to do by people with all the best intentions, who often hadn't been in the trenches of motherhood themselves. Where were the stories from real women, warts and all? Well, they were few and far between. We yearned to hear solutions from regular moms out there, so we could make up our own minds about how to achieve a more genuine happiness. So we started talking to other moms too...
Tips From the Trenches
We started gathering real-life stories from the trenches of motherhood. Soon, we launched a blog and a newsletter, and started running focus groups far and wide to could get real solutions from the real experts. We dug deeper and deeper. We sent out global questionnaires and polls. We hung up flyers and took out newspaper ads, and talked to mothers in libraries, supermarkets, schools and hair salons from Ohio to California and from Maine to Montana.
What a mother lode we uncovered—we discovered that other women felt the same way we did: mothers across America, in Europe and Australia!
Here's something that surprised us at first: Whether it's a school teacher in Arizona, a lawyer in Texas or an artist in France, modern mothers are fighting the very same battles. We all want the best for our children and our families, and yet, too often, we lose ourselves along the way. Working mothers, stay-at-home mothers, young and old, organized and disorganized mothers, all share a sense of being suffocated by the desire for perfection… and just talking about it was enough to start making everyone feel better… much better...
Through the intimate stories of these women, we discovered something huge: Mothers need Time-Outs, too! Maybe they're cranky and just need a break; maybe they're happily going full steam ahead and just deserve a break. Often they're fried from trying so hard, and need to recharge their batteries in order to stay sane. Sometimes, they need to press the pause button so they can find themselves again. Bottom line is, Time-Outs are a good thing and being a little selfish isn't always bad.
Selfish Moms, now that's a beautiful irony! Here we'd been trying so hard to be selfless, and suddenly we were proponents of being more selfish... but what really struck us was how strongly mothers identified with our message. No one really wanted to be called selfish (even when we mean it tongue-in-cheek), but every mother understood she could use more Time-Outs in order to live a more balanced life.
The above is an introduction to the book Mothers Need Time-outs Too. To read more from the authors blog, click here.
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Mothers Need Time-outs Too is the new featured book in the McGraw-Hill Books Group. Learn about why it's okay and important to be a selfish mom. Share your stories. Offer advice. And read why it's important to be selfish!
To join the group, click here.
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Comments: 8
It seems to me that no matter whether a woman chooses to stay at home or work hard at her career, she will never escape scrutiny from herself or the people around her. I have been on both sides of the fence, and neither sider seem to offer much time for personal timeouts.
We hear you! Every time I read or hear one of these stories, I can't help nodding my head -- we so understand where you're coming from because we live it too, day in day out. What we've heard over the years in all our discussions, in person and on line, is that mothers feel really stretched thin. We are all trying so hard to do the best jobs we possibly can, but we are often totally worn out. What we started asking ourselves was this: does it really have to be this way? Don't we have choices? Can't we take back some control?
HOW? How can we enjoy the moment more and be fulfilled individuals while also being great moms--and for many of us, working outside the home as well?
Well, it may not be easy, but it IS doable. It's all about a shift in attitude. It's about valuing yourself, and making a commitment to your own health and happiness. You don't have to spend a lot of money or even have a lot of free time -- you just have to commit to taking your needs seriously.
You can start small, that's the great thing! Once you've tapped into what makes you tick (see our chapter on self awareness, for instance), then you work, bit by bit on making it a reality. You may think it's not possible, but we know from experience -- and from all the stories we gathered -- that it's not as hard as you think! Check out the book for tons of practical tips... I hope you'll immediately feel a sense of relief.
Selfish is bad, right? Not always. Really. Sounds crazy, but being a little selfish is actually good for everyone.
Katrin
co-author, Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too