Natalie Schultz paced back and forth outside the crime laboratory in the chilling hall. Technicians rushed by in both directions, hurrying to get someplace. The occasional agent would waltz in, disappear into an office or lab, and reappear with several sheets of paper before leaving through the double doors into the main lobby, where the metal detector was. You could never be safe these days. In Natalie's hands, however, were crime scene photos coupled with handwritten notes in Natalie's meticulous, tiny, block style handwriting.
She stared at the photo of the murder weapon, found about three blocks away from the scene. The rifle had sweat and blood on it as well as an unusual set of fingerprints, a rare find these days. Natalie frowned. That's what was troubling her. From the autopsy results and the surveillance camera work, it was obvious that the assassin was a well-trained professional. After all, so few could kill an American president and live to tell about it....Not that this guy would stay on the loose, Natalie reassured herself. But no professional assassin will leave fingerprints on their weapon, not unless they were trying to be caught, or to frame someone else. Frame someone else, Natalie thought. Hmm.
Just then, the door opened, and Kevin beckoned Natalie inside.
"Look, this is such a high profile case, we've been pressured and rushed and pressured and rushed--"
"And pressured and rushed?" Natalie guessed.
"But I took my time, and I have the results you wanted," Kevin smiled proudly.
"From what?" Natalie said. "From the DNA samples?"
"What else?" Kevin sat down at a utilitarian table with a file folder on top. He handed it to Natalie. The paper inside was still warm off the printer. "Look, what I did was compared the samples on your weapon with a couple of different databases. While I was doing that, I had my assistant check in with the fingerprint. You'll never believe what she found!"
"Tell me." Natalie leaned forward on the table, her bangs catching her glasses.
"Well after reviewing her work, I looked up some older cases to see if any had any physical evidence still in store."
"Older cases?"
"Yes, yes," Kevin replied impatiently, "and I happened upon the most amazing thing."
"Kevin. Now. Not tomorrow. I happen to know for a fact that this case is under the highest level of scrutiny, from, well, everyone, and you're not the only one being pressured and rushed for results."
"My assistant, she matched the fingerprint to several belonging to Treali Storm."
"Treali Storm?!" Natalie's jaw dropped. "You have got to be kidding me."
"Kidding you I am not. Did you not know that a complete set of Storm's fingerprints is on record?"
"Really? Where?"
"In 1972, Storm was arrested by a sheriff's deputy in Echo, Louisiana on suspicion of breaking and entering. She escaped from custody the next day after being completely unresponsive under questioning. A body was found in the house she was captured in. They thought she might have had something to do with it. Storm's identity as the house burglar was only verified a few weeks ago. The sheriff down there didn't think it was so funny, though. But anyways, they took her fingerprints, and well, they match with the ones on your weapon!"
"And the DNA?"
"Same perp!" Kevin seemed mighty proud of himself. Natalie felt like smacking him.
"Can you be sure?"
"Triple checked, baby."
"I'm not your baby."
"You know you want me."
"Cut it out Kevin. You're not funny," Natalie said. She flipped through the papers Kevin had given her. Essentially the same information, but in a more formal write up. "Thanks for the report, though."
"It's what I'm paid to do."
"Don't we know it?" Natalie said through gritted teeth. "Wait'll Casie hears about this. She's over in Washington D.C. interviewing some witnesses. As for me, well, I have the results from the search on the weapon. It was stolen from the military back in 2009, and a fencer in New York sold it to a Middle Eastern looking man with an Italian name."
"Terrorists?" Kevin asked absentmindedly, chewing a piece of gum obnoxiously.
"I doubt it. Treali Storm was never involved in that sort of thing."
"Gangs?"
"Probably not."
"Then what? Revenge?"
"Kevin will you shut up?! You'll have your answers when it hits the channel five news."
"Or before then."
"Yeah," Natalie begrudged him, "you'll probably get them before most of the public does. Unfortunately for the rest of us."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kevin complained, sounding offended, but Natalie was already walking out of the room.
"I'll call you later. I need to ask that fencer something else, now that I thought of it." The door slammed shut behind her.
"Huh," Kevin said to himself. "Well I better get back to work."
---***---***---***---
Natalie called Casie from inside her car as she drove back to the Hoover Building.
"Casie Schwartz?" the voice came, on speaker phone.
"It's me, Natalie. I have the DNA results. And the fingerprints."
"Who was it?"
"Treali Storm."
"No, really."
"Treali Storm," Natalie insisted, barely managing to stop at a red light. "Dang, that thing just turned green a moment ago!"
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Whose DNA is it?"
"Treali Storm's."
"Really?"
"She's been uniquely ID'd, Casie. Uniquely ID'd as the perfect fit."
"Huh," Casie mused. "Come to think of it, she'd be just the one for such a high-profile murder. She killed Cardinal Srgjam Doshi, remember?"
"And Senator Jordan Normandeau," Natalie added. "Could've been Pope and President in another year, if only they'd lived."
Casie said something else, but Natalie couldn't hear. "What?!" Motorists behind her were honking their horns. Two of them flipped her the bird. "I didn't do anything!!!" Natalie howled in frustration. Drivers these days.
She looked up. The light stared back, as green as jealousy. As green as...."Oh," Natalie muttered, and prepared to mash her foot on the gas when it turned yellow, then red. The honking increased. Two minutes later, she was cruising down that road.
"Sorry, Casie," Natalie said.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
"Aside from stopping at a green light, yes, I'm fine. As I was saying, Treali Storm is the one whose DNA is all over the weapon. But my question for you is, how did she get into this country?!"
"I don't know," Casie said. "Someone on the FBI Ten Most Wanted who also has an Interpol Red Notice on them really couldn't get through customs if you ask me."
"Aliases?"
"I don't think so."
"What if she never came into the country to begin with?!" Natalie started excitedly. "Oh, I have a theory you're going to love!"
Casie groaned.
"Okay, so the real assassin goes and meets Treali Storm and..."
To Be Continued With The Further Rewrites of Starless Sky The Messed Up But Getting There Novel I've Been Working On For Three Years
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Comments: 17
That said, your first paragraph is weak. I'd suggest combining the first and second paragraphs, and tightening the opening.
If you move the first sentence of the second paragraph, and join to the first sentence of the first paragraph, you'd get a better opening hook.
Something like this:
"Natalie Schultz paced back and forth outside the crime laboratory, staring at the photo of the murder weapon."
Then, reduce the descriptive lab bits down, and go straight into the crime details.
The rest is great though.