The past few months have been chaotic, and comforting, and depressing, and encouraging, and frightening, all at once. Feeling such a tumble of emotion has taken its toll on me. Something in my life has to give, but what? There are so many things in my life that demand attention, each in their own way, how do I decide what to focus on, and what to let slide? So let's explore the options: immediate family, extended family & friends, consulting, business, writing, and publishing.
Family, first. That's where it has to be. Our immediate family has been taking quite a bit of stress lately. This past July our middle son, Caleb, was diagnosed with leukemia. After 15 days in the hospital, he was released with an ongoing prescription for a targeted chemotherapy pill that seems to be doing the trick (ought to for $3000/month – thank goodness for Healthy Start!). He's in remission and seems, to all appearances, like a normal, healthy 7-year-old. Our life has returned to a semblance of normalcy, but the illness rears its ugly head in ways that force us to remember that this long-term illness isn't gone, even if we sometimes 'forget' it for a short time.
One such event occurred Thursday, when we took all five kids and went to Cleveland. We had to be at the cancer center by 8am. Caleb had to be sedated so a bone marrow sample could be collected, and the other four children, ranging in age from 13 to 3, were going to have blood samples drawn for donor matching, just in case it was ever necessary (hopefully not!). We thought that we'd be able to get the unpleasantness done in the morning, and take the kids to the Museum of Natural History for the afternoon. It didn't work out that way.
We spent over seven hours in waiting rooms, examining rooms, blood draws, sedation units, cafeteria, or wandering the halls of the hospital complex to waste time. The news, overall, was good. The oncologist said Caleb's blood counts look perfect. We'll learn more when the additional test results from the bone marrow and genotyping come back next week, but for now, we're satisfied. We finally left the hospital a little after 3 in the afternoon, which left insufficient time to go to the Museum, not to mention the fact that we were all starving. So we went to a little Italian restaurant and enjoyed a family meal together. It was enough.
Our extended family and friends are our greatest support, but also require time and attention. Friends of ours, with their four children, have been living in our house for the last four months. While it may have taken the government until recently to realize that the country is slipping into recession, it's been quite obvious in our little corner of Ohio for awhile, now. Our friends are slowly getting back on their feet, and it looks like they may be able to move out shortly. Good news.
My Mom and Dad are our biggest supporters. I don't know what we would do without them. They are now dealing with the financial burden of an ever-increasing insurance bill. Dad will soon be 70 and a half, and they are waiting to find out what his 'new' Medicare insurance is going to cost. They're already spending more than half of their fixed income on insurance, and know that it will be going up. They try to help however possible, but times are tough. My brother just moved back in with them, and my grandmother, while still quite self-sufficient, demands her share of attention. They have their hands full for a couple who should be enjoying their golden years. I should be helping more.
Consulting continues to demand more than its fair share of time, but then it does pay the bills. This is what I call my 'work' work, and it's what keeps us (mostly) afloat financially. It is now reporting time in my environmental management world. During a normal year I would be plenty busy. This year, with EPA scrutiny of the plastics industry, which includes a couple of my clients, there are added burdens and complications to the normal reporting that is required.
Add to that the fact that another client, a startup business in renewable energy, is now preparing to initiate operation of their first fuel cell. They are pushing for comprehensive training of all the new operators over the next six weeks, which means developing and delivering the training programs for the entire environmental, health and safety program. No small task.
Then there's the business. The little retail market my husband and I started last year had phenomenal growth this year. It required a lot of hard work, but we did it, and we're still standing, after over a year and a half of being in business. Impressive, considering the poor economy, and the other personal hurdles we've faced this year. It wouldn't have been possible if it weren't for the wonderful people we have around us. Our employees stepped up to the plate while we were in Cleveland and kept things going. Our vendors were very understanding, and helped however possible. Our family, friends and customers were incredibly supportive. Say what you will about small towns, but I love
Conneaut, Ohio. These are people that take care of each other, even when they're having trouble taking care of themselves.
Unfortunately, even with the growth, the business is still barely breaking even. We've decided to try staying open through the winter months, not wanting to lose the customer base we've built up this year, but however you cut it, January and February are going to be difficult. I know this isn't unusual for a startup retail business, but we really don't have the financial depth to deal with two years of losing money.
Thank God for our angel investor, if it weren't for him, I'm not sure what we would have done. We've still got a tough row to hoe, but we're hopeful that next year the business will be able to more than support itself, and we'll finally begin to dig out of the financial hole we're in.
Now if the IRS would just keep their pants on! Everyone wants their piece of the pie, even when the pie pan is licked clean. If the government really wants to help, it sure would be nice if they cut a break for the small startup businesses. We've been keeping up with the tax bills this year, but last year's sins have yet to be paid. All in good time.
That brings me to the writing. It started as something I did solely to maintain my sanity. I would write fanfiction in the hours after the kids went to bed. After writing my fourth fanfiction novel, I decided that it was time to try my hand at original fiction, something that I might someday actually be able to sell. It took about six months to finish the first draft, and another two months to finish editing before I had something I was 'happy' with.
Excited and naïve, I entered the truTV Search for the Next Great Crime Writer contest. It was a learning experience, and I'm glad I did it. I made some great contacts, and learned a lot. I'm now facing the next round of editing my manuscript. I've finished the first two chapters, and recently posted them on Gather. I'm just not sure I'm moving in the right direction with the editing. I'm unwilling to make substantive changes at this point, and have been pondering my genre dilemma. Unfortunately I am discovering that Gather is probably not the place to find the serious critiques of my work that I crave, and need, to make improvements. I am seeking alternatives, but it all takes an incredible amount of time.
Probably the most important, and disheartening thing I learned is that the writing is the easy part. Actually publishing is a hard, arduous, and time-consuming task that I'm not sure I'm cut out for. I am, by nature, a rather shy person, and the whole networking thing frightens me. I wasn't successful at it during the contest, and I know it will take incredible personal resolve to go further. I am finding it difficult to even connect in the online writing communities I've joined. It's frustrating me greatly.
So I think I may have to let the publishing dream slide for now. It's not that I don't want to publish my work, but at this point in time there are more important things that require my attention. I will continue to write. It is an absolute necessity where my sanity is concerned. But publishing is going to have to wait for a calmer, more focused time in my life. But just because I'm letting the dream slide, doesn't mean it's dead. I trust that when the time is right, that dream will rekindle, and the time will be ripe to realize it. Meanwhile, I will write when the spirit moves, and continue to learn the craft as time permits.
Thanks for 'listening.'
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Comments: 13
I am listed on the international marrow regisrty and if I am a match my name may just come up! If nothing else, because there is little another can do to ease the pain, know that I will listen.
My best to you and your family. In my thoughts and in my prayers.
I, too, started writing to save my sanity. Writing fiction was therapeutic for me, allowed me to enter another world for a while and flow with the moment. I was the one in control of who suffered, who suceeded, who lived or died. And, my writing brought me through the tough times in my life. I understand what writing must mean to you. When my children suffer, I suffer also.
Please keep on writing. You may be writing for yourself, but you have a gift that others can benefit from. Not only do you gift others with your critiques, but you write so well. Keep on. Keep on. I am happy to have connected with you during this experience. I, too, feel weird trying to make connections on-line. I'm a more in the face kind of person.
Anyway, the short and sweet of this message is to tell you that I care about what happens to you and your family, that I will be thinking of you and sending good vibrations and that I am greatful to you for what you had to give me. Take care. Joanne Clarey
And I will keep writing - for me it's become almost like eating or breathing. I'll also keep learning the craft. I'm just going to let up on the whole publishing thing. It's a little daunting in combination with everything else right now.
Thanks, again, for 'listening'!
Kenna
If you're not certain if you want to change anything else in your novel, leave it alone for now. Take what you've learned and start a new one. Perhaps by the time you finish that one, you will have a better idea of how to showcase your vision.
Each time I write a novel, I think it's the best it can be and set about writing another one. When I go back to the first one, I can see lots of weaknesses. My contest entry "More Deaths Than One" was the first, third, fifth, and seventh novel I wrote. It will probably also be my ninth.
Try not to let the publishing aspect take the fun and therapy out of writing. As you have no doubt learned, there are worse things than being an unpublished writer.
From what I've been told by people active in the industry, book publishing has changed tremendously in the last decade or two. Most of the changes have been negative from a writer's standpoint. First, cheap computers and laser printers have upped the number of manuscripts coming in to the point that publishers can't sift out the good ones anymore. Second, most of the publishers have been bought out by entertainment conglomerates with an emphasis on the short-term bottom line, which means that an author has to produce profitable results quickly or they don't get published again. No developing and nurturing authors with long-term potential. Third, publishers are increasingly dominated by marketing types who think that talent is unimportant and a little scary. The book market is becoming more like the music industry, with manufactured stars who just have to look good and not totally stink up the place and the marketing machine will take care of the rest. ***Sarcasm mode on*** That's worked really well for the music industry, now hasn't it? How much are sales down this year?***Sarcasm mode off ***
So, why do I want to be involved in an industry like that? Because I have some novels I really want to share, and that's the only way to reach a mass audience.
Good luck in all your pursuits.
I will keep your family in my prayers.