My Characters Complain About Me HERE and NOW

Each of these was addressed to the Dear Abby column:

TREALI STORM: Dear Abby, please help me. My author must be completely nuts. She forced me into becoming a mass murderer, and then forced me to raise a bratty child who *some* might label a hippie. Currently, I am cramped in an interrogation room where everyone is at least a foot and a half taller than me. HELP ME MAKE MY AUTHOR STOP THE TORTURE!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!  Trapped in an Interrogation Room

TALIA SOLIS: Dear Abby, I am a very angry very frustrated and very very very frightened character. My author seems to take sadistic pleasure out of throwing me into a burning/exploding/imploding? prison, a city in the Middle East being bombed, a courtroom where everyone hates me and wants me to die, in a building with a FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitive that the FBI Hostage Rescue Team and SWAT team are breaking into, and NOT TO *expletive* MENTION IN THE *expletive* MIDDLE OF THE *expletive* PACIFIC OCEAN!!!! Constantly in Not Fun Situations

NATALIE SCHULTZ: Dear Abby, my author is a bit psycho, don't you think? She made me a weirdo that nobody likes except my boss, and worse, she made me like her!!!! I need your help, Abby. Help me, Abby, you are my only hope. Help me, Abby, you are my only hope against a psychedelic author. Body Double

 SHARA LI: Dear Abby, please explain to me, in explicit detail, why my author constantly hurls me into random situations that I end up being seriously injured in. And why does she constantly have random people kidnap me?! I ask you, is this FAIR?!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!! Repeat Kidnap Victim

SHAN LI: Dear Abby, I feel like pizza. I like pizza. Pizza likes me. Maybe I want to marry pizza. My sister thinks I'm weird. So does the FBI. So does my author. She tells me it was a mistake to make me. Is that an insult or a compliment? Hey, there's a pizza parlour over there!!!! Drat, never mind. It was like closed or something. Can you help me get more pizza? Please contact me at pizzayum@mindless.com Pizza Addict