I will be honest here, this post is because of my anger towards a young lady here who wrote an article that just pushed my buttons. This is dealing with "real" child abuse, not the "my parents/grandparents were mean to me growing up" crap.
I am an abused child survivor. I do not mean I was spanked, or a slap across the face. I mean downright stuck in the hospital and visiting emergency room abuse. I grew up with black eyes, hair pulled out of my head, being kicked down stairs, slammed against walls, punched in the stomach and had belts across my face. And worse...
I ran away from home after my "bio" mother's boyfriend raped me at age 11. I lived in foster homes off and on till I was 16, after four months I was kicked out with the clothing on my back only. I did graduate from high school at 16 also, while living under a bridge, working as a waitress in an all night cafe and in between paychecks ate out of garbage cans.
In one of my foster homes I walked in to find my friend dead from her own hands. She was pregnant at 14 from her own father, I was also 14. After I moved out and was living under the bridge with a couple other people, I watched one of my friends get raped by gun point. There was also a gun pointed at my head. I didn't get raped because by luck an officer noticed something, and started to come down the hill. The men left, leaving us there to pick up the pieces of what just happened.
At 18 I had one year of college behind me, which I paid for working as a waitress, but married a man 10 years my senior...who was also an abuser. After he broke my ribs and my collarbone, I left him. I wasn't yet 20.
I held my child (I was pregnant when he beat me) till she passed away 15 minutes after giving birth.
I decided not to have a child of my own till I was ready emotionally. In fact, I was celibate for a few years after my first "marriage", so I had my son in my late twenties.
I stand up for all the children and teens who have been abused. I got to meet David Peltzer, author of Child Called It. While he was being abused a couple states away, the same thing was happening to me.
When I was growing up, abuse wasn't spoken about. It was kept in the family only. We were made to be ashamed of ourselves, and not everyone gets over it.
It took me many years. I honestly believe that is why I love horror and write horror. I can kill off those who have harmed me many years ago.
So do not come to me with your whining that mommy and daddy were mean to me, my grandma and grandpa are mean to me...and I still am leeching off these folks while I am whining how abusive they have been to me.
I do Not have a mother. She lives somewhere, she is alive. I know, I tried to make a relationship with her, and her abusive nature came right back again, but this time I stood up and told the old bitch that if she touched me she find herself in a hospital.
Is that disrespectful?
Yes, she is my mother. But she is my "bio", she was never a ma or a mom. She was the woman who gave birth to me...I do not like my mother, and will never forgive her for her last cruelity act.
So next time you want to whine about how mean it is at home and nobody understands me...remember there are real people out there who has lived in real abuse, and who has seen real abuse.
(and I didn't even touch mental abuse.)
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Comments: 36
Well F'ing said Nellie!
The issue isn't the abuse, but the lack of acknowledgement and tools to cope with and protect ourselves from it. Just because name-calling doesn't leave visible scars doesn't mean it didn't affect us.
You drive a nail through a piece of wood, then say"Oops, I didn't mean to put a nail there." so you pull it out. Okay, you removed the nail, but the hole it made is still there, and is difficult to repair.
I can't imagine the abuse you suffered, I'm so glad and proud that you rose above it. I'm sorry that it is a part of your past you can't erase. How do we break the cycle? How do we help people destined to end up in situations of abuse because that's how they were raised and that's what they know? How do we stop these people(even though they hated the abuse themselves) from abusing THEIR children? How do we help those who feel they can't live on with what's happened to them? How do we show them that there is life worth living without abuse, and without pain?
I'm so glad you wrote this article. I promise not to be a spoiled bitch and whine about my lacklustre upbringing!:)
Love and hugs,
Mandy
Your willingness to share your story has encouraged me to share some of mine and perhaps in poetry form. Thanks and good night.
I broke the cycle by waiting to have a child till I was emotionally ready. I am also a past abuser of myself. I was a cocaine junkie and borderline alcholic. I have been clean for over 20 years now and know my limit now if I want a drink or two.
I also use to be a cutter before cutting was known about, that started when I was five. I quit cutting when I was in my early 20's.
Something I learned from my own experiences and others is that an abuser will either abuse thier own children and keep the cycle going or abuse themselves as I did.
The emotional abuse is just as scarring as the beatings. I heard it all, from being told I was ugly to I should be dead.
I highly believe my bio is mentally disturbed...but she was never diagnosised as such.
You don't ever have to forgive your mother. Her behaviour was inexcusable. She never mothered you.
I would have honey.
Blessings.
Once upon a time I confronted the people who raised me with the things they did. What is considered abuse today they said wasn't abuse and they were only doing what they thought was right.
I won't talk about the physical and emotional abuse that the people who raised me did, I am not going ot mention it ever again, because they deny it ever happened......that's fine, however, I have to say right now things that they did to me will never be forgotten.
Mooch
Mooch
The young woman that caused you to write this article has a long, arduous journey ahead of her. I do not feel anger towards her, I just have no patience for people who refuse to help themselves, remain victims, play it like a drum and blame everybody else.
We all have our burdens in life, it's what we do to overcome the obstacles that matters in the end.
She's obviously immature and I have no doubt she's abusive.
Are you connected to Roger Kiser? authorrdk.gather.com He's written for Chicken Soup For The Soul, and was severely abused in a Jacksonville Florida Orphanage, as a boy in the 50s. His page is full of similar stories.
As for the things that people have gone through, while someone's pain may not be as bad as someone else's (I won't deny that many many many many many many many worse things could have happened to me growing up, and on the whole my childhood WASN'T BAD AT ALL!!!), people still feel a degree of pain in certain things that they went through, that could have been prevented.
Just like how I try to better women's rights here in North America, even though the women in the middle east who have to wear burkas suffer much worse, there is still some room for improvement here.
My hat goes off to people like you, and Roger. I read A Child Called It, and the sequel. Such eye-opening and sad books!!!!! I admire people like you, and David and Roger, who can grow up and really make something of what happened to you as children.
It surprises me, though, that as a person who was abused would belittle someone else who has been abused. Each of us are unique individuals, and sometimes a fragile person can be hurt emotionally by words that others would just ignore.
Emotional abuse is just as real as physical abuse, and not everyone knows how to escape or would choose to live under a bridge like you did. Many will stay in situations that are abusive, in fact, rather than face the unknown or homelessness.
To me, playing down something that is suppose to be horrid in her life shouldn't be haha'd about.
Your bones are my bones today~
I am glad you penned this. The poster of the original article is immature, with no inkling of how hateful she truly is. While some of her rantings may have basis in fact, I can't help but think she is writing for sympathy's sake, perhaps in an effort to gain sympathy of a generous Gatherer. It had happened before, and undoubetedly will again/
As for my laughing about the points. I'm sorry that I still try to look on the bright side of things even when I'm being attacked. What a horrible crime!
and being abused is not an award
That don't bother me personally, but to you being an abused child is awarding? Hmmmmm
I think we all could use them after reading this post and the one it was responding to. I for one, did not make a comment on the prior post simply because it is immature and personally I would have done what one Gatherite mentioned and that was type it in Word and then later decide if that particular vent was appropriate to share. If you share something such as that it will get responses and people will be upset. I would like to mention also that we are to respect our elders and to use someone for money is disgraceful.
Well, the way it works, Kimberli, is this:
If you want to write posts that are open to comments, and receive points, then you have to be open to their opinions and allow for discussion.
If you want to write posts, pour out your little heart for the world to read, but not allow responses, there's a neat little feature built into the Gather editor that you can use to disallow comments or restrict them to only those on your friends list. You can also only allow people on your friends list to read your posts, blocking the rest of Gather from viewing.
Or you can write your rants to yourself, and not allow anyone to read it. (keep them stored on Gather, privately)
Life is all about making the best choices, learning from our mistakes and taking responsibility.
hmmm....now you wonder how someone could take her seriously with that ping?
oh, shit... you and I have been thru the same things.... I know how you feel, I also, understand how angry it can cause you to be, when people have no idea how good they have had it... I understand you a lot better now, I know this is an old post, but just dropped in... YOu are a stronger woman for it, so am I, I just dont think I figured it out any earlier though, thought it was the "norm" and I didnt deserve anything different so, I married it too....big hugs to you!!!!! BIG, BIG HUGS!!!!!!