Last night Amara 
got to go to a ballet/tap class for the first time. One of her friends had "bring a friend night" at her school. It just happens to be the school I want Amara to go to, so I was happy to be able to check it out. I thought it was only a half-hour class until we got there, when I found out it lasted an hour. That was a surprise, considering the age group being taught. But Amara loved every second of it. She loved the clothes, she loved the dancing, she loved the tap...everything! She was a very good student, very well-behaved and attentive. I was so proud of her! I am hoping that she gets a gift of ballet class from family for her birthday. It definitely beats another toy! Zachary and Jonas came along and both were very good in the waiting room. Zachary had a playmate, Amara's friend's brother, so he wasn't bored (though I brought his homework- a book- just in case). Jonas had fun watching the girls dance. Of course I didn't take pictures. I'm such a bad mommy.
Zachary 
has been at a new school for the last month or so, though I am not entirely ready to dish that out (I have a lot to say about it). But yesterday a new girl arrived in his class (formerly all boys) and he just won't stop talking about her! It's *K* this and *K* that. "Mommy, she is my age but she is so tiny!" "Mommy, I don't know what she did to be here, but she was really shy and covered her face with her hair for half of the day. But she isn't shy anymore." "Mommy, she looks just like *C* (a little girl from his other school that has written love letters to Zachary since Kindergarten). Last night, someone asked him about his new school and he started talking about her again! He has completely run out of things to say about her, considering he only met her yesterday. I think my little boy has his first real crush. He has had girl friends before. His best friend in Kindergarten was a girl. All of the neighborhood kids used to joke that they were married and stuff. It was cute. But he never went on and on about her.
Jonas 
is talking and being his cute little self. He says a lot more now. "hi", "bah bah" (bye) and he waves. He says "ball", "up", "mama", "pop" (we pretend to pop bubbles, which he learned from Dora), "puh" (pee- he is very interested in what is going on down there). He is saying some more but I can barely keep up with all that he is learning now. He loves to dance, give kisses and fight. He absolutely loves playing outside and he will even get his own coat and shoes and try to put them on. He is so affectionate with animals. He is this little tiny fellow trying to be a big kid like his brother and sister. He is a little difficult for me because Amara was doing what he is doing now when she was 10 months old. He is almost 16 months old. Sometimes it makes me feel like he is younger than he is, while he also seems older because he is trying so hard to keep up with the other two.
As for me, well I wish that I could go to the doctor and get help. My mind is everywhere. I can't focus, I can't concentrate and I can't get anything done. I don't think I am really depressed anymore, at least not like I was before. It's still there a little. I am dealing with some bad anxiety. I am so overwhelmed and I can't help myself anymore. Mostly it is just the fact that I can't do anything. I repeat to myself that I need to do something but I just can't do it. My house is a wreck because of this. Nothing I tell myself makes me able to do any of it. I don't have insurance and last time I tried to renew MA they said I made too much money (I made less than $2000 the whole year. Three zeros. Less than two thousand dollars. Guess only the pregnant people are important to them. I don't work at all now so there is no way I could pay for insurance. It is the most frustrating thing ever. Jason and I are not married, and even if we were, he is unemployed (that is another stress- it's done this month and no job in sight) so he isn't insured anymore either. How do we get out of this awful cycle?
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Comments: 19
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You almost sound like you're going back and forth between depression and mania ... that manic stuff is almost more dangerous than being depressed because you can apparently talk yourself into just about anything as being a good idea. I'm no doctor, of course, and I don't really know you that well, just what you're describing makes me wonder.
As for getting things done ... do you feed your children? Bathe them? Wash their clothes? They didn't look bad in the photos. If you're taking care of your children, you ARE doing something. Maybe not all that you could do if you felt better, but you are accomplishing things.
I've suffered from severe depression my entire life. It's only been in the last 10 years that I've been even slightly stable (and that's subject to change without notice). I found a few coping mechanisms that helped me ... make a list, cross off what's done, read over what you HAVE done and praise yourself for it. Take one issue at a time. Make plans and just do them. No matter how wretched you're feeling or how fuzzy your brain is, just get up and do the next thing on the list. Give yourself short breaks frequently (I tended to work until I was beyond exhausted then not be able to move for 3 days). Doing things isn't supposed to be a punishment. Set up a reward system for yourself ... "If I do this, then I can do that for 30 minutes". Feed yourself properly. Get enough sleep. Keep yourself clean. (sounds stupid, but sometimes these are really hard to do)
Focus your mind down to one thing at a time. If other thoughts intrude, push them out and say "I'm doing this right now" ...
These are things that got me through raising four children with terrible depression. Spend time out in the sunlight (not necessarily IN the sun but out in the light) when you can. That helps a little.
You sound like you're functioning... Now you just have to find that help you need.
I've wondered what could be wrong with me. Bi-polar doesn't cross my mind because I am never in a real mania. Jason's dad is bi-polar so I feel a little comfortable in thinking that I am not. The depression I have. And maybe ADHD type 1 (the attention, not the hyperness or impulsivity) or anxiety. I read WAY too much about it all!!
I'm definitely accomplishing things, but really just the bare minimum in many cases. I do my best with my kids, and I have quirks for myself (obsessions) like not being able to go a day without showering. The kids help me- I tell them that if it is a nice day and they want to go for a walk not to stop bugging me until I give in and go. I always feel better when I do it, it's getting there that is ALL of the battle!
"Focus your mind down to one thing at a time. If other thoughts intrude, push them out and say "I'm doing this right now" This is something I am starting right now!
Thanks for all your words Barb!
We are going there for Easter so I can start planning!
Maybe I will be eligible for health insurance now. But calling the unemployment number...UGH! It takes 1-5 hours to get through to request income verification.
I am actually a member of NAMI (or two As?) National Association (?) or Mental Illness or something like that, because of my dad being schizophrenic so they might have some information for me.