Borrowing Trouble

We have a few days left until Tuesday.  K is regularly not sleeping well, though I can't get him to admit it.  I know he isn't sleeping, because I hear him awake beside me when I'M not sleeping.

As things have continued, my greatest fear is actually that they WON'T FIND ANYTHING.  Why would I be afraid of that?  Because if there is no reason that they can find for what is going on, they can't fix the problem and I will be stuck being sick with no way to make it better.  I think never getting better is more frightening than any diagnosis.

It has been interesting the past few weeks.  Though I'm not there yet, even CONTEMPLATING my own mortality has changed my motivations and priorities.  You know, any of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow, but we operate in a blind kind of assumed immortality.  We give lip service to the "we could die tomorrow," mantra, but we never live it.  We never say, "If I am not here next month, what would I say to my son at THIS moment?"  or "What lesson is the most important lesson I could ever leave with my child?"

K has been growing more protective.  I must not be feeling well, because for a large part of the time I am letting him, something I have never been good at.  It is hard for me, because I take my value out of what I do for others and what I give them.  Being given more while I give less is a path I am not used to walking.

I had been operating under the naive assumption that my son, being a child, was too wrapped up in his own world to notice any changes in mine.  When I told his step-mother that I was relieved that we could do most of the tests around his school time, she asked me why I wasn't telling him, assuring me "he already knows you're sick."  She said he told her that I was sick and not eating anymore.  So J and I had to sit down and have a discussion.  Though I didn't tell him various possibilities and diagnoses, I told him I am going to the doctor for tests on Tuesday, and would have to get ready to have the tests Monday.  I told him that we would then know what to do to make me better.

I list all the other possibilities.  The truth is cancer is a very slim chance.  I'm too young, and there are a few other diagnoses that fit.  But my mind keeps returning there, even as I tell myself I shouldn't even think of it.  It's as compelling as forbidden fruit, as curious as a train wreck.  I can't help it.

At the end of this season, regardless of the outcome, I am encouraged to realize that I've learned a different measure of life, and a different appreciation for that which blesses me day-to-day.  It is too short to be wasted being unhappy, or feeling some sense of entitlement.  It is to be lived to share with others, encourage them, and experience true joy in what IS, instead of waiting to be happy with what is hoped for.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and continued encouragement.  You are a blessing in my life.