NOTE: This was my review of Chapter One of Fire Bell in the Night, by Geoffrey Edwards, originally posted March 21st, on his first chapter during the contest.
Click here to read my review of his entire novel.
Well, this stinks. I mean it really sucks. Oh, no, not the writing or the chapter, no, no. What stinks is the fact that I won't sleep tonight without ranking this (my "competition") a 10. But I'll tell you why, and perhaps win $500 in the process.
"Someone tossed a pine log onto the campfire. It hissed and popped and sparks swirled in the updraft like fireflies.
My Lord.
Ten men arose and moved wordlessly away, single file down the dirt path. Their black forms blended with the night.
My Lord."
- Anyone reading this chapter should take note of how a soon-to-be published novel should open!!! Geoffery, pay NO ATTENTION to the critics behind the curtain that tell you to move, delete or otherwise change this opening. It is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT...it's hypnotic. I don't care WHAT this story is about. After that opening, I would have closed and purchased this book...then hurried home to start reading it.
From that amazing opening, you throw us into the story and go on to create incredible tension. You proceed into the story and escalate the tension and conflict all the way through (now keeping THIS level of tension up for an entire novel will be difficult...but that's another story...it's not like I'd stop reading it!). - BRILLIANT!
[a series of line edits]
I went through this with a fine tooth comb BECAUSE it is so good and if I can help make it better, I'd be honored to.
So why is it so good? Well as I mentioned, the opening for starters (pun intended). But then there is the mastery of the language, the subtle use of dialect that I never found awkward or annoying, the historical accuracies (which with all these reviews I'm SURE someone was dying to point out inaccuracies), and the vivid imagery.
"But then it was drowned out by the sound of the water and the sound of his heart hammering in his ears. He started to kick hard, fighting for the surface, but the water was pulling him down...down... " - someone else mentioned the other drowning description...but I love this "mirrored" one later even more. Amazing!
"He should have realized it before. It wasn't so bad if you stopped struggling and just let it wash over you - if you breathed it in, very deeply." - WOW, I'm trying to write something that sounds important here but can't. This is just simply "incredible."
"Many a discontented slave had spent time hiding in that forest of pine, only to return when the food ran out or the weather turned. Most received a beating for their disobedience, but many said their time out there was punishment enough." - Either someone's education or years of practice (likely both) refining their skills are on fine display here!!!
"Only from the top of Harold's Hill could one have seen the shadow slip across the far fields, disappearing into the great dark forest of pine." BRAVO - I can only hope that many of the 2,500 writers who submitted works to this contest get a chance to read and admire and learn from lines like this. So simple, yet so descriptive and yes, it's so beautiful.
Please include me among the soon to be many in Geoffrey Edwards fan club!
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Comments: 13
;-)
The other article should be posted tomorrow!
Nice to start with your original review.
Not nice to use inactive link. :)
:-)
Make sure to read my review of the full book!
I joined Gather in February, but was hospitalized right after that and didn't get back into Gather until late July, so I missed alll the fun and drama of the First Chapters Fiction contest . . . Terry and Geoff both told me that there were some genuinely good critiques. I suspect this was one of them.
Again, a class act on your part, S.P.
Now I'm headed back to the review...see ya!
I just wanted to stop by since I am finally going through what is now listed as under 5,200 pieces of gather new mail that is sitting in my inbox on here.
With that mentioned I just came across either a mailing from you yourself, or someone else brought this piece to my attention. You or they felt that your creation should be shared with the gather community, which I am very glad that it was passed on to me to view. So I wanted to say Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to publish it here on gather for us to all view. :o)
As well before I leave you I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year... in 2009 :o)