"Angry Old Man" strategy could help Republican candidates keep Dems out of the White House, off their lawns

I watched a fascinating show Tuesday night about a group of men living in the modern world that faced many challenges and obstacles. At times they seemed concerned, perhaps even a bit befuddled by the questions and problems that the world of today poses. They often disagreed, at times even lashing out at each other, but in the end they were united in the fact that they all were working towards the same goal.

Obviously I'm not talking about the show Cavemen, which is the televised equivalent of receiving a root canal from angry gorilla, specifically an unlicensed, angry gorilla not endorsed by the ADA. No, I'm referring to the debate which took place Tuesday between the Republican candidates on MSNBC.

One problem the Republican Party seems to face every election is its perception as the old man's party. Granted, the average age of the Republican candidates isn't much different from their Democrat counterparts (62 vs. 60), but it was hard to look at the group standing on stage and not think you'd stumbled upon a fanfic reading session at a Matlock convention. This current crop of Republican nominees will do little to offset the stigma that Democrats are the hip party of the young and vibrant while Republicans are the hip replacement party of the old and wrinkled.

(Speaking of wrinkles, Fred Thompson should seriously consider firing whoever did his makeup for the debate. I'm not one to poke fun at another person's appearance, but Fred was sporting some serious jowls. On his forehead.)

But could age prove to be an advantage for Republican candidates like McCain (71), Ron Paul (72) and Thompson (65)? After all, border security and national defense are two of the key topics facing the candidates this election, and if there's one thing all crotchety old men have in common it's that they are all intense defenders of their property. Just ask any kid who's had to retrieve an errantly thrown baseball from the yard of the neighborhood's resident angry old man. If you were to look into any of these men's backyards, I imagine you'd find a large collection of Frisbees, baseballs, and footballs long abandoned by kids too scared to scale the fence to retrieve them. Granted instilling fear in kids is a little different from instilling fear in terrorists, but the message remains the same: get off my lawn.

To fully embrace the inner angry old man, candidates would have to make some changes. Bathrobes and sandals would replace suits as the wardrobe of choice. Candidates would be required to carry canes at all times for brandishing purposes. Lastly, campaign appearances would take place on front porches and consisting mostly of whittling and staring down teenagers that pass by.

It's a flawless campaign strategy if you ask me. I plan on pitching the idea personally to each of these prospective candidates, just as soon as I can work up the nerve to step onto their lawns.