Love is Scary Sometimes

Tonight the urge to write to my gather friends became stronger than the fear of not writing. I don't know why I become fearful over time, when I am absent for awhile. I am sure it goes back to some hideous trauma, but I am truly, truly tired of being ruled by what was. I want what is now.

The one thing that I could identify as a common denominator with past experiences of separating myself from loving situations, is: the loving situation. At gather.com I have met some of the most spectacularly gifted people I've ever met in one place. What has made it so special, is that there is a common theme that runs through gather. Unconditional love. And if that can't be given, then distance is most often respected.

After the energy and fervor spent upon entering the crime contest, I was tired. Also I had built a resentment on the processes of the decision making and the politics. However, that is life. Simply life. And I wrote for a Genre that could not embrace my work anyway, as it was 'court' mystery. But it took time for me to be quiet to understand that there were and are many facets to choices, decisions. Yes, some can be brought about unfairly, but that was not my circumstance.

Actually, I can put up an amazing fight when challenged. It's the lull when I look up and see loving faces and written words of encouragement and belief in me that causes me to turn tail and run. I need everyone who has been in my life at gather.com to still be in my life and me in theirs. I found the mother lode of human jewels. I love each and every one of you.

I will finish with a story about my rabbit. Sometime after Christmas, a rabbit found its way to my barn. He is a strange looking rabbit. Cinnamon colored with a dorsal stripe down his back and a lot of hair around his head. I say he because I haven't a clue as to the sexual nature of this little beast. He lives beneath the barn, sometimes coming inside to catch grain that the horses dribble out of their mouths, out of their stalls and fair game for who ever should be wise enough to know the game. I have become very attached to this rabbit. After asking around I was finally rewarded with the knowledge that the rabbit is called a Lion Rabbit. Thus the long fur about his face.

For me and my new friend, it is a matter of trust. He obviously came from a farm. I was told that there was one a couple of miles away or more who had a bunch of their rabbits escape. This is a good thing as they are sold for whatever the buyer wants, including meat, fur etc. I am not giving him back. This also explains his knowledge that food comes from people, but not necessarily love. We are both learning how to show our love and learn trust. One night I had a horrific dream that he was in the road and had gotten run over. The next day I went to the opening of the foundation beneath the barn where I leave food for him. I loudly but softly said, "Bunny Rabbit. Where are you?" He didn't come out. Usually he will show his rather fat little nose sniffing for the carrot or apple. But as I called to him he still didn't show and I began to become upset and I walked out to the road, walking up and down yelling, "Bunny. Bunny." What seemed like several minutes were probably maybe two minutes, the bunny actually came out from beneath the barn. I nearly broke into tears. "Oh Bunny, you're ok."

After he gave me a good visual, he grabbed his carrot and took it back to his home. Love comes in many odd shapes and sizes. Communication is there if we look for it. Unconditional caring is there if we allow vulnerability. That is my challenge. That is truly my hope and desire.