Update on the Baby

     This weekend has been very rough on me.  Friday night I cried myself to sleep.  I can't sleep very well these past few nights, and wake up often during the night.  Last night I woke up around quarter to four and only got another hour of sleep before morning.  I don't feel hungry most of the time, let alone feel like getting up to fix anything to eat anyway, but then when I do eat I tend to eat too much because I'm not even paying attention or suddenly feel starving.  I am always very hot but these past few days I can't seem to get warm enough.  Sometimes I can't stop crying, and other times I don't have any tears left to cry.  Tomorrow it's back to work and I think I will get through that okay but then I really don't know if I will be running to the ladies' room to have a little cry throughout the day -- it seems likely!

     We had the confirmation ultrasound on Friday, just to double check that the heart really stopped beating.  We already knew from the first ultrasound and the office visit that it was so.  I saw the baby's little face, arms, and legs, hands and toes.  A perfect little person, but with some unknown problem that caused his or her heart to stop beating.  I had to look away but at least I got to see my baby's face!  My husband kept watching and saw the heart, no longer beating. 

     Tomorrow means the doctor will call to set up the D & C surgery, probably for this week.  That means missing a few days of work, which my boss will not be thrilled with.  She cried with me when I called to tell her the baby's heart beat had stopped, so hopefully she will continue to be understanding as we go through this grieving process and all that will be involved. 

     We need to tell the doctor and/or surgeon/hospital/medical center involved that we want the baby's remains for burial.  I told my husband I would like to see the baby, to hold the baby if possible, to find a fitting burial container/urn and wrap the baby in a tiny blanket somehow.  I'm not sure if I want to take a picture or not -- I think I do but we'll have to see.  Right now it's hard to think about much of anything, let alone make decisions.  I think I'd better take pictures or I might regret it later.

     We spoke to our priest -- we are going to call local cemetaries and see which ones have plots for miscarried babies.  He gave us a hug, said a prayer for comfort over each of us, and reminded us that the church views all babies who die as angels -- saved without question, free of sin.  This is so fitting that he said this.  Yesterday my husband and I talked and decided to name the baby "Angel", which means "messenger of God".  This little person came to us for a reason, and left us so soon for a reason.  I can't fathom that reason right now, and maybe never will.  But I know that God has something to teach me through this child.  There is a Jeremy Camp song, "Walk By Faith" that I want to play either at or after the service.  The Catholic church is usually picky about only using liturgical songs at their services, so probably after the priest concludes his blessing will be when I can play it.  I need a copy on cd to take and have to see how we can set up a cd player.

     I am tired.  I am drained.  It's hard to motivate myself to get off the couch.  Little things set off the tears.  I hate taking a shower because I know the baby is still in my belly and I have to keep wearing maternity clothes because I had just grown enough to need them.  We passed a garage sale with a little white crib yesterday and I just bawled in the car.  A friend of ours went through this with his wife and warned that once the surgery is over, it will feel more "final" and I will probably really be more depressed than I am now -- that is hard to believe but I think he's right.  Right now the hormones are at work.  My body still thinks I am pregnant, of course, but the hormones are not helping with the grieving process any, either.  Then after the surgery the hormones will all flip upside down again and that will not help either.

     On the other hand I am trying to count my blessings.  Like being able to hold my one year old last night, snuggling her in her silky blankie and reading her favorite book to her at bedtime.  Or how my youngest son came into my bedroom last night -- and you know how they get right up by your face?  He started to say, "Mommy, I had a bad dream!"  I yelped in surprise because I was half asleep and then we looked at each other and both got a fit of the giggles.  I have a supportive husband who admits this is hurting me more than it is hurting him, and is trying his best to be there for me, despite a horrendous head cold.

     I am in a mode of just trying to put one foot in front of the other.  Today I cleaned out the baby's dresser (the one year old's) and packed up the remaining smaller sizes that were still in there.  I saw the cabinet full of baby bottles that I never put away because I figured we'd need them come April.  I need to box those up next.  I don't know how I'll be in an hour, or tomorrow, or in a week, or in six months.  I just know how I am doing right this minute.  I am going to ask if the hospital knows of a support group for miscarriage -- I think I will need that networking for a while.  I need to deal with my grieving and emotions, but can't waste away in a depressive state while my family needs me.  I will have to find a balance.  There are sporting events to attend, Halloween to trick or treat for . . . .

     And, once the D & C surgery is over, I am hearing from several friends who went through it, that a woman is very fertile and that a fertilized egg loves a cleaned out uterus with fresh lining.  So we are also going to talk to the ob/gyn about how soon will be safe to try again. 

     Please continue to keep us in prayer.  This is not an easy journey.