Do you trust your teen? You shouldn't!

Even college kids do a lot of things their moms wish they wouldn't.

My daughter does not understand, but these days I do the same.
Thanks for posting this.

Good for you. don't trust just love.

I think that I might draw the line on reading the diary, but everything else I pretty much agree with.

My dad read my diary once.....it wasn't pretty what he learned and it had nothing to do with me.

I agree.

The diary is where I found and the other mother found her daugther talking to men all over the country.

Then I am glad that you both read them.

I have a few years until i have to worry about this, but thanks so much for the info

I am a writing instructor who assigns journals. Everyone needs some privacy.
You can still set rules and expect certain behavior, but let the child express herself and have some privacy.

I agree with this.

As a teacher, I found a student who was suicidal. I called his mom. He tried to kill himself two weeks later. She says she was ready, and I saved his life. They're kids.

Open communication from an early age is also very important when dealing with your kids. I wish you the best with your daughter.

amen I never felt I had to pry into my childrens privacy and I had fosters as well as my own !

Oh and seeing my kids are all between 39 and 34 I think they did okay.

My older kids are 28 and 33 and no problems. But now, with the Internet, it's a new day.

I do keep an eye on my daughter.

I agree for the most part. I cannot agree with reading the diary. My father and my step-father did this to me. For me it hurt our relationship/trust and that wasn't worth the little secrets that I kept.

While I keep a very careful eye on my daughters (ages 14, 12, 6, and 3), I would never go as far as to read their diaries. We monitor their web usage, we frequently discuss why we have rules and why it's important for them to follow them, and have a very open, honest relationship with them in general. Luckily for us, we haven't had problems like the ones you mentioned. I'm sure if we did, I would be more receptive to some of the ways of monitoring their behavior you mention.

we don't have teens now, Never knew what they were doing when we did,

I'll send you mine Larry....lol. Angela would love your house, with all those cats and dogs.

I check up on my daughter whom I trust with my life, but not her own life.>>

Thank you for writing on this subject. Yes, parents are blind and deaf. They think because they are no longer changing diapers, feeding or dressing their babies, they are magically grown! I remember when my oldest was about 16, (driving time) and he was rebellious and defiant. I told him to come into my room, because I wanted to have a talk with him. He answered, "I don't want to talk." I replied, "That is fine, but sit down because you are going to listen." I told him, he was gaining more freedom and just because he was 16 didn't mean he was grown, and if he thought I was through and my job was finished as his mother to think again, I mentioned the diapers etc. and said 'I am going to be on your ASS more now than you could ever imagine."

Now, I have two teens. and my line isn't 'while i live and breathe...'it's over my dead body' and if you truly love your children you know I aint kidding.
One of the new problems I am noticing is 20 plus years olds pursuing 13 and 14 yr olds.
Predators, making the girls feel grown like they want to feel and then using them and abusing them. They can buy the alchohol. Oh you think your teen isn't drinking???
or smoking or having sex?

I as a writer respect the privacy of a journal, but I have overstepped that line. And I guarantee if you read your child's ( of course do not get caught) you will NOT believe that this child is your perfect angel! You don't have to reveal to them you read it, but you could definitley broach some subjects subtly. Believe me they need to talk, and not to friends or strangers, they need our guidance.

wish one of their 'friends' would come around my place. Where did I leave that shotgun...now?

THANKS AGAIN FOR BRINGING THIS INTO THE LIGHT...
love~

Part of the problem here is some of those 20 yr. olds are still in high school. My son will graduate in May....and his graduating class ranges in age from 16 to almost 21. We have a lot of boys that don't start school on time (football reasons), so they graduate later. The kids don't realize that a 19 or 20 yr. old senior with a 15 yr. old junior is wrong. We have had a couple of high school students go to jail for having sex with their classmate...one is a legal adult.

I think kids as well as adults need to learn they can be trusted. I think reading a diary is a little far, I too think they need privacy as anyone else does. Monitor a computer I agree on. I also know kids that turn the total opposite from their parents being to strict. They need boundaries and if the mess up then they are punished. Just not sure punished the rest of their teen years is the answer.

Beware Renee, that's where they keep their information, and I don't like it, but that's where if the mother had looked her daughter would be alive. She had a secret life with men. And one of those men killed her. Better you look than the police looking for her rapist and killer.

Carol none of this that is going on now is any different then when we was kids. I had sex with older men, I was sneaking them in my room. Not saying it was right. But locking them up as a prisoner and invading every piece of privacy they have isn't going to help either. If you think all of this is going to keep her from having sex with a male just by reading a diary then you are hurting yourself.

By the way I have a 21 year old male and a 17 year old female child. I treat neither one of them any different then the other. My son was caught with a female in his room. No not at 21 but at 17, he was sat down he was talked to he was then taken to the store for protection. The girls parents was then called as well. My daughter while I beleive her when she says she is still a virgin is on birth control.

Oh yes! Let us use every kind of technology available to us to spy on our children. You think they might be a little better at all this than YOU are MAYBE?
Perhaps they have a "bumper beeper" on YOUR car so they know exactly where YOU ARE every minute of every day for a couple weeks or so? It's possible. Maybe they shared the cost with a few friends. Or MAYBE there's a phone app. you're not aware of....

Technology is a double-edged sword my friends. Your children may be using it AGAINST YOU, TOO.

I"m not interesting enough for my kids to want to spy on me. LOL.

As Janet said. you can read my stuff all day, and when you wake up, read some more.

I trust my son...as he has never done anything to make it so I won't trust him. He can't drive, so he's stuck around home. I know all his friends....and with all his medical issues, girls aren't 'into' him.

Now my daughter, she's 12....she's going to be the one that causes my hair to turn white. She's the one I worry about....but with dance being 4 days a week this year, she won't have time to get in to trouble.

It's the girls we need to protect mostly. They want to be loved, and on the Iternet they meet all kinds and all ages.

That is not always true either. Why because of a sex do we think we need to protect one more then another?

Trust but verify.......

Reading the diary is where I draw the line. Unless the parent is willing to have an open mind and discuss their findings with their child. When I was younger what was written in my diary was not necessarily the truth. Many times it was things I wished for and had not taken place.

Fine, tell them as I do. I'm watching you. My daughter says, "Don't you trust me?" No.
I found a boy in her room. Does that warrant trust?

Carol I have adult children whose mistakes I have to mop up. I don't even trust them. I should have clarified my answer a little better because if they broke my trust then all bets are off and I would read their journal.

My youngest son just turned 20 and is away at college during the schoolyear. Last year he had a girlfriend who was still in high school, we fretted and fussed at him so much that he finally broke off with her (they are still friends just do not date). Now I do not monitor his computer use so much as I want to still know where he is at night while he is home for the summer! I used to be all over him about this and that, but he was usually pretty good about telling us if he had gotten off the straight and narrow especially on the PC just so we would know. We never had to raid his room, but he knew if given cause we sure would! He always knew he had just as much freedom as his goodness level: the better he behaved the more freedoms he kept!

Exactly. Let them earn trust.

I never would have read my son's journals. He has been doing them since he was 12, and has them all still. I would never go into his private thoughts, becaus that is what a diary/journal is, and if he wanted to call me names and say horrid things, that is his right. I had a "bio" that read mine, and then she would throw it in my face how much of slut I was...though I never did anything (I was a virgin) but I did write down that so and so was cute or whatever.
Being on top of a teen can cause them to find other ways to be secretive because they will start to feel like you don't trust them for nothing...and then why do this or that if mom is going to be my jailor and not my mother?....and this sometimes leads to them not trusting you with anything even as adults.

Yes I trust my teen, yes he threw alot of bad punches to us all, yet that is any teen.. those punches made him grow, and my parenting made him who he is today. he is going to graduate from basis training with top honors, go into one of the top diviision of any unit. He will be in the 101 airborne division in KY, and will be proud to serve his country for there are folks that trust him,
never say not to trust your teen or you dont trust what you can do for him/her,
cant trust the world around them yet you are to teach them how to handle them puches with great forse and PRIDE. I trust my teens, and they are who they are for that....

i have watch my son in shcool, yes there were time something got past me, yet it caught up with him and I found out, I went thru the computer, and guide lines, and I even know what going on in basis traing it is good to have a best friend who is a LIEUTENANT COLONEL in the army. He get reports on his doings, and tell me everything that is going on,,,
I am proud of my son, and my daughter for she is raing her kids as I raised her, with trust and pride. and LOVE for most,,,

"If they are trustworthy, they won't mind the scrutiny." That's totally wrong. They'll resent it. Oh, yes, big time.

My daughter knows I don't trust her, because I love her. I tell her everyday, I love her, but she is not trust worthy, and if you taught and talked to teens if I had a percentage of those to distrust it would be about 90%. They're teens for God sakes.

Carol, our kids don't think we ever did anything like what is going on in their generation. That is what makes it easier for us to surprise them with an unexpected block to their plans or an uncomfortable but necessary question. What do parents know about sex, drugs, music..? Can we say Woodstock? But kids think we're fools and that is an advantage to us.

I had naive parents and pulled my share of stunts. It helped me to recognize early signs of various behaviors and head them off. I really think that most young people should be given a chance to prove themselves. If they screw up, then pull the reigns in for a while, letting them learn from their mistakes.

I know that even teens who have been well brought up will make mistakes. I am firmly opposed to invading their privacy, however. Treating one another with respect promotes respect. I would have had to have had substantial evidence of misbehavior and even then, I would have consulted or confronted the child first.

"If they are trustworthy, they won't mind the scrutiny. If they are not trustworthy, better you find it out now."

And yet we resent it when the Gov't treats all of US with that very same philosophy. Granted, we're not all teenagers, but our elected officials (and many UNelected ones) seem to think we're ALL CHILDREN and that THEY know what's best for us.