Elvira Gulch AKA Margaret Hamilton is Alive and Well and Working in our Grocery Store

She's working at the check-out. Really. Just ask my 3 year old.

Let me start with how much I hate "The Wizard of Oz". I have always hated it. I hate it to this day. Every Thanksgiving it would be on TV and my siblings and cousins would make me watch it with them, just to be mean. I fixed them. I'd whine incessantly through the whole thing. I figured out why I hate it. I'm scared to death of those damn flying monkeys to this day. I hated that horrible tree who slapped Dorothy's hand. And The Wizard is a creepy big smoky head.

When my daughter was younger, between 2 and 4, she was going through the phase of watching her current favourite movie repeatedly at least 4 times a day. I can recite the entire script of 'The Lion King' and still cry when Mufasa dies. I was on my last nerve over "The Wizard of Oz" phase, though. Although our house is small, she was too young for me to leave and go upstairs and read when she watched it so I was stuck being present. I rated it with hearing "Its a Small World After All" which is my brain worm that puts me over the edge. I only have to hear it once and its in my head for six months.

Back to the grocery store. We were in the store after she had just watched a "Wizard of Oz" marathon. We live in a small town, you run into everyone in the grocery store. Even if you don't them personally, you know who they are and vice versa. We were preparing to get in line to check out and she said "MOOOOOOOMMMMMM, LOOK ITS ELVIRA GULCH !!!" pointing to the woman working the register. I looked up. She was right, the woman looked just like her!!! The woman had worked there for years and years, I had never made the connection before. Well, I laugh very easily and have little or no self control when it comes to that. I sort of snorted and tried to cover it with a few coughs while turning the cart on two wheels and trying to surrepticiously go to the back of the store because I knew that within seconds I was going to explode. I always get the cart with the broken wheel, so it was cough, cough, ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-thump all the way back to the meat department.

There was no way this child would believe this woman was not Elvira Gulch. She was about three and a half and impressed as hell that Elvira Gulch was alive and well and working in OUR grocery store. "I TOLD you she didn't die, Mom. She's back from Kansas." She insisted that it was, in fact, Elvira Gulch. She didn't understand the concept of time, that the movie was over 60 years old and that Margaret Hamilton had been dead since the 70's after she drank Maxwell House coffee. And also she couldn't grasp the fact that this woman would be insulted to be told that she looked just like "The Wicked Witch of the West" and that it would hurt her feelings. I'm trying to explain all of this to her while I'm practically laughing myself into tears at the hilarity of the situation, not because I was making fun of this lady. In her young mind, this WAS Elvira Gulch and here she was in OUR grocery store working, and this was the coolest thing since Smurphs (who I also hated).

No matter what I said, she wouldn't budge on her stance that it was, in fact, Elvira Gulch. I finally gave up trying to convince her and promised her anything if she would just not make any reference to this woman about 'The Wizard of Oz".

"I want a pony."

"I don't have a pony, but I have a broom. You can practice flying when we get home."

"OK, but I want the one you fly on, Mom."

"Deal."

We made our way to the check out. Wouldn't you know, only one check out was open and guess who's it was. Just as I started to unload onto the conveyor belt, the child whispered to me "I told you she didn't melt." I coughed and glared at her. I had a cart full of groceries, so it wasn't a quick transaction. Did I mention that this woman is also very pleasant and friendly? As she was scanning our groceries she tried to chat up the child and I held my breath.

"Hello, there, little girl".

"Hi!" (deep breath to start a conversation)

I could see the wheels turning and the lightbulb flashing...I just knew what was probably coming so I pinched her leg a little.

"What are you pinching me for?"

"Because I love you to pieces. As soon as we're done here, we can go get ice cream."

I then babbled incessantly to the lady about inane things like the weather, the snow, air, the price of tea in China, global warming, anything to keep the child from talking.

Great. Groceries are finally scanned and bagged. Almost done. Time to pay. I opened my wallet, no cash. Crap!!! Have to write a check. Finally, we are done. Groceries bagged and put in cart. Ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-thump to the parking log. Whew! Another tragedy averted.

Now I hate "The Wizard of Oz" even more.

"I'll get you, my pretty".