Ok - I have to admit, I really need some advice.
My middle son, JD, is 12 years old and he hates school. Yes, with a capital H. Some days he will do his work with very little complaints and other days - well there other days. Days that he complains about everything. He hates his chair, he hates his desk, he hates the clothes he is wearing. He hates to read and even refuses to read. Every lesson he starts to do is dumb. Ask him to add 2+1 on those days and he will tell you he is confused. He can come up with any excuse and every excuse to get out of his school work. He will say that no one can make him do his school work.
Instead of looking in the material he has read for the answer to a multiple choice question, he will just pick an answer. He will say that he doesn't care if he gets it wrong. He will say that the answer is not in the material he just read. He will say that the answer isn't where he is looking or where he looked. He will say that I never help him. When I am sitting less than a foot away from him, he will ask me to tell him what page the answer is on. Then he will want you to tell him what paragraph it is in. And then he wants to know what sentence it is. I mean it just goes on and on.
He will say so many other things too. All the things that he says is negative. We all try to work with him. We all try to help him. There is a limit to helping someone before you actually are doing it for them.
I am hoping that someone who has experienced something like this can please give me some ideas or suggestions that may help us out. At this point, I sometimes think a root canal would be more pleasant.
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Comments: 16
How is your son's behavior at school Alta? We have a child with similiar actions occasionally. Let me tell you... Sue has it right on. We offer him help to a point. When it becomes clear that all he wants is out of the work or for us to do it for him, we shut it down. We let him know that if he wants help from then on we're here. He then has the choice to either do the work or not to. However, if he chooses not to do the work, there will be NO television, video games, going outside to play, treats of any sort until it is done. It creates some drama for awhile the first few times but believe me, they really do get tired of looking at walls and hearing everyone else outside of their room enjoying themselves. The same thing goes for classroom behavior. His teachers have some "refocusing actions" in place. Once he's exhausted those and continues his tirades, he loses privileges at home.
It's tough love to some, but in my humble opinion it's criminal to allow them to act out and offer rewards for normal expected behavior. Reward him for going above and beyond. ( Obviously if he has some disabilities, rewards may be appropriate)
It's our job as parents not only to love our children and make sure they are as safe and healthy as possible, but to also make sure that they have the tools to be productive adults.
No one in the real world is going to say " Hey great, you made it to work all week! Even though you didn't do a damn thing when you got here, we're going to give you a raise for just showing up"!
It could also be what Sue said, and he has a learning disability, maybe dyslexia. Either that or he's just not being challenged enough and he's bored with school so he thinks he doesn't have to do it. My ex was like that in school, they didn't challenge him so he didn't try even though he is one of the smartest people I know.
Good luck, I hope everything works out for you!
Everyone is throwing around the word "disabilities", it may be an extreme ABILITY. The ability to get out of doing his work, which is often a sign of above average intellect.
Like Erica I have experience with incrediably bright individuals who just weren't interested or stimulated by the work given to them. You son my literally be smarter than the assignments and that frustrates him.
I dang sure wouldn't reward bad or lazy behavior. If Simon really is a teacher, it says alot about what's wrong with public school these days.
He and his 2 brothers were in foster care for almost 3 years. I have no idea why they were there so long. His brothers - one older and one younger, do not have these problems. All of the children have been diagnosed with all kinds of things that my husband and I are just not seeing. The main thing that we are seeing is him just plain out being defiant. We are not experts with any of our thoughts, just things that we have read and talked to others about, just like all of you.
All 3 of the boys came to live with us in March of this year with the intentions of us adopting them. Our adoption was final in July. When they came to live with us, JD was on so many meds that he seemed like a zombie. His meds have really been reduced and he is now a little boy that is alive and able to laugh. Now that our adoption is final, we are homeschooling the boys. JD had issues in school before. We have talked to a couple of his previous teachers. Offering him rewards at first did not work at all. He would say that he didn't care. Sometimes he still says that he doesn't care. In some ways, we think that he is scared of the reward or scared it may be taken away, such as not trusting adults that have lied to him in the past. However, we have noticed that small rewards do work (sometimes) with him. When I say rewards, I mean like him earning play time or going grocery shopping with me. Nothing big at all.
We do not believe in the rewards that Simon mentioned. Normal everyday behavior does not need to be rewarded - it is expected. We believe more like Nardy said.
Right now because he has spent so much time in his room, he is starting to say that it's boring in his room, not being able to play or do anything else. We don't have any paid programming for tv, but we do watch movies. We were limiting the amount of time that they were able to play the xbox to only 30 minutes a day. Now we don't let them play the xbox at all.
We have noticed some change for the positive since we started homeschooling. We are trying to take it all one day at a time and hope for the best.
Thank you all again for your replies. I look forward to more replies!
If you have a naughty child then normal every day behaviour does need to be rewarded. It may be expected, but you're not getting it! The idea of Kerry ignoring the child is ridiculous. When do you start doing things with him again? When you're visiting him in prison after another disaffected American has been into school with a gun? Ignore your child, what absolute rubbish!
To me, it sounds like you and your husband are doing the right thing. It will take some time for the boys to make the adjustment to a steady,stable, secure home life. There are bound to be some testing of the boundaries and some mood swings as they do make it. Consistensy in whichever manner of discipline you choose will be the most important thing. Your husband and yourself should be in agreement with the plan in advance, so that there aren't any issues when a problem arises. The kids will learn to expect (and respect) the same line of correction every time. It does work.
I also subscribe to a philosophy that I call the 'no guilt' method. A lot of times when a parent or caregiver doles out some form of punishment and the kid cries,whines,throws a tantrum or profusely apologizes, the parent starts to feel bad and caves in. Not so with me. I explain that while he may be sorry, he still needs to accept the punishment for the "infraction" for lack of a better word. I refuse to feel guilty for doing what is necessary in order to teach my children respect, manners, responsibility, and socially acceptable behaviors. To allow them to guilt us into changing our minds once we've said "no more" is to teach them that whining etc. is the acceptable and appropriate way to deal with their issues. That will continue throughout their childhood and right into adult life. I'm sure we all know someone like that. I don't want that for my kids.
I think we over medicate our children to make our own lives easier. I'm glad you were aware of your son's possible overmedication. I think your kids are fortunate that they have parents like you two, who care enough to make the tough choices.
In response to you Simon, I mean no disrespect, I just don't agree with your method. Just because you're not getting good behavior as expected, doesn't mean we should start rewarding them in order to get it. At no point did Kerry say anything about ignoring the child. She said stop helping. I agree with that to a point also, as I said in my first response. Once he realizes that the help is gone, he'll make the adjustment to get it back.
Consistently reward a kid for being "good" for a couple of days and you've taught that kid that if he's good he'll get a treat. All fine until the treats stop. You end up right back at square one. Normal behavior is good behavior and does not require or demand a reward.
We do agree on one thing though. If you punish a child and it cries then the worst thing that you can do is back done. Believe me, my teaching style is not one where the children get away with any misbehaviour, I am not a do gooder who says children should not be punished.
Constant punishment would only come from constant improper behaviors. That is not to say that there is never any recognition of good behaviors when they are present.
I do know that since we have said no movies or playing until he gets his mind on school work that he has found that his bedroom is boring. So it truly is a punishment to send him to his room.
I think what I needed most from everyone is to know that I am not the bad person (so to speak) here, that I am on the right track and there really is no need to pull my hair out.
Thank you all again and again!