People suffering from bi-polar, and those who love them...

Well, I haven't been on much in the past few days.  Things have been too wild on the homefront, and I'm just trying to take it day by day.

My boyfriend suffers from bi-polar disorder.  They put him on a medication that seemed to be working at first, but then it started making him sick, and he has just been "losing it" the past few days.  He, literally, loses control, and gets like one of those "crazy" people on tv, you know how they try to play up all people with mental disorders as totally nuts...  well, this medication is doing that to him.

I suffer from major depression, PTSD and anxiety disorder, so we fit together pretty well most of the time, because we can understand things about each other, and our moods, that couldn't be understood  by someone who had not suffered from any kind of mental disorder, no matter how much they wanted to in order to help someone they care about.  I, also, had a traumatic experience with some meds a few months ago, where I felt like I lost my mind.  It's a very scary thing to feel that way and to know that your doctor, who you trust, put you on the medication that did this to you.  I have lived with depression for long enough that I understand that with the medications you have to do a trial and error to find out which will work in your system, and that they do take a while to work, so you have to be patient.  James is newly diagnosed, although he has always known he has a problem, so it's harder on him, and I'm trying my best to support him.

Here is the problem...  I am getting hurt in the process.  I have been very patient and understanding, and he has made so many major changes, on his own.  He is a different man than the one I met a year and a half ago, a much better, stronger, more loving and trusting man.  He rarely every had his "blow-ups" any more, before he started on the medication.  I know that if we have patience and get him on a new medication, we'll eventually find something that works.  I love him dearly, and don't want to give up on him...  BUT...  where on Earth do I draw the line?

When James goes into one of his tirades, he is not him...  the anger just takes over, and he often doesn't realize it until it's over, at which point he is very regretful and apologetic.  BUT...  I told him a couple days ago, everything is NOT ok five minutes after he's called me a retarded bitch, or whatever his phrase for that tirade.  Especially when I get hurt...  oh, it's always "an accident"...  grabbing something away from me and spraining my wrist...  knocking over a huge jar of change, busting it on my head...  yesterday, again, grabbing the phone from me, my shoulder is hurting very badly.  Like I said, it is happening so much less than it used to, but it really is getting progressively worse with my getting hurt.

I know James would be devastated if I left him, and it would hurt me tremendously as well, but this seems so clear, a pattern of abuse....  I always swore that I would never be one to stick around for something like that.  Yesterday, I fought back (both of us yelling), and I practically begged him to hit me in the face.  That way, it would be easier for me to leave.  He couldn't say that was an "accident".

I have a girlfriend in an almost identicle situation.  Of course, I want her to leave.  She deserves so much better than the way she is being treated...  but it's so much harder when I'm the one that is in the situation, looking at all sides.  How much are you supposed to put up with in the name of love???