When I'm Down-Write On Challenge

       A few months ago, everything hit me at once:

My mother was diagnosed with a serious illness, a son left for college, another burst an eardrum unexpectedly and my body was starting to show the inevitable signs of middle age. Our dust bunnies had turned into dust elephants. A friend was diagnosed with cancer. Another friend woke, stood up and his heart just....stopped. So many shocks in such a short amount of time. I was not only suffering from POST-traumatic syndrome but from pre-traumatic syndrome, wondeing what was next. Nothing seemed in control and I was a control freak, actually thinking I could determine every step of my life if I just...tried....hard enough. 

        My mood? Well, it wasn't sunny. Not even close, even though one of my favorite childhood movies was Pollyanna and I even loved The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins and all those undeniably inspirational movies. Julie Andrews was my role model (once). Audrey Hepburn was a close second. 

         I'd always been a glass "half full" person,  optimistic almost to the point of being overly so.  And yet here I was, being downright surly, snappish and intolerant. I was wallowing in self-pity over things both large and small. If the day was cloudy, I took it PERSONALLY. Stubbed my toe? Not my fault, surely.   I was a step away from being certifiable - okay, maybe not even a step. A hair length, a VERY short hair length.

     Look at me the wrong way and I could say, "WHAT?" My kids were crossing the room to  stay away from me and saying things like "Geeeeeeeze, Mom. Chilll". I was giving strangers nasty looks in supermarkets just because they had the nerve to look at me. Clearly, I was spoiling for a fight. 

          What brought me to my senses and got me to realize that I could CHOOSE to wallow in my negative, "world against me" feelings or change? Several things. First, my mother's attitude. Here she was, no longer able to drive, getting around with a walker and yet she woke up every morning with excitment and a desire to see what each day could bring. A glimpse of a hummingbird outside her window could get her to break into excited cries. She talked to her flowers, savored her morning coffee and relished life. At her age, the odds were high that she didn't have many years left but she refused to focus on this but instead relished the present moment, fully, completely. 

          That made me realize I was looking ONLY at the negatives and not at what I still had - a healthy family, a house, enough money (even if we aren't exactly rolling in dough), food and the possibility of what a new day could bring. Yes, there might be more problems ahead, maybe even a wealth of them, but who knew what gifts could come my way as well? So, like my mother, I also started looking at the present moments and savoring the joys I'd been ignoring. That cup of coffee, with its subtle undertones. Taking a moment to sit down and read a chapter of a book. Listening to the sound of morning birds. Opening my sense to the world, in all its beauty and pain. Being fully alive. Listening to people, recognizing their joys and sorrows. 

       While this may not seem like a simple formula for "what to do when you are down", the main point is that we can not choose what happens to us, not always.  Earthquakes happen, people get sick, so much is beyond our control. But we can choose our attitude and what we believe. If you are religious, you can turn to your faith. Even if you are not, reading the Bibie or another book of inspiraton can get your mind turning in a new way.

       I do best when I get outside my own limited perspective and realize that I am not alone in my pain, that others suffer too. If I think of that and if I try to give to others and find out how they cope, then I benefit too. Beyond that, I have also learned the merits of balanced selfishness, neither being too giving or too self-sacrificing. This doesn't come naturally to me, the Mother, the Wife, the Nurturer who got used to putting herself second. 

 I make time to exercise, to enjoy a hot bath, candle-lit rooms. I let the adult part of me have its say and then I talk back, "Wow, you're acting crazy today?" (adult). Then my child nature says, "Yes, and isn't it fun? Let's go wiggle our  toes in that mud puddle over there one more time!" The adult side hesitates, then breaks into a grin and off we go....

        So that is another factor: never lose your childish side. We all have our inner child and that child needs nurturing. So do it. A piece of chocolate cake for breakfast once in awhile won't hurt you unless you are diabetic or otherwise on a very restricted diet.  Sleeping all day and staying in your pajamas doesn't mean you are lazy, as long as it isn't  a habit. Wallow in the pleasure of a good book or that long walk or the roller coaster ride. 

           My third way of shaking the doldrums: focusing on the sweetest memories of life. Holding my father's hand when he died, knowing that the person who'd been there when I came into the world was able to have someone who loved him witness his passing. The jelly-stained kisses of my young children or the proud cries of "Look, Mom! " when my attention meant so much to them. Remembering being young and running through the sprinklers on a hot summer day or the thrill of our first air-conditioned room, after living for years without it.

        Finally, finally, I come to this: life changes. Few things stay the same. Even the things that seem so dark and terrible start to fade from memory and what doesn't seem like it can be borne somehow becomes bearable. Hearts heal, albeit with scars. We find love again, waiting, and each day, like a gift, ready to open its arms to us, if we only allow ourselves to be open to that embrace.