My mother has advanced lung cancer and is receiving chemo. I live with her and am also her caregiver. We have been very close all of our lives, and I am having a hard time adjusting well. Sometimes I even get angry with her and then I feel guilty. The next step is I get depressed and have thought about a way out, but have not attempted anything. Can you suggest something to help me cope?
Answer:When a patient talks about a “way out,” I worry that he or she is contemplating suicide. Suicide is a very serious and scary problem, but thoughts of it are probably more common than is generally known — many people who feel trapped by their situation imagine ending it all. Fortunately, there are other and much better ways out of the trap. Anyone who is feeling desperate should call a doctor as soon as possible.
Caregiving is very stressful. It is quite normal to have mixed emotions about the person requiring constant attention, for example, anger followed by guilt. It is not so easy to stop feeling guilty, even when a person is reassured that there is nothing to feel guilty about.
Talking to a psychotherapist about the caregiving relationship can be very helpful. A therapist should ask about the ups and downs of the relationship prior to the current situation. We are all imperfect, and so are our relationships. A person can come to a better understanding of how prior and present conflicts came to be and how the conflicts affect how the caregiver feels.
Also, a therapist may offer some practical ideas to help manage the stress. For example, learning to set limits about what a caregiver can realistically do each day and offering ways to present the limits in a kind and loving way.
Anticipation of losing a loved one adds to the complex feelings that occur while caring for someone who is very ill. A therapist can help with those feelings, too.
Symptoms of depression should be evaluated even if the reasons for depression seem obvious, such as caregiver stress and the fear of losing a loved one. In addition to psychotherapy, an antidepressant medication may be very helpful. Medication for anxiety or for trouble sleeping may also be useful.
Mind your own health, too. Caregivers need to take care of themselves first. It’s like the flight attendant says before takeoff: If the oxygen masks are released, put your mask on first before you assist anyone you are traveling with. Make sure to sleep enough, eat well, get some exercise, and make some time for yourself.
People are often very reluctant to talk to their doctor about feelings of depression. Chances are that it will be the first step toward feeling better.
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Acting as a caregiver for someone you love—whether it is a spouse, parent, or close friend—can be one of the most worthwhile tasks you will ever undertake. But it can also be the most stressful. Caregiver's Handbook: A Guide to Caring for the Ill, Elderly, or Disabled…and Yourself is a special report from Harvard Medical School that can help you balance the demands of caregiving and your own life. Get help assessing caregiving needs, as well as dealing with legal and financial issues. And, most importantly, learn how to maintain your own well-being in the process.
Are you Living With Depression? Connect with others with similar health concerns and issues. Click here to join the group.
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Comments: 4
That seems like a paradox, but people who are able to laugh do find it helpful.
Depression, of course, goes beyond sadness and can strip people of their sense of humor. That's where treatment — as Rose Marie suggests — comes in. Medication can push back on the biology that may not be working right. Psychotherapy can provide new ways of thinking about difficult circumstances, making them more manageable.
Once depression is treated, there is space for two people to laugh together again. And I think it also makes it easier to find meaning in the sadness. That can be helpful too.