Question for Depression Sufferers

have you ever heard of a book called Codependant no more? even though it deals somewhat with alcoholism the issues are very similar. I sincerely believe in your case you care and have tried everything. It could be if you placate him even though it is very serious he has no need to reach out to others for help. He might not be on the right medication but even so it takes more than medication. talk therapy, faith, I have a mood disorder and have been at the absolute pits of despair and hopelessness. Finally after some things happened I was willing to try anything to feel and get better. light therapy, talk therapy anything. It is still ongoing. Maybe you need counseling on how to deal with this yourself. His illness and not doing anything else to get better is somewhat manipulative.

I am by no means saying his illness is his fault because it isn't.

Thank you, Anne Marie. I appreciate your comments. Yes, I am best friends with the book "Codependent No More". That book has been instrumental in changing so much in my life. I think I need to read it once again......Hugs to you on your own journey and thank you for your advice.

Honestly, if they're still depressed enough that it was that noticeable I would suggest they get some help. The drugs may not be effective enough. Many times if they've been on them for a while the drugs can often become less effective.

As for your "position", I lived with a person that was bipolar. It was so extremely hard to deal with on a daily basis, never knowing what the next minute would bring. For me it wasn't a hard decision, I had to walk away. My kids didn't need that and neither did I. So you have to decide if you can stand the ups and downs.

As for just going on with life, sometimes that is best. Other times try to show him the good in things. Don't be overly "Pollyanna" and find nothing but good in the world but explain and show him that things are not always as bad as they may seem. You cannot allow his depression bring you into one also though.

Good luck.

I started answering you in so many different ways. But there just isn't a pat answer, and that's what makes it so hard. Sometimes I get where I just want to have someone ask how I'm doing and actually LISTEN. Sometimes, someone needs to just try the tough love. Like if I don't get it together, I will be alone.

It sounds like whatever meds he's taking aren't working and it might be time for a reevaluation.

Bottom line, I think you need to put yourself and your child first. If not for you, imagine what this is doing to your child.

Its a illness, that needs to be treated like a illness. Some people can handle it and some can't. It doesn't make you a bad person if you can't, but find someone or a group that deals with it all the time. that will help you. I have dealt with it very little and it was hard. I will pray for you and your family to be able to get thur this trying times.

Cheryl
I suffer from depression. It has been a very hard battle to live a regular life. Fortunately, I received help from medication and talk therapy.
You should let him know that you love and support him but that he needs to get more help. He is the only one who can do it. He has to want to feel better.
Depression is an illness, unfortunately there is such a stigma surrounding it and people feel uncomfortable even admitting they have a problem.
You do have to keep living a normal life for your child and for you. If he doesn't try to get better then you will have to leave for the sake of your child.
Brenda

Yes, this is a very difficult illness t live with, whether you are the one suffering form it or the one supporting someone with it. I have suffered for years with depression and there is no right answer. I have been the medicaiton route and that can cause just as many negatives as non-treatment.

Take care of yourself and child first.

Thanks for sharing ..

Cheryl:
As someone who suffers from depression, I know when I am in that state I just want to be left alone. Which is the worst thing for me. Luckily those in my life have come to recognize the warning signs and will point out to me that I don't seem right.

For me, sometimes it's that my meds need to be adjusted in some way. Sometimes it's just what's going on in life and I need to talk to a professional for a tune up. Sometimes it's just that I'm taking several "little" things in my life and combining them all together to make it a BIG issue.

Maybe point out the med thing and that they don't seem to be working. And, as Beverly stated, don't minimize or try to make the world seem all flowery. I have recently been diagnosed with some physical ailments and I REALLY dislike hearing, "everything will be ok, I know it will". It seems almost hollow.

Take care of yourself also. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. The better position you are emotionally, the better position you'll be in to help.

Some people suffer from depression and some people are negative in general. There is a big difference. Depression is cureable, I'm not so sure chronic negativity isn't. If it is true depression, the help he needs is SO much bigger than just you. If you need to leave to keep your mental health, the time to help him is over. There are lots of good articles, etc. on depression on the internet. Get him the help he needs, and if this has been going on for years, accept that it probably won't be getting any better and help yourself.

Wow, this is a tough one... All I have are a few "opinions", I don't know if they can help or not, I hope so.. I will try to view what I might do in a situation like this. I think because sometimes I get sort of outspoken, I would just sit down to him and say, I need to talk. Let him roll his eyes or say anything he wants, but get his attention, then start talking. Tell him that this problem, (and it is a problem), is hurting the whole family. Let him know, many times over, that he is loved though. Tell him what you are feeling, sadness, anger, helplessness, all of that. Tell him you want to help, but he needs to do something to help himself, whether it be medication, or talking it out with a "professional". About the day to day stuff, is it cold and callous, yeah, it may get that way. I don't know what to say, don't be overly mean, but for example, if you are doing your writing, and he makes one of "his" comments, make a comment of your own... "This is "my" book, when you are writing your book, then you can write what you want". "Depression makes you sad, it doesn't give you license for being an asshole". As far as "walking away", hard, hard question. Marriage vows are for better or worse, this may be the worse... One thing to ponder... If he had cancer, or some debillatating disease where it made things really hard in certain ways, say, he messed hisself, (sorry, gross, I know, but we as humans have problems like that, usually only happens when we get really old, Guess I am thinking more about a parent, than a spouse. Or say maybe he had an ilness that made it to where he couldn't "perform". Would you walk away then?... I do believe mental illness can be by a "chemical imbalance" but possibly there may be something he can do also. If he ALWAYS sees the negative in things, try this:... Maybe explain to him to just see things as they are, if they are negative, then they are negative, but everything isn't going to be negative, there are some positives in life, show him some examples. If he says he is depressed, yeah, that is a negative, say this then, ok, we are all still alive, you, him, your children. There has got to be some positive in that, right?.. If you have money problems, sure, that's negative, but then point out some other stuff, do you have a tv in the house, or more, I know you have a computer, so there is more, how about video game consoles, a refrigerator with some food in it?.... There is ALWAYS, ALWAYS something to be thankful for, and if you are thankful for something, then that has to be a positive thing, right?... Tell him just what you have said here, you want to give up, BUT, you love him. Ask him if he loves you, and if he says yes, then tell him to DO something to help this problem out. But, always, always let him know that you love him. I can't think of much else to help, I pray for all the best for you and your family, this is so, so hard to deal with, I'm sure.

Cheryl, you've received some great advice. You must use (or not use) that advice that best suits you and your situation. There isn't a great deal I can add. Perhaps telling you a bit about our situation will help.

My dear husband and I BOTH suffer from depression. However, we each handle it very differently, primarily because I (fortunately) am a more positive thinking person in general. My husband is a very negative thinker since life has taken us for some pretty good rides. I've found that there are several things that help, besides medication, etc. On a personal level, at home, I do some of the following:

I make sure that he thinks every day of the good things happening. Especially those things that directly touch him. I remind him often of how good some things are that happened recently, even if it's something very small. I try just mentioning these things in a casual and general way. I call it planting seeds.

Sometimes depression is wrapped around other problems like insomnia. So that my dear husband sleeps well, I have set up the bedroom specifically with him in mind. I've decorated the room in a theme he loves dearly. In his case, seashore. The light blues, of water and sky, the light sand color of the beaches. Shells and other things that are beachy. On top of that, I had some of his favorite beach scenes blown up and framed. Then I made sure his room is darkened even days, with shades, and curtains. He loves sleeping with sound such as beach sounds, or certain quiet music, so he has a radio/CD player in there that he can fall asleep to.
Sleeping well is critical.

Don't let stagnation slip in. Despite daily routine, which is really boring but necessary, I try, at least once a week, if not more, to get he and I OUT of this house! It's not that easy as he is confined mostly to a wheelchair. There are two things he loves: photography and music. When the weather permits we go for rides to nowhere, just seeking places to take pictures. Then when home he can download them, and do his editing. He loves that. It does cheer him. The local churches here often have groups in for song. Along with it they usually have pot luck. I sometimes have to really work to get him out, but once he's there, he has fun. He sees people, and enjoys the programs. Breaking the routine is very important.

It may sound odd to you, but laughter really is the best medicine sometimes. I often e-mail my husband cute Pics, and especially funny tidbits. Every once in a while, I find something that really tickles his funny bone, and he has a good laugh. I know full well that makes him feel good. I also have tapes/CD's of his favorite comedians that I put on once in a while.

When things get too bad, I make sure he goes to our doctor. Even if all he does is talk with him, it helps sometimes. If all else fails I place a call to the crisis hot line run by our insurance company. Once he gets on with someone who can talk with him, it helps.

I know only too well how difficult your situation is. I don't have young children to worry about anymore. So it's easier for me in some respects. If you believe you need to separate, even for a while until he gets council, then please do so, with no guilt applied to yourself. You have a young one to think of, and that child needs you to be in good shape, too!

I don't know if you are a praying person, or even religious, but a church affiliation is wonderful for support. I shall keep you and your family in my prayers, and wish you all the best in a difficult situation. God Bless you.

Good counseling, Consider Dr Wayne Dyer's "Being in Balance"
Phillipians 4:8 in a nutshell

Cheryl:

I don't have any answers, but as someone who has suffered from depression, I would agree wholeheartedly that the sufferer needs to want to get better, especially if things are exacerbated by an innately negative outlook. Even if they think it's hopeless, it isn't unless they completely give up. Often times, that final surrender is a pretty serious boundary that can help someone realize they need to work at something.

My $0.02.

I know my marriage ended partly due to my depression. My wife believed I used my depression to control her. Depression is a recognized illness. I have said it before and I will do it again. What I want to hear is a simple, "Its hard isn't it?" That says you care. Ask if you are able to do anything to help. Ask what it is like to be depressed. Depression is lonely. But the other comments are right you can not cure depression. You can be supportive but keep your life. If my wife did not do something because I was depressed I felt guilty because I was hindering her life. Watch for suicide! Does he talk of it often. How specific does he get? When I am in pain every day sometimes I just want to get out of the pain in anyway. Remind him how it would hurt you and his family and friends if he did that. Call a doctor if you are afraid. I have been through many meds-if one did not wiork I became discouraged. Remind him every day new meds are coming out and there are many combinations to try. I have used many meds as new drugs were introduced. See a psychiatrist not a doctor because a psychiatrist can prescribe drugs and has a background on those drugs and what they do. Finally it is not your fault he is depressed but love him-love him-love him-depressed people feel unloved. Best to you.

Thank you, everyone for the wonderful advice. I can't tell you how much you all have helped me with your insights. I love you guys...

I suffered from depression for many years. I consider myself as managing my disease at this point in time. There are several ways I do this. However, I do occasionally slip into my depression from time to time. I have lost many friends due to my depression. I have also lost loved ones and even family members. However, here is my advice.

You have the right to take care of yourself. You always do. My mother use to say that love stops short of self destruction. I always remembered that. Even when I was at my lowest point and people walked away...I eventually understood that they had the right to take care of themselves. And if they had that right...then I had the right to take care of myself.

Whatever you decide, whatever you can handle, remember that there is nothing intentionally cruel about self preservation. When your loved one emerges he will understand that also. It's part of depression. Learning how and when to fight for you! Learning how strong you are. Knowing what you can handle...and the steps it sometimes takes to accomplish that.

Take care. I wish you the best. I wish him the best. I sincerely hope...when he emerges from this dark night and can see the dawn....that you are both bathed in the light.

People have given you some very good advice. For me, I would want to hear, "Your meds aren't working. Let's make an appointment and I'll take you."

I'm not sure how one does it, but NOT absorbing the negativity is crucial. If you have to walk away, you have to. If you care for him, the walking away doesn't have to be permanent. I have a friend who seemed mired in negativity. He can't take meds because of this or that or something else. He has a hundred reasons why he can't get help. I had to seriously back off being friends with him because his negativity was seeping into my mind. I felt awful doing it, but I had to. I was just making some progress, and he was dragging me down.

My serious advice would be to talk to him. If you love him and want to stay, give him a chance to improve. Tell him how his depression is affecting you and your family. Tell him you need him to go back to the doctor's and do what is necessary for him to feel better. Tell him that you would like him to get better, but if he refuses to try (and keep trying), you may have to separate from him because his mood is making *you* depressed. Is he getting counseling? Go with him once (if you're allowed). Get your own counselor (you'll need it).

Sometimes it takes a while to get better. If you care about him enough, just keep trying to get him up and out. Tell him you love him frequently. Write it down. Make cards. Those words seem to bounce right off and don't get into my head, but eventually, it does help. Try not to hold his horrible moods against him (yeah, you'd need to be a saint).

Take care of yourself. Give yourself a break from him on a regular basis. Show him by example how to take care of himself. Try not to be negative (very hard, I know). If you blow up once or twice, don't think he won't forgive you. If he's anything like me, he knows how hard it is to live with him.

Whatever you decide to do, don't hold it against yourself. Don't think that something you've done or haven't done caused this. Seriously consider counseling for your child, because children always think it's about them. They think they have caused things by being difficult, or even by their existence. Don't assume your child knows he/she didn't cause your husband's problem. Kids often say, "I know" when they really don't.

Most of all, keep talking to people. Let the steam out of your head on a regular basis.

Be very honest and compassionate. If you are feeling overwhelmed or angered, they know it. Bringing these emotions into the open gives opportunity to work with them positively. Depression is in a lot of ways like an addiction. To move beyond it, the person needs to have the knowledge that is possible and something better to work towards. Often depression overwhelms one with feelings of guilt and defeat. One believes there is nothing better and one deserves no better. There is also a deep shame component -- feeling incompetent to be part of the community because of feeling like a failure. So, honesty is not just about your feelings and their feelings, but about the real steps that can be taken, bit by bit, nonthreatening, and very rewarding in the sense of the depressed person learning to feel gently more competent. Compassion, too, is not just your feeling for them, but self-compassion, giving yourself permission for whatever you are feeling and for finding within this relationship your own expansion of understanding and expression.

Hope this helps. I believe I have posted quite a bit about depression, especially earlier in my Gather career. I'd be glad to send you some of my musings on depression and such, if you like.

Peace,
libramoon

Thank you everyone.

Libra...I would love to read any of your musings on depression if you would like to send them to me. Thank you!

http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977083471

There are a lot of valuable thoughts here and I read libramoon's article and boy those are some deep thoughts and thanks to Cheryly for asking for them.

What works for me, when I'm feeling depressed, are hugs. I need them to stay out of depression. And I need sunshine. On cloudy days sometimes I just want to get back under the covers and wait for the sun.

And one thing I've read about and tried and it works for me is exercise. Not serious cardiovascular workout stuff. If I go for walks I feel better. Nice slow, look at the view, smell the flowers type walks. It will take time to build up again but I will start this week. The scientific explanation is something about endorphins and neurotransmitters, I think, but it works.

And I think my #1 rule of parenting an ADHD kid applies here too: If it works, it's good. :)

The second rule is stolen from somewhere else but also seems to apply: Take care of yourself first. (You can't help anyone if you let their problem break your health.)

Good luck with it all. And have a hug from me.

Cheryl,
I think depression is finally getting some attention. I now live with depression. It came on suddenly, or so I thought. I got till I just laid on the couch and cried. I cried because my home needed cleaned. I cried because I had no energy. I just cried for no reason at all. I knew something was wrong but I did not know what it was. I had never been depressed before and this was very new to me. I did not like myself very well when I was feeling like this.

I finally went to seek help. I was put on medication and had too many side affects from it. So they put me on another. After about four tries, the fifth med helped. I had to start with 25 mg until it was increased to 150 mg. Only when it reached 150 mg did I begin to see a change in my energy level. They crying got less and I begin to finally go out of the house.

When life and stess got bad, as it usually does in life, I could feel myself being pulled back into the depression state again. I called the Dr and he increased my meds and added a new pill at night.

He said it is an ongoing process. Meds have to be reevaluated on a regular basis.
I also go to tharapy to help me learn coping skills.

My depression was caused from years of chronic pain on a daily basis. The pain is always there and never goes away. They were surprised that I had gone as long as I did before the anxiety and depression got bad.

http://www.hedweb.com/bgcharlton/depression.html

Medical Hypotheses, 2000; 54: 126-130

The malaise theory of depression: Major depressive disorder
is sickness behavior and antidepressants are analgesic
Bruce G Charlton MD