I frequently read stuff by parents of kids with Asperger's, but haven't seen much from individuals who have lived through it themselves. I'm a 54 year old woman. When I was growing up, people barely knew what autism was. Asperger's wasn't even defined in the literature until the early 90's. I grew up entirely on my own with no understanding or support of any kind. I was high-functioning academically, but otherwise I was pretty much unable to connect with what was going on around me at all. I drove my parents nuts. My dad acted like he hated me. My mom ridiculed me. They couldn't tolerate my hypersensitivities and overreactions and otherwise odd behaviour. People in general mostly just talked about me, looked at me funny, avoided or ignored me. Of course, as a young child I didn't know or care the difference, but as a teenager I was well aware that something was seriously wrong. I begged my parents for psychiatric help but that wasn't done by people like them in those days. I became clinically depressed as a young adult, unable to survive on my own. I had to join the military. I needed the structure. I also got treatment for depression. After 11 years I managed to graduate from college. I majored in sociology, not as a career path, but simply to try to understand what was going on around me, as a survival strategy. I got into a lot of trouble with sex and drugs, just trying (unsuccessfully) to make some kind of human contact. Finally at 26 I met my husband. He felt intuitively that I was manic-depressive (which I was later diagnosed and treated for, which has helped a lot -- I have multiple problems, but the Asperger's came first). He is the only person I have ever known who has truly cared about and accepted me, although it hasn't been easy for him either. If it weren't for him I probably wouldn't be here now. We have 2 sons, 18 and 21. They both have issues of their own, to some degree a product of my own inability to parent effectively. We're all doing the best we can with the cards we were dealt. I have continued stubbornly to learn and grow and improve all my life. I'm not just a survivor, in my own way I'm a victor. I may not be a success in the world's view, but inside I know what a success story I am, and so does my husband. My kids are trying to come to terms with it, while dealing with growing up themselves. I always have hope, even in my deepest despair. I never give up.
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I am in the process of helping my 18 year old son over the rough spots in life right now. He may be bi-polar but has only been diagnosed this week with major depression disorder and just put on lexapro.
I hope all is well with you.
Your son is so lucky to have you! If I can make it, he certainly will.
I can relate since my son is the high-functioning type as well, sensory issues, repetative behavior and delays in communication just to name a few. It is difficult trying to be a parent to a child that has some degree of autism and must be very difficult for you being both a parent and someone who has dealt with this all your life. From what I have read from the several books on autism, Asperger's is the mildest form of autism that an individual can have and I would be glad to suggest some websites and books that might help you, if you are interested.
You are a stronger person for enduring all the obstacles in your life and finding a way to be the best parent you can be for your kids and wife to your husband. Don't give up hope and always strive to be the best person you can be for yourself and your family.
Rock on!
My son was just diagnosed with Asperger's ... so I'd love it if you would share the websites too!
Thanks, and good luck!!
The doctor thinks he has aspects of Asperger's. I think he's going to set up his own disorder just to prove a point.
After reading some books by Oliver Sacks, a nurologist in New York, I came to discover a lot of what you said in myself. My husband who understands me better than anyone, figured it out as soon as I said something.
Tonight when we told my mother, she knew it too. Turns out, she'd been working with some challenged children, and she started reading about Aspergers. "Oh my God, this is LEAH!" she said. We've asked her to send us copies of all of the stuff she's read about so far.
I happen to be married to a wonderful woman who, I (non-professionally) diagnosed as Asberger's almost 3 years before we were married.
Yes, it's tough with the rest of the non-functioning world, but you people are the ones who can and will drag the rest of us into the 21st century.
Thank you so much for commenting on this. I'm glad I sent it to you
*To the rest of Gather, I am the wonder woman to whom Walker is married*
I like your term "low functioning society." That's why I don't want to continue with my "formal" education. I'm sick and tired of the classroom environment where I am expected to come down to everyone else's level, and looked upon as a freak if I don't.
Today in the cafe I was taking to our friend Lara about this, and she agrees.
thank you, thank you, thank you!! your insight that aspergers are in ways very high functioning, and therefore don't fit in with a low-functioning society, feels so true to me. I am so tired of trying to talk to people about the things that interest me when it completely fails to interest them. I'm not comfortable with feeling odd. Fortunately my husband does appreciate my gifts. I hope you're right that we are somehow on the vanguard of human evolution. Are you a published sci-fi author? I would love to meet you and your wife if that were possible.
Walker and I are both published authors. Walker has three sci-fi novels published, and they are all wonderful!!!
They can be found here!!
http://ca.geocities.com/vladilyich/
And I have a cookbook published. The recipes are all from Denmark, and the title translates to "Thanks for the food." It can be found here!
http://www.lulu.com/content/116633
We both know what you mean about not being able to relate. Again, Walker knew what was really going on with me long before I even knew about it. We both wished he'd mentioned it before, but it's nice to know about it now. Now all that is left is to get a formal diagnosis.
If you're ever in Arizona, we're here on and off (that is, when we're not in Canada LOL). I'm Canadian, he's American, and until all the papers come through we're stuck in both places.
like you said yourself in your first line, just be grateful that you got good help and support at a relatively young age. Imagine what it was like for someone much older than you who never got any help or support at all. You are so fortunate to have gotten on the right track by college and to be able to make it to medical school. You will be able to use your gifts and experience to help many, many people! My life has unfortunately been "wasted" in the sense that I wasn't able to get myself together early enough to accomplish anything in the wider world beyond merely surviving my own disabling problems and pain. What I have been able to accomplish is to develop in the long run and after much difficulty a viable marriage, with two beloved (if still somewhat troubled) kids. As far as a career or a wider social life goes, I have never had success of any sort, despite my gifted IQ and other talents. I just have to be content that things are changing and that people like you will be making an even bigger difference in the future. Count your blessings! You're here for the planet! You're a very special person and I know that you will accomplish things that were beyond people like me who came before you. Best regards,
I haven't heard of the book but will look it up. It's hard to answer your question. My first reaction was that each individual is different and that an understanding concerned parent has more feel for her own child than anyone else could. My mother and some teachers in elementary school tried to force me to be more social and sometimes I cooperated as far as I was able, sometimes I refused. The times when I found myself in a large group like a party could be difficult and confusing and lead to some feelings of shame, but it was good for me up to a point. I would suggest exposing him to groups of people of varying sizes, ages, types, interests, etc., preferably with your presence whenever possible, and always being ready to take his cues to get him out of the situation as soon as he starts to feel overwhelmed. See how he feels about these experiences and talk it over with him. Don't force him to do something he really hates, but find out why he feels that way. Music is good, art classes might be good, soccer or tennis or dancing or some other activity. See if there's anyone he wants to invite to spend the night, maybe another gamer so they have something they like to do together. There are games that two can play at once if you get two controllers, I'm not sure if WOW is one of them. If you observe him in groups you can see who he talks to or seems more comfortable with. If he's very oppositional about everything, rather than telling him what you want him to do, keep phrasing things as questions, or even try reverse psychology, somehow phrasing the suggestions in a "negative" way (like, I don't suppose you would want to.... or, I guess you wouldn't want to....) I don't know if any of these suggestions are useful. Let him develop at his own pace. Little baby steps, one at a time. Keep trying different things, don't give up! I think parenting for anyone is largely following your gut feelings, playing it by ear or flying by the seat of the pants, so to speak.
I've been thinking about it some more and I just want to add this, that the most important thing you can probably do for him is help him to understand that it is OK to be different, that he is a valuable person with something to give the world. He doesn't have to change if he doesn't want to. If he does want to change, he has the power to do so if he takes it one day at a time. If you believe in God, God made him the way he is for a reason and you and God love him just the way he is. I believe that people like us are hypersensitive because we are needed by the rest of humanity and by the planet as a whole. We are capable of perceiving things that others don't perceive, and of doing things that others can't do. It may be subtle and not obvious, but it's real nonetheless. If he can just accept himself and learn to love himself by seeing himself through the eyes of those who love him, he will have the inner strength he needs to deal with life his way. I hope that makes sense. Regards,
about to program that works with kids from all parts of the autistic spectrum to put on a performance for their families. Here's a link to the website:
http://www.hbo.com/docs/programs/autism/index.html